Tuesday, August 24, 2010

It's a journey of tears.

They say anything worth something, costs something. And recovery hurts. Not always - sometimes recovery is an exiting process, a forward journey, a wonderful new door that allows me to explore possibilities that I never thought were within my grasp. Other times recovery is pain, it's discomfort - both physical and mental. You feel like the one thing that kept your life stable and gave it meaning is stripped away from you. Today is one of those days.
I had a horrible anxiety attack, the worst I've had this month. I cried, my heart was beating a million times a second, and I had dinner to eat. As I made myself food I felt physically sick, then my mom decided it was a good time to ask me about my weight. I ran into my room, locked the door and tried to calm myself down. I managed to do that to some extent through music, breathing exercises and stretches. After that I ventured out and tried to eat. And, I failed. I ended up purging because the anxiety came flooding back. Normally I wouldn't have even bothered trying to eat, but my mom expected it of me, and there was no way i could explain to her what was going on with me.

So now I feel disappointed and discouraged. But I refuse to quit. Even though today is one of the days I don't see a future in front of me and I want to slip back to what I know - the comfort and relative security of my ED, I REFUSE to believe that this is what I really want. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow all this will be erased and I have a clean slate. Tomorrow I will be strong. Tomorrow is the promise of something better, something wonderful, something beautiful. I AM NOT GIVING UP! This journey may be a journey of tears, but it will make me strong. Through this experience I will be able to become a better person. I will understand others that have similar problems and I will be able to help them in ways that no one else can; because you have to walk though this hell to know what it's like. You have to look your worst fears in the eye and tell them they do not exist. You have to do things that are unpleasant, painful and pure torture. You have to fight. There is no easy way out of this, but there is a way out. And come hell or high water I will find that way. I will be strong.

Quote for the day:
Strong people make as many mistakes as weak people. The difference is that strong people admit them, laugh about them, and learn from them. That is how they become strong.

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