I am a fighter – and the feeling is AMAZING.

So today I am officially proud of myself. Today I took a massive step toward recovery, a few in fact. For one, I tackled a major fear food – pasta. Not only that, but I was faced with a choice between whole wheat and white. I chose the “white pasta” because I knew that it was one of my biggest fear foods, especially since it's not “healthy”. But I ate it and I discovered 3 things :
- pasta fills me up very quickly
- it gives me horrible cramps and stomach pains
- and I don't like it all that much
But I ate it, without anyone in any way prodding me. And guess what, it's a damn good feeling. I was so full afterward I felt like purging – I didn't. That feeling lasted all afternoon, I fought on. And yes, I still ate afterwards even though it wasn't a good feeling. I've been in bed almost all day with a water bottle pressed to my stomach, and I've been taking pain killers. But so what! Today I looked my fears in the eye and said “Fuck you!”, and they pretty much disappeared. I'm so happy I took that step and proved to myself I could do it.

So I guess that's all for today, still struggling to get through a cup of juice so I can get my needed calories. Can't wait for tomorrow and all the new challenges that await (not to mention that this nasty feeling in my stomach will disappear) – and I really mean that.

I think I'm stuck in a rut.

I haven't posted in a while, but I've been away. I spent the weekend over at my friends and then I've been sick since I got back :( The weather here has been horrible (verrry cold and rainy) and I don't deal with both those elements very well. I was feeling so weak yesterday, it was horrible. I was shivering and I couldn't get warm. And yes, I think that is a result of my low weight (I'm working on that for the record). I came home and ate some hot soup and felt a BIT better. I have no idea what was wrong with me. I did something pretty cool yesterday though. I ate a ham and cheese sandwich - two of my fear foods- without any guilt involved. I think I was too cold and weak to care really. Whatever the reason was I broke a big barrier and I'm happy :)
I think I'm in a bit of a food rut. I eat pretty much the same things day after day. Granted, they're not low calorie foods, but they're still foods I feel secure eating. They don't push me past my comfort zone and so I know I can eat them without guilt. But isn't that bad? There should not be "good" and "bad" foods. All food is the same, it's all good because it's something your body needs. There are healthier and less healthy foods, but that doesn't make them good or bad. Plus a lot of healthy foods I am scarred of such as: avocado, nuts, olive oil. All these foods have numerous health benefits, but I'm still scarred of eating them. And that is something I have to change.
I need to work on challenging this mindset and keep pushing myself to try new things. I can't simply stick to my safe foods, I need to keep pushing myself. But how?
If anyone has any ideas or suggestions, I'd appreciate the input.

Tomorrow I'm going to try overnight oats soaked in juice with full fat yogurt (sounds scary). We'll see how eating them goes. To be honest I'm not sure if I'l be able to because the yogurt has a weird consistency and it looks a bit unappetizing, but we'll see if I can get past the looks and enjoy it.

Just random thoughts.

I didn't post yesterday, but that's just because I was exhausted. I actually had a pretty good day. I may have had a slip up, but I didn't let the past dictate the present and I'm rather proud of myself.
Today was also a pretty good day. I ended up getting a little stressed, but nothing to worry about. And I ate pita bread for the 1st time in aaages. Yummy, but REALLY REALLY filling. And guess what, I have no idea what the calorie content of one pita is, and to be honest I don't care all that much. Which I think is great.
I'm trying to get into a certain school right now, and that's taking up all my time. It's nice though, to finally have something to focus my energy and effort into. I'm not sure if it's what I REALLY want though, because right now I'm still trying to stabilize mentally and health-wise. But nothing will be lost by trying, and at least I have something else to think about other then food.

But a wonderful new challenge awaits me. I'm going to visit some friends for a few days. They don't know about my problem, and I'm not sure how my eating is going to look like around them. I'm just scarred that they'll serve something that I'm REALLY not comfortable with yet and it'll create an awkward situation. I really want to try my best to be “normal” but I still have to fight and some day's it's not easy. Oh well, no use worrying about it now – I'll just have to deal with it when it comes. In a way I'm exited, it's a challenge for me to see how far I've come and how I'm doing. Besides that I'm looking forward to seeing my friend. She and I have known each other since childhood, and we still keep in touch.
Actually she is an AMAZING person – very smart, independent, strong willed (by the way these are all good traits in my book). But what I admire most about her is that she doesn't give a damn what other people think. She's what some people might call bigger – and guess what – she doesn't give a hoot. She is happy just the way she is. Yes she watches her weight and does exercise occasionally, but it's not the most important thing in her life. She studies, spends time with friends, goes out for coffee, enjoys her chocolate every now and then. And why shouldn't she? That's what life is about, enjoying and savoring it, instead of obsessing over every eaten calorie and fat gram. Someday I want to be just like her.

