Thursday, August 26, 2010

Just random thoughts.

I didn't post yesterday, but that's just because I was exhausted. I actually had a pretty good day. I may have had a slip up, but I didn't let the past dictate the present and I'm rather proud of myself.
Today was also a pretty good day. I ended up getting a little stressed, but nothing to worry about. And I ate pita bread for the 1st time in aaages. Yummy, but REALLY REALLY filling. And guess what, I have no idea what the calorie content of one pita is, and to be honest I don't care all that much. Which I think is great.
I'm trying to get into a certain school right now, and that's taking up all my time. It's nice though, to finally have something to focus my energy and effort into. I'm not sure if it's what I REALLY want though, because right now I'm still trying to stabilize mentally and health-wise. But nothing will be lost by trying, and at least I have something else to think about other then food.

But a wonderful new challenge awaits me. I'm going to visit some friends for a few days. They don't know about my problem, and I'm not sure how my eating is going to look like around them. I'm just scarred that they'll serve something that I'm REALLY not comfortable with yet and it'll create an awkward situation. I really want to try my best to be “normal” but I still have to fight and some day's it's not easy. Oh well, no use worrying about it now – I'll just have to deal with it when it comes. In a way I'm exited, it's a challenge for me to see how far I've come and how I'm doing. Besides that I'm looking forward to seeing my friend. She and I have known each other since childhood, and we still keep in touch.
Actually she is an AMAZING person – very smart, independent, strong willed (by the way these are all good traits in my book). But what I admire most about her is that she doesn't give a damn what other people think. She's what some people might call bigger – and guess what – she doesn't give a hoot. She is happy just the way she is. Yes she watches her weight and does exercise occasionally, but it's not the most important thing in her life. She studies, spends time with friends, goes out for coffee, enjoys her chocolate every now and then. And why shouldn't she? That's what life is about, enjoying and savoring it, instead of obsessing over every eaten calorie and fat gram. Someday I want to be just like her.

As far as this weeks challenge, I think it will change in terms of “fear foods” because I'm almost 100% sure I will have to face some there so I will adapt accordingly. But here's what I did for my recovery today.
- ate an small apple on top of what I planned for snack
- drank 2 cups of juice (slowly upping my calorie intake)

I had the most amazing walk/jog. I'm not really supposed to exercise at this point, so I only jogged for like 10 minutes. But for the first time in as long as I can remember it wasn't to lose weight or burn calories. It was for the pure enjoyment of feeling the energy coursing through my body, to feel the adrenalin pumping and clearing my mind. I LOVE jogging. I am determined now more then ever to gain enough weight so I can do it on a regular basis because I miss it.

Another nice thing happened today. My dad came up to me and told me he was proud of me for fighting. This came as a bit of a surprise because a lot of the time I feel he doesn't notice or care about what I do in terms of recovery. He is the one I feel misjudges me most and I most of the time I feel like I can never do enough to please him. But just to hear him say that he's proud of me and to know he notices how hard I'm fighting makes me want to fight even harder. It makes me want to push even more, because I want to deserve that pride. I want to be able to look him in the eye with a clear conscience, knowing that I didn't disappoint him and I deserve every bit of that pride.

Alright, I'm off to watch some “So you think you can dance”. It's the funnest show ever!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

It's a journey of tears.

They say anything worth something, costs something. And recovery hurts. Not always - sometimes recovery is an exiting process, a forward journey, a wonderful new door that allows me to explore possibilities that I never thought were within my grasp. Other times recovery is pain, it's discomfort - both physical and mental. You feel like the one thing that kept your life stable and gave it meaning is stripped away from you. Today is one of those days.
I had a horrible anxiety attack, the worst I've had this month. I cried, my heart was beating a million times a second, and I had dinner to eat. As I made myself food I felt physically sick, then my mom decided it was a good time to ask me about my weight. I ran into my room, locked the door and tried to calm myself down. I managed to do that to some extent through music, breathing exercises and stretches. After that I ventured out and tried to eat. And, I failed. I ended up purging because the anxiety came flooding back. Normally I wouldn't have even bothered trying to eat, but my mom expected it of me, and there was no way i could explain to her what was going on with me.

