Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Not giving up!

I'm going to be honest with myself and say that today was a rough day. I felt (still feel to some extent) like a glutenous pig. I ate a bigger lunch then normal, very fast because I got too hungry and I consequently felt sick all afternoon. I still ate, because I was supposed to, but I just felt so horrible and like I had just binged. I hate that feeling when I eat when I'm sick, simply because I have to eat 6 times a day. Maybe I should consider skipping some meals or snacks if I'm so miserable. Anyhow I fought the urge to purge since lunch, but it all came up anyways some time this afternoon. So I feel defeated and like all my efforts were in vain. Why did I bother enduring the mental and physical torture if in the end it was all for nothing? I want to keep fighting, I want to keep up with my commitments, but I'm really scarred. Apparently I don't know how to listen to my body, I don't know moderation, I'm a failure.

No, I can't think like that, I won't let myself think like that. I will sleep this off, and tomorrow will be a better day. I will not give up. Eventually my body is bound to normalize and I will learn to treat my body well and give it what it needs. Tomorrow is the promise of a new and better day. I need to believe that. Just because I have one bad day doesn't mean what I'm doing is wrong. What I'm doing is right. I am on a road to happiness, joy, and a full life. Any discomfort is temporary and will fade with time. In the meantime I will keep on fighting for this because it is possible and achievable. Giving up is not an option for me. Failure is not an option.

I deserve health, I deserve happiness. I deserve to live!

So today for my recovery I:
- didn't voluntarily purge
- ate what i was supposed to
-didn't give up!

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