So today I am officially proud of myself. Today I took a massive step toward recovery, a few in fact. For one, I tackled a major fear food – pasta. Not only that, but I was faced with a choice between whole wheat and white. I chose the “white pasta” because I knew that it was one of my biggest fear foods, especially since it's not “healthy”. But I ate it and I discovered 3 things :
- pasta fills me up very quickly
- it gives me horrible cramps and stomach pains
- and I don't like it all that much
But I ate it, without anyone in any way prodding me. And guess what, it's a damn good feeling. I was so full afterward I felt like purging – I didn't. That feeling lasted all afternoon, I fought on. And yes, I still ate afterwards even though it wasn't a good feeling. I've been in bed almost all day with a water bottle pressed to my stomach, and I've been taking pain killers. But so what! Today I looked my fears in the eye and said “Fuck you!”, and they pretty much disappeared. I'm so happy I took that step and proved to myself I could do it.
So I guess that's all for today, still struggling to get through a cup of juice so I can get my needed calories. Can't wait for tomorrow and all the new challenges that await (not to mention that this nasty feeling in my stomach will disappear) – and I really mean that.