So now I feel disappointed and discouraged. But I refuse to quit. Even though today is one of the days I don't see a future in front of me and I want to slip back to what I know - the comfort and relative security of my ED, I REFUSE to believe that this is what I really want. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow all this will be erased and I have a clean slate. Tomorrow I will be strong. Tomorrow is the promise of something better, something wonderful, something beautiful. I AM NOT GIVING UP! This journey may be a journey of tears, but it will make me strong. Through this experience I will be able to become a better person. I will understand others that have similar problems and I will be able to help them in ways that no one else can; because you have to walk though this hell to know what it's like. You have to look your worst fears in the eye and tell them they do not exist. You have to do things that are unpleasant, painful and pure torture. You have to fight. There is no easy way out of this, but there is a way out. And come hell or high water I will find that way. I will be strong.

Quote for the day:
Strong people make as many mistakes as weak people. The difference is that strong people admit them, laugh about them, and learn from them. That is how they become strong.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Doctors appointment and new goal.

Alright, so I saw my doctor and psychologist today - didn't go as bad as I expected. When I first talked to my psychologist we didn't hit it off AT ALL. At the end of the session she asked me if I felt like I needed help and wanted to keep seeing her. I almost said no. The only thing that kept me from actually doing that was knowing that I was seeing her through a referral, most people wait 3-6 months just to get on her list. So I figured, why not give her another shot. I'm happy I did. Today we had a good conversation. Not that anything specifically helpful was said, it's more like the tone of the entire conversation. I HATE psychologists who think they "know it all" or they know you just because you said something this or that way. She didn't give me that vibe. Actually I felt that she was taking it slow, not making any assumptions and just getting to know me. So that was nice.
And I saw my doctor. I only got to talk to her for a few minutes, but she expressed genuine concern for me as a person, and that means a lot. Actually she's a friend of a friend, so there is a more personal touch then the average doctor would have. She is genuinely concerned about my well being and that helps me trust her. I have issues with trusting doctors, but i feel amazingly comfortable with her.
And, for the first time in two weeks, I got weighed today. Sure enough I'm maintaining. It's frustrating and at the same time I'm kind of happy. I know all the people around me are very unhappy with the fact that I'm progressing so little and I know I shouldn't be happy about not gaining. But the thing is that through this experience I am learning about my body. For one, i just learned that eating till I'm full will not make me fat, actually it will not even make me gain weight. And right now I'm not even exercising, so imagine if I was. Of course, now I have to up my calorie intake, which is scary for me. Which brings me to my challenge for the week:

Add higher calorie foods to your diet and eat 2 "fear foods".

Honestly, there's quite a list of fear foods, but the ones I picked to tackle are pancakes and yellow cheese (the yellow cheese one still might change). I'm freaking out just thinking about eating them, I really hope I'm strong enough.

Anyhow, I'm so tired my eyes are closing, so I'm going to try to head on to la-la land and not think about the next days and what they will bring. But first let me list the things I did for my recovery today
- I ate all my snacks and meals for the day (usually I need someone around so I feel like I HAVE to eat)
- I ate more then what I planned for one of those meals
- I chose the higher calorie caffeine option ( coffee with milk and sugar as opposed to diet coke)

My motivation for today:

Do the things you fear and the death of fear is certain.

Ps: k.- thanks so much for following and commenting on my blog. You have no idea how much it means to know that there is someone out there interested in what I'm going through. And I am no stronger then the average person, really I'm not. I'm just willing to try again and keep trying till I succeed. I hope that you will also be able to find the satisfaction and peace with yourself that you're looking for. Take care!

Sunday, August 22, 2010

The week's conclusion.

