I haven't been posting recently. Mainly because life is keeping me busy and I don't have a lot of time to put my thoughts on paper. Other times my thoughts are so dismal I don't want to put them on paper. But something good has been accomplished during the time I've been away. I've found a great site "http://www.webiteback.com/" which is pretty much a pro-recovery support site. I highly recommend it to anyone who is looking for support, understanding and a positive environment. Anyhow, I joined this site and I immediately found myself surrounded by people who WANTED to recover. These people weren't recovering because it was expected of them, or because they had to - these people genuinely realize that anorexia makes your life shit (excuse my language) and even though they realize that recovery is difficult and an uphill climb they are willing to make it because IT IS WORTH IT. And they're PERSONALLY COMMITTED to making these changes. And it made me realize, if I really want this I have to go for it. I can't rely on my family, my doctors, my therapists - I need to fight for this on my own. So I'm making a commitment to do something for my recovery every day. Even if it's something small, I will do something every day. And on top of that I will have week long goals that challenge my habits and thought patterns. Because I realized why my hospitalization failed. Partially it was my fault, the choices I made and the way I chose to cope with the things that came up in my life. But another reason was that I was FORCED to do everything, I didn't choose anything. And once I left the hospital i kept a lot of my old eating patterns and mindsets exactly the same. So I'm determined to make this time different. I'm going to focus on the mental aspects of my recovery as opposed to my weight gain. And I'm going to get better, for real this time.
Ok so today for my recoveries sake I:
ate 1/4 of an apple past my snack time
ate jelly for the first time in forever (and i don't know how many calories were in it :P)
ate a big snack, even though I felt sick afterwards
My week-long goal : LISTEN to my body and eat till I'm full without fear.
We'll see how this goes. So far I'm feeling positive and optimistic. I'm going to beat this bitch :P.