Monday, August 23, 2010

Doctors appointment and new goal.

Alright, so I saw my doctor and psychologist today - didn't go as bad as I expected. When I first talked to my psychologist we didn't hit it off AT ALL. At the end of the session she asked me if I felt like I needed help and wanted to keep seeing her. I almost said no. The only thing that kept me from actually doing that was knowing that I was seeing her through a referral, most people wait 3-6 months just to get on her list. So I figured, why not give her another shot. I'm happy I did. Today we had a good conversation. Not that anything specifically helpful was said, it's more like the tone of the entire conversation. I HATE psychologists who think they "know it all" or they know you just because you said something this or that way. She didn't give me that vibe. Actually I felt that she was taking it slow, not making any assumptions and just getting to know me. So that was nice.
And I saw my doctor. I only got to talk to her for a few minutes, but she expressed genuine concern for me as a person, and that means a lot. Actually she's a friend of a friend, so there is a more personal touch then the average doctor would have. She is genuinely concerned about my well being and that helps me trust her. I have issues with trusting doctors, but i feel amazingly comfortable with her.
And, for the first time in two weeks, I got weighed today. Sure enough I'm maintaining. It's frustrating and at the same time I'm kind of happy. I know all the people around me are very unhappy with the fact that I'm progressing so little and I know I shouldn't be happy about not gaining. But the thing is that through this experience I am learning about my body. For one, i just learned that eating till I'm full will not make me fat, actually it will not even make me gain weight. And right now I'm not even exercising, so imagine if I was. Of course, now I have to up my calorie intake, which is scary for me. Which brings me to my challenge for the week:

Add higher calorie foods to your diet and eat 2 "fear foods".

Honestly, there's quite a list of fear foods, but the ones I picked to tackle are pancakes and yellow cheese (the yellow cheese one still might change). I'm freaking out just thinking about eating them, I really hope I'm strong enough.

Anyhow, I'm so tired my eyes are closing, so I'm going to try to head on to la-la land and not think about the next days and what they will bring. But first let me list the things I did for my recovery today
- I ate all my snacks and meals for the day (usually I need someone around so I feel like I HAVE to eat)
- I ate more then what I planned for one of those meals
- I chose the higher calorie caffeine option ( coffee with milk and sugar as opposed to diet coke)

My motivation for today:

Do the things you fear and the death of fear is certain.

Ps: k.- thanks so much for following and commenting on my blog. You have no idea how much it means to know that there is someone out there interested in what I'm going through. And I am no stronger then the average person, really I'm not. I'm just willing to try again and keep trying till I succeed. I hope that you will also be able to find the satisfaction and peace with yourself that you're looking for. Take care!

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