So my week has come to an end. All in all I have to say that I feel I did well. I didn't do perfect, I still see lots and lots of room for improvement, but in general I feel I stuck to my goals. I eat till I'm full, sometimes I feel too full, but I guess that's to be expected. I give my body what it needs and I feel confident that I'm on the right track. Now it's time to decide what my next goal should be. I'm not giving up on this goal, I need to keep going with it, but it's time to keep moving forward. I still am not 100% decided on what I should tackle next. I am seeing a psychologist (who I'm not sure if I like) tomorrow, so maybe she can help me by giving me some ideas, or maybe while talking to her I'll get some ideas of my own. I'm also going to get weighed, so I'll know more or less where I stand on that front. Personally, that's not SO important to me at this point, I don't think about it so much. It's funny, because in some ways I feel better not knowing. I know that if my weight ballooned up (which for some reason I doubt it did) and I were to see that I MIGHT freak out and start cutting down my portions again, which is something I really don't want to happen. I don't want that fear, that anxiety, those voices. Right now what bothers me the most is when I get sick from eating (my stomach has lots and lots of issues) and I have to lie there. Then my ED thoughts always seem to come in “You glutton! You take more then you're share of food.” or “What you're doing can't be healthy for your body.”or “You're binging and you'll keep gaining and gaining.” or “Food stops you from doing anything and makes you a lazy slob.” They sound stupid when I put them on paper like this, but in my head they are very very real. Because even though eating means discomfort and not a little nausea now, in the long run I will be healthier for it. I will be able to eat normal sized portions without getting sick, my body will be able to be comfortably full instead of going from hungry to overstuffed. I won't have to think about these things so much, and food won't be such a big part of my life. And that means a lot to me. Because really, I don't want to reach the end of my life having passed up a lot of experiences and opportunities because of food. What kind of pathetic person that would make me?
I used to believe I could live with my ED in some sort of symbiotic relationship that would make me thin and happy with myself and still able to enjoy life. That is a big delusion. The more obsessed with food I become the less and enjoy life. I have no energy, no life, no vitality. All I have is a messed up voice in my head that makes me feel guilty for eating a rice cracker AND an apple when I should have just eaten the apple. I have a voice that makes me panic when I see certain foods, that gives me anxiety attacks at not knowing what's in my food. I can't party, I can't relax, I can't concentrate on the beauty of life around me because I'm too busy counting calories. THAT is not who I want to be. And that is not what I will be. I can choose life or my ED – I choose life. And even though this sounds terrifying right now I choose being healthy over being thin. I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt I am making the right choice.

Thursday, August 19, 2010


You know what irritates me most about doctors and medical establishments? It's that they judge "recovery" solely by weight gain. Granted, weight gain is and important part of recovery for some, and I won't delude myself by saying I don't belong in that category. But there are some things that I have been accomplishing that they cannot judge on a scale. It won't be calculated with my BMI. There are things - habits, mindsets, self-image that I am now challenging that I haven't thought about changing in years. And I really feel like I've been making progress. I'm learning how to be nice to my body and try to listen to what it needs. I'm learning what my triggers and and how to deal with stress more productively. I'm digging deep into what defines my self worth and I'm realizing that body image and the way I look isn't a reflection on who I am. There are deeper qualities that I posses that define me; that make me unique and special and lovable. Yes, after so long I am ready to let go of the past and accept that I AM lovable, I deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. But all these things won't make a difference when I step on that scale tomorrow. The doctor won't care that I've made this ground-breaking mentality changes. No, all that matters are that scale and those numbers. It's really discouraging actually.

Today I had a stomach flu, but I ate a little anyways. And that was what I did for recovery today.

And I REALLY am dreading seeing that doctor tomorrow.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Not giving up!

I'm going to be honest with myself and say that today was a rough day. I felt (still feel to some extent) like a glutenous pig. I ate a bigger lunch then normal, very fast because I got too hungry and I consequently felt sick all afternoon. I still ate, because I was supposed to, but I just felt so horrible and like I had just binged. I hate that feeling when I eat when I'm sick, simply because I have to eat 6 times a day. Maybe I should consider skipping some meals or snacks if I'm so miserable. Anyhow I fought the urge to purge since lunch, but it all came up anyways some time this afternoon. So I feel defeated and like all my efforts were in vain. Why did I bother enduring the mental and physical torture if in the end it was all for nothing? I want to keep fighting, I want to keep up with my commitments, but I'm really scarred. Apparently I don't know how to listen to my body, I don't know moderation, I'm a failure.

No, I can't think like that, I won't let myself think like that. I will sleep this off, and tomorrow will be a better day. I will not give up. Eventually my body is bound to normalize and I will learn to treat my body well and give it what it needs. Tomorrow is the promise of a new and better day. I need to believe that. Just because I have one bad day doesn't mean what I'm doing is wrong. What I'm doing is right. I am on a road to happiness, joy, and a full life. Any discomfort is temporary and will fade with time. In the meantime I will keep on fighting for this because it is possible and achievable. Giving up is not an option for me. Failure is not an option.

I deserve health, I deserve happiness. I deserve to live!

