Thursday, August 26, 2010

Just random thoughts.

I didn't post yesterday, but that's just because I was exhausted. I actually had a pretty good day. I may have had a slip up, but I didn't let the past dictate the present and I'm rather proud of myself.
Today was also a pretty good day. I ended up getting a little stressed, but nothing to worry about. And I ate pita bread for the 1st time in aaages. Yummy, but REALLY REALLY filling. And guess what, I have no idea what the calorie content of one pita is, and to be honest I don't care all that much. Which I think is great.
I'm trying to get into a certain school right now, and that's taking up all my time. It's nice though, to finally have something to focus my energy and effort into. I'm not sure if it's what I REALLY want though, because right now I'm still trying to stabilize mentally and health-wise. But nothing will be lost by trying, and at least I have something else to think about other then food.

But a wonderful new challenge awaits me. I'm going to visit some friends for a few days. They don't know about my problem, and I'm not sure how my eating is going to look like around them. I'm just scarred that they'll serve something that I'm REALLY not comfortable with yet and it'll create an awkward situation. I really want to try my best to be “normal” but I still have to fight and some day's it's not easy. Oh well, no use worrying about it now – I'll just have to deal with it when it comes. In a way I'm exited, it's a challenge for me to see how far I've come and how I'm doing. Besides that I'm looking forward to seeing my friend. She and I have known each other since childhood, and we still keep in touch.
Actually she is an AMAZING person – very smart, independent, strong willed (by the way these are all good traits in my book). But what I admire most about her is that she doesn't give a damn what other people think. She's what some people might call bigger – and guess what – she doesn't give a hoot. She is happy just the way she is. Yes she watches her weight and does exercise occasionally, but it's not the most important thing in her life. She studies, spends time with friends, goes out for coffee, enjoys her chocolate every now and then. And why shouldn't she? That's what life is about, enjoying and savoring it, instead of obsessing over every eaten calorie and fat gram. Someday I want to be just like her.

As far as this weeks challenge, I think it will change in terms of “fear foods” because I'm almost 100% sure I will have to face some there so I will adapt accordingly. But here's what I did for my recovery today.
- ate an small apple on top of what I planned for snack
- drank 2 cups of juice (slowly upping my calorie intake)

I had the most amazing walk/jog. I'm not really supposed to exercise at this point, so I only jogged for like 10 minutes. But for the first time in as long as I can remember it wasn't to lose weight or burn calories. It was for the pure enjoyment of feeling the energy coursing through my body, to feel the adrenalin pumping and clearing my mind. I LOVE jogging. I am determined now more then ever to gain enough weight so I can do it on a regular basis because I miss it.

Another nice thing happened today. My dad came up to me and told me he was proud of me for fighting. This came as a bit of a surprise because a lot of the time I feel he doesn't notice or care about what I do in terms of recovery. He is the one I feel misjudges me most and I most of the time I feel like I can never do enough to please him. But just to hear him say that he's proud of me and to know he notices how hard I'm fighting makes me want to fight even harder. It makes me want to push even more, because I want to deserve that pride. I want to be able to look him in the eye with a clear conscience, knowing that I didn't disappoint him and I deserve every bit of that pride.

Alright, I'm off to watch some “So you think you can dance”. It's the funnest show ever!


  1. Well done with having the pita bread, hun! I love how liberating it is to eat something different and not have any idea as to how many calories it contains. It really doesn't matter! Pita bread is so good toasted just FYI ;)

    I know that feeling of the "unknown" when it comes to staying away from home and not knowing what will be put infront of you, but ya know what? It's so much easier when you don't overthink it. Food is just food. That's all it is. Don't let something as simple as food have any power over you. You'll find, like I did, that once I had the food that I was uncomfortable with infront of me, it didn't look so scary after all. And after that first bite. OH. EM. GEE. I was hooked! I'm sure you'll do fine, ma dear. I'm sure you'll have so much fun :)

    Be careful about exercising at this point because you don't want it to become impulsive. Just a nice walk is enough for you, I think. So proud of you for upping your calories too!! You should be soo proud :D


  2. I'm so proud of you my darling.
    Well done on the pitta bread to start with, but seriously just well done with this whole post aha.
    My dads exactly the same, I don't know whether he's pretending it's not happening, or whether he's just ignoring it. I hope it turns out like your dad.

    & One of my best friends is the same, lieterally the same as the one you mentioned in this post. She realy doesn't, and as much as I'm trying not to compare myself to others anymore, I really just aspire to have that. To truly just not give a damn.

    I'm glad that your enjoying your exercise, and not thinking of it as a loss-of-calories method. I'm the same with swimming, it was never about burning, I just love to be in the water!

    Take care