Tuesday, August 3, 2010


They say that the only thing to fear is fear itself. But right now I am totally overwhelmed by my different fears. I believe that fear is the main thing that stands in the way of me and full recovery. I have so many fears - many of them unexplainable, irrational and stupid, but they are fears none the less. And, even though I am ashamed to admit it, they control me. My fear is what won't let me take seconds of oatmeal, even if I'm still hungry. It's that fear that says I have no limits, that once I start eating i will just eat and eat and not know when to stop. Part of where I developed that fear is in the hospital. I was told by many doctors (and saw with my own eyes) many patients go from anorexia to bulimia - and I would hate for that to be me. There was a time in my life that I overate (my bodies reaction to starving) and gained weight very rapidly. So I'm terrified of that happening again. Then I fear the guilt that comes with eating, that horrible feeling that you need to get the food out of your system or die. I'm scarred of the depression, scarred of that helpless, out-of-control feeling. But what I'm scared of most is recovering in body but not in mind. I'm scared of hating myself and how I look and not being able to change it. I'm scared of relapsing AGAIN.

There are so many fears. But I slowly need to face them, talk myself out of them, tell myself they're irrational and stupid. The problem is right now I need someone else to do that for me, and there's no one like that around me. Every battle I fight I fight alone, and I just wish there was someone I could talk to - someone who understands.

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