So today for my recovery I:
- didn't voluntarily purge
- ate what i was supposed to
-didn't give up!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Eating "normally"

I've been busy, so didn't have much time to update. But so far I've been keeping up with my daily and weekly challenges. The "listening to my body" part is very hard though, because I will eat more at one snack because I'm hungry, but then end up trying to skimp on the other ones, because I "ate so much". Also my body weirds out because it's a change in routine, and my body sure doesn't like changes. Also I'm almost scarred of trusting my body to know when I should stop eating. The first time I tried to recover from my ED I ended up doing a lot of binging and gained weight very fast. So that scarred me. Now I want to have "normal" eating habits, but there's always that nagging thought -"Once you're normal, will you keep gaining." I've had my habits in place for so long that breaking makes me feel so scarred. I just need to learn to trust my body and realize if I treat it right it won't weird out on me. It's difficult though.
On a positive note I've made myself some goals (not ED related) that I intend to stick to. I need things to occupy me and keep me busy, otherwise I go crazy. I need to have something to pour all that energy into, so I don't feel like it's wasted. Right now I'm feeling exited and can't wait to get started, and that's always a good thing.

Alright well without further ado, here are my recovery challenges from yesterday and today (a.k.a things I did for my recovery):

- I made a more filling breakfast.
- I bought the higher calorie yogurt when faced with a choice
- I let someone else cook my meal for me
- I ate my 2nd snack even though I didn't have to.

- I ate a bigger snack because I was hungry
- I fought my anxiety and the resultant desire to purge by going for a walk and enjoying the sunshine and my second snack :)
- I had a few "unplanned" bites of yogurt (I never randomly snitch food if I feel like it)

Right now I'm actually having a mild anxiety attack because I'm going to have a potentially very tense, emotionally heated discussion, I hope this feeling passes. I'm just going to try to relax and not think about it.

My quote for the day: To conquer fear, you have to feel the fear and take action anyway.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

A quick update.

Today was a good day for me. Minimal stomach pain, was busy most of the day (crucial to me having a good day) had a good heart-to-heart discussion with my mom. She's really been supportive of me recently, and I'm happy for that. I think during recovery it's necessary to have someone like that - someone who doesn't judge, someone who doesn't expect you to be perfect right away, someone who notices the little steps you take. Most of all you need someone to stand between you and the world when you have no strength to face them alone. I hope some day I'll be able to show her how much she's helped me, simply by being the way she is. I know she suffers for it, she has to be the go-between me and the rest of the family. She's been told that she doesn't care enough, she's "too supportive", she's not helping me like she should. But she is, because I'm motivated to recover because I want to make her proud. I want to show others that understanding and support are more important then strict diet regiments and minimum weight goals. And I don't want to let her down, I can't let her down.

So here's for todays recovery efforts:

- added food at snack
- had a iced coffee with milk and sugar and didn't LET myself feel guilty about it

The added food at snack was me trying to "listen to my body". Didn't feel as hungry at lunch though, so I need to see how to balance both those things.

But today was a good day :).

Friday, August 13, 2010

My commitments.

I haven't been posting recently. Mainly because life is keeping me busy and I don't have a lot of time to put my thoughts on paper. Other times my thoughts are so dismal I don't want to put them on paper. But something good has been accomplished during the time I've been away. I've found a great site "" which is pretty much a pro-recovery support site. I highly recommend it to anyone who is looking for support, understanding and a positive environment. Anyhow, I joined this site and I immediately found myself surrounded by people who WANTED to recover. These people weren't recovering because it was expected of them, or because they had to - these people genuinely realize that anorexia makes your life shit (excuse my language) and even though they realize that recovery is difficult and an uphill climb they are willing to make it because IT IS WORTH IT. And they're PERSONALLY COMMITTED to making these changes. And it made me realize, if I really want this I have to go for it. I can't rely on my family, my doctors, my therapists - I need to fight for this on my own. So I'm making a commitment to do something for my recovery every day. Even if it's something small, I will do something every day. And on top of that I will have week long goals that challenge my habits and thought patterns. Because I realized why my hospitalization failed. Partially it was my fault, the choices I made and the way I chose to cope with the things that came up in my life. But another reason was that I was FORCED to do everything, I didn't choose anything. And once I left the hospital i kept a lot of my old eating patterns and mindsets exactly the same. So I'm determined to make this time different. I'm going to focus on the mental aspects of my recovery as opposed to my weight gain. And I'm going to get better, for real this time.