As far as this weeks challenge, I think it will change in terms of “fear foods” because I'm almost 100% sure I will have to face some there so I will adapt accordingly. But here's what I did for my recovery today.
- ate an small apple on top of what I planned for snack
- drank 2 cups of juice (slowly upping my calorie intake)

I had the most amazing walk/jog. I'm not really supposed to exercise at this point, so I only jogged for like 10 minutes. But for the first time in as long as I can remember it wasn't to lose weight or burn calories. It was for the pure enjoyment of feeling the energy coursing through my body, to feel the adrenalin pumping and clearing my mind. I LOVE jogging. I am determined now more then ever to gain enough weight so I can do it on a regular basis because I miss it.

Another nice thing happened today. My dad came up to me and told me he was proud of me for fighting. This came as a bit of a surprise because a lot of the time I feel he doesn't notice or care about what I do in terms of recovery. He is the one I feel misjudges me most and I most of the time I feel like I can never do enough to please him. But just to hear him say that he's proud of me and to know he notices how hard I'm fighting makes me want to fight even harder. It makes me want to push even more, because I want to deserve that pride. I want to be able to look him in the eye with a clear conscience, knowing that I didn't disappoint him and I deserve every bit of that pride.

Alright, I'm off to watch some “So you think you can dance”. It's the funnest show ever!

It's a journey of tears.

They say anything worth something, costs something. And recovery hurts. Not always - sometimes recovery is an exiting process, a forward journey, a wonderful new door that allows me to explore possibilities that I never thought were within my grasp. Other times recovery is pain, it's discomfort - both physical and mental. You feel like the one thing that kept your life stable and gave it meaning is stripped away from you. Today is one of those days.
I had a horrible anxiety attack, the worst I've had this month. I cried, my heart was beating a million times a second, and I had dinner to eat. As I made myself food I felt physically sick, then my mom decided it was a good time to ask me about my weight. I ran into my room, locked the door and tried to calm myself down. I managed to do that to some extent through music, breathing exercises and stretches. After that I ventured out and tried to eat. And, I failed. I ended up purging because the anxiety came flooding back. Normally I wouldn't have even bothered trying to eat, but my mom expected it of me, and there was no way i could explain to her what was going on with me.

So now I feel disappointed and discouraged. But I refuse to quit. Even though today is one of the days I don't see a future in front of me and I want to slip back to what I know - the comfort and relative security of my ED, I REFUSE to believe that this is what I really want. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow all this will be erased and I have a clean slate. Tomorrow I will be strong. Tomorrow is the promise of something better, something wonderful, something beautiful. I AM NOT GIVING UP! This journey may be a journey of tears, but it will make me strong. Through this experience I will be able to become a better person. I will understand others that have similar problems and I will be able to help them in ways that no one else can; because you have to walk though this hell to know what it's like. You have to look your worst fears in the eye and tell them they do not exist. You have to do things that are unpleasant, painful and pure torture. You have to fight. There is no easy way out of this, but there is a way out. And come hell or high water I will find that way. I will be strong.





Quote for the day:
Strong people make as many mistakes as weak people. The difference is that strong people admit them, laugh about them, and learn from them. That is how they become strong.

Doctors appointment and new goal.

Alright, so I saw my doctor and psychologist today - didn't go as bad as I expected. When I first talked to my psychologist we didn't hit it off AT ALL. At the end of the session she asked me if I felt like I needed help and wanted to keep seeing her. I almost said no. The only thing that kept me from actually doing that was knowing that I was seeing her through a referral, most people wait 3-6 months just to get on her list. So I figured, why not give her another shot. I'm happy I did. Today we had a good conversation. Not that anything specifically helpful was said, it's more like the tone of the entire conversation. I HATE psychologists who think they "know it all" or they know you just because you said something this or that way. She didn't give me that vibe. Actually I felt that she was taking it slow, not making any assumptions and just getting to know me. So that was nice.
And I saw my doctor. I only got to talk to her for a few minutes, but she expressed genuine concern for me as a person, and that means a lot. Actually she's a friend of a friend, so there is a more personal touch then the average doctor would have. She is genuinely concerned about my well being and that helps me trust her. I have issues with trusting doctors, but i feel amazingly comfortable with her.
And, for the first time in two weeks, I got weighed today. Sure enough I'm maintaining. It's frustrating and at the same time I'm kind of happy. I know all the people around me are very unhappy with the fact that I'm progressing so little and I know I shouldn't be happy about not gaining. But the thing is that through this experience I am learning about my body. For one, i just learned that eating till I'm full will not make me fat, actually it will not even make me gain weight. And right now I'm not even exercising, so imagine if I was. Of course, now I have to up my calorie intake, which is scary for me. Which brings me to my challenge for the week:

Add higher calorie foods to your diet and eat 2 "fear foods".

