Thursday, August 19, 2010


You know what irritates me most about doctors and medical establishments? It's that they judge "recovery" solely by weight gain. Granted, weight gain is and important part of recovery for some, and I won't delude myself by saying I don't belong in that category. But there are some things that I have been accomplishing that they cannot judge on a scale. It won't be calculated with my BMI. There are things - habits, mindsets, self-image that I am now challenging that I haven't thought about changing in years. And I really feel like I've been making progress. I'm learning how to be nice to my body and try to listen to what it needs. I'm learning what my triggers and and how to deal with stress more productively. I'm digging deep into what defines my self worth and I'm realizing that body image and the way I look isn't a reflection on who I am. There are deeper qualities that I posses that define me; that make me unique and special and lovable. Yes, after so long I am ready to let go of the past and accept that I AM lovable, I deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. But all these things won't make a difference when I step on that scale tomorrow. The doctor won't care that I've made this ground-breaking mentality changes. No, all that matters are that scale and those numbers. It's really discouraging actually.

Today I had a stomach flu, but I ate a little anyways. And that was what I did for recovery today.

And I REALLY am dreading seeing that doctor tomorrow.


  1. Good luck with the doctor tomorrow.
    & If you don't mind me asking: how tall and how much did you weigh when you was hospitalized?
    Sorry, but my curiousness has beaten it out of me. :')

    Your so strong. I admire you greatly.

    Good luck on anything that gets thrown your way.

  2. Hey there.
    I was hospitalized when I weighed 37 kg and I'm 162 cm tall. But I wasn't put into a regular ward, I was put in a psych ward, so technically I was supposed to be treated more for my ED then any physical problems I had. Actually at the time I was pretty healthy, meaning I didn't have any health issues yet; it was more of a preventative step.

    Good luck to you too :).