Ok so today for my recoveries sake I:
ate 1/4 of an apple past my snack time
ate jelly for the first time in forever (and i don't know how many calories were in it :P)
ate a big snack, even though I felt sick afterwards

My week-long goal : LISTEN to my body and eat till I'm full without fear.

We'll see how this goes. So far I'm feeling positive and optimistic. I'm going to beat this bitch :P.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Admitting I need help.

This is potentially the most difficult thing for me to do - admit that I need help. I try so often to pretend I'm strong, to pretend that everything is under control and I'm doing fine, when the opposite is true. I need to learn that it's okay for me not to be okay all that time. It's difficult for me to be dependent on others, to admit that I don't have everything together. But it's something I need to learn, otherwise I won't be able to fully recover. I'll spend the time pretending, and essentially, lying to myself and everyone around me. But even though I realize this it's hard for me to reach out and ask for help. A part of me craves more help and support, but then the other part is terrified. A voice in my head tells me that no one will understand me and that they'll push me beyond my limits, they will hurt me and make my life worse then it already is. This is a lie, because I know the people around me love me, but sometimes I DO feel like they don't understand me. What I need is someone I can trust, I need someone that I know can and wants to help me. But it's hard for me to open up, it's almost impossible for me to trust. Still, I know I need to take the first step, I need to ask for help. I need to take that step into the dark and trust that someone will extend a hand and pull me though.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010


They say that the only thing to fear is fear itself. But right now I am totally overwhelmed by my different fears. I believe that fear is the main thing that stands in the way of me and full recovery. I have so many fears - many of them unexplainable, irrational and stupid, but they are fears none the less. And, even though I am ashamed to admit it, they control me. My fear is what won't let me take seconds of oatmeal, even if I'm still hungry. It's that fear that says I have no limits, that once I start eating i will just eat and eat and not know when to stop. Part of where I developed that fear is in the hospital. I was told by many doctors (and saw with my own eyes) many patients go from anorexia to bulimia - and I would hate for that to be me. There was a time in my life that I overate (my bodies reaction to starving) and gained weight very rapidly. So I'm terrified of that happening again. Then I fear the guilt that comes with eating, that horrible feeling that you need to get the food out of your system or die. I'm scarred of the depression, scarred of that helpless, out-of-control feeling. But what I'm scared of most is recovering in body but not in mind. I'm scared of hating myself and how I look and not being able to change it. I'm scared of relapsing AGAIN.

There are so many fears. But I slowly need to face them, talk myself out of them, tell myself they're irrational and stupid. The problem is right now I need someone else to do that for me, and there's no one like that around me. Every battle I fight I fight alone, and I just wish there was someone I could talk to - someone who understands.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Back on the uphill climb.

So much time has elapsed since writing my last post. So much time and so much has happened. The truth is i felt like a hypocrite writing this blog, because it was supposed to encourage my recovery. Instead I slowly started off on a downward spiral that led me right back to the beginning. At first it all seemed so innocent. I only wanted to lose a kilo, then another, then another. Before i knew it, it was out of control. I was losing rapidly, and even though i wanted to stop, i couldn't. I wanted to reach out to those around me for help, but i somehow couldn't find the strength. To be honest I was scared. I was scared of what a second recovery would mean for me, how it would affect my life. One night I sat down, weighed out the pro's and con's and told my parents the truth. Then came the hard part. I fought food, I manipulated the scales, I told myself that I could keep playing this game, and if I just gained a little more weight i would be fine. But that was a lie, just like the many others I would tell myself in hopes that I could have a normal life without giving up the habits and routines that I had become so accustomed to. Finally I came clean. I decided I really want to fight. The doctors recommended hospitalization. At 37 kg it's easy to see why. They couldn't believe I would be strong enough to fight on my own. But I want to, I want to prove them wrong. Some days I forget why I'm fighting, I want to hide from the world and curl up and accept my fate. Yes, I realize that my fate is death if i give into this illness. But some days even that seems better then the effort I need to put into fighting. Then I look around me and I see my family and friends and I tell myself "Today I will fight. I will eat today, just today, and then I'll leave tomorrow to itself". So far the road is rough. In a month I've gained around 0.5 kg. I gained that recently and I experience horrible depression. Still I struggle on. Still I reach for the light.