Honestly, there's quite a list of fear foods, but the ones I picked to tackle are pancakes and yellow cheese (the yellow cheese one still might change). I'm freaking out just thinking about eating them, I really hope I'm strong enough.

Anyhow, I'm so tired my eyes are closing, so I'm going to try to head on to la-la land and not think about the next days and what they will bring. But first let me list the things I did for my recovery today
- I ate all my snacks and meals for the day (usually I need someone around so I feel like I HAVE to eat)
- I ate more then what I planned for one of those meals
- I chose the higher calorie caffeine option ( coffee with milk and sugar as opposed to diet coke)

My motivation for today:

Do the things you fear and the death of fear is certain.



Ps: k.- thanks so much for following and commenting on my blog. You have no idea how much it means to know that there is someone out there interested in what I'm going through. And I am no stronger then the average person, really I'm not. I'm just willing to try again and keep trying till I succeed. I hope that you will also be able to find the satisfaction and peace with yourself that you're looking for. Take care!

The week's conclusion.

So my week has come to an end. All in all I have to say that I feel I did well. I didn't do perfect, I still see lots and lots of room for improvement, but in general I feel I stuck to my goals. I eat till I'm full, sometimes I feel too full, but I guess that's to be expected. I give my body what it needs and I feel confident that I'm on the right track. Now it's time to decide what my next goal should be. I'm not giving up on this goal, I need to keep going with it, but it's time to keep moving forward. I still am not 100% decided on what I should tackle next. I am seeing a psychologist (who I'm not sure if I like) tomorrow, so maybe she can help me by giving me some ideas, or maybe while talking to her I'll get some ideas of my own. I'm also going to get weighed, so I'll know more or less where I stand on that front. Personally, that's not SO important to me at this point, I don't think about it so much. It's funny, because in some ways I feel better not knowing. I know that if my weight ballooned up (which for some reason I doubt it did) and I were to see that I MIGHT freak out and start cutting down my portions again, which is something I really don't want to happen. I don't want that fear, that anxiety, those voices. Right now what bothers me the most is when I get sick from eating (my stomach has lots and lots of issues) and I have to lie there. Then my ED thoughts always seem to come in “You glutton! You take more then you're share of food.” or “What you're doing can't be healthy for your body.”or “You're binging and you'll keep gaining and gaining.” or “Food stops you from doing anything and makes you a lazy slob.” They sound stupid when I put them on paper like this, but in my head they are very very real. Because even though eating means discomfort and not a little nausea now, in the long run I will be healthier for it. I will be able to eat normal sized portions without getting sick, my body will be able to be comfortably full instead of going from hungry to overstuffed. I won't have to think about these things so much, and food won't be such a big part of my life. And that means a lot to me. Because really, I don't want to reach the end of my life having passed up a lot of experiences and opportunities because of food. What kind of pathetic person that would make me?
I used to believe I could live with my ED in some sort of symbiotic relationship that would make me thin and happy with myself and still able to enjoy life. That is a big delusion. The more obsessed with food I become the less and enjoy life. I have no energy, no life, no vitality. All I have is a messed up voice in my head that makes me feel guilty for eating a rice cracker AND an apple when I should have just eaten the apple. I have a voice that makes me panic when I see certain foods, that gives me anxiety attacks at not knowing what's in my food. I can't party, I can't relax, I can't concentrate on the beauty of life around me because I'm too busy counting calories. THAT is not who I want to be. And that is not what I will be. I can choose life or my ED – I choose life. And even though this sounds terrifying right now I choose being healthy over being thin. I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt I am making the right choice.

Frustrations

You know what irritates me most about doctors and medical establishments? It's that they judge "recovery" solely by weight gain. Granted, weight gain is and important part of recovery for some, and I won't delude myself by saying I don't belong in that category. But there are some things that I have been accomplishing that they cannot judge on a scale. It won't be calculated with my BMI. There are things - habits, mindsets, self-image that I am now challenging that I haven't thought about changing in years. And I really feel like I've been making progress. I'm learning how to be nice to my body and try to listen to what it needs. I'm learning what my triggers and and how to deal with stress more productively. I'm digging deep into what defines my self worth and I'm realizing that body image and the way I look isn't a reflection on who I am. There are deeper qualities that I posses that define me; that make me unique and special and lovable. Yes, after so long I am ready to let go of the past and accept that I AM lovable, I deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. But all these things won't make a difference when I step on that scale tomorrow. The doctor won't care that I've made this ground-breaking mentality changes. No, all that matters are that scale and those numbers. It's really discouraging actually.

Today I had a stomach flu, but I ate a little anyways. And that was what I did for recovery today.

And I REALLY am dreading seeing that doctor tomorrow.