So my week has come to an end. All in all I have to say that I feel I did well. I didn't do perfect, I still see lots and lots of room for improvement, but in general I feel I stuck to my goals. I eat till I'm full, sometimes I feel too full, but I guess that's to be expected. I give my body what it needs and I feel confident that I'm on the right track. Now it's time to decide what my next goal should be. I'm not giving up on this goal, I need to keep going with it, but it's time to keep moving forward. I still am not 100% decided on what I should tackle next. I am seeing a psychologist (who I'm not sure if I like) tomorrow, so maybe she can help me by giving me some ideas, or maybe while talking to her I'll get some ideas of my own. I'm also going to get weighed, so I'll know more or less where I stand on that front. Personally, that's not SO important to me at this point, I don't think about it so much. It's funny, because in some ways I feel better not knowing. I know that if my weight ballooned up (which for some reason I doubt it did) and I were to see that I MIGHT freak out and start cutting down my portions again, which is something I really don't want to happen. I don't want that fear, that anxiety, those voices. Right now what bothers me the most is when I get sick from eating (my stomach has lots and lots of issues) and I have to lie there. Then my ED thoughts always seem to come in “You glutton! You take more then you're share of food.” or “What you're doing can't be healthy for your body.”or “You're binging and you'll keep gaining and gaining.” or “Food stops you from doing anything and makes you a lazy slob.” They sound stupid when I put them on paper like this, but in my head they are very very real. Because even though eating means discomfort and not a little nausea now, in the long run I will be healthier for it. I will be able to eat normal sized portions without getting sick, my body will be able to be comfortably full instead of going from hungry to overstuffed. I won't have to think about these things so much, and food won't be such a big part of my life. And that means a lot to me. Because really, I don't want to reach the end of my life having passed up a lot of experiences and opportunities because of food. What kind of pathetic person that would make me?
I used to believe I could live with my ED in some sort of symbiotic relationship that would make me thin and happy with myself and still able to enjoy life. That is a big delusion. The more obsessed with food I become the less and enjoy life. I have no energy, no life, no vitality. All I have is a messed up voice in my head that makes me feel guilty for eating a rice cracker AND an apple when I should have just eaten the apple. I have a voice that makes me panic when I see certain foods, that gives me anxiety attacks at not knowing what's in my food. I can't party, I can't relax, I can't concentrate on the beauty of life around me because I'm too busy counting calories. THAT is not who I want to be. And that is not what I will be. I can choose life or my ED – I choose life. And even though this sounds terrifying right now I choose being healthy over being thin. I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt I am making the right choice.