Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Challenge to change.

Gosh, I've been soooo tired lately by the time the evening rolls around. I've been feeling pretty good recently, no strong stomach pains, so I run around all day and by the evening all I feel like doing is vegging out and reading a good book or watching something (such as SYTYCD :P). But today I feel like it's a good day to get some of my thoughts on "paper", even if it's just for the sake of crystallizing them in my own mind.
My mom asked me about my weight today. I honestly don't like my family being SO involved in my recovery, because it makes our relationship strained and tense. They don't really understand all that an ED entails, and they tend to "lecture" as opposed to offer support. So although I love them to no end, this is a part of my life I prefer not to share with them. At the same time I imagine myself in their shoes and I can't help but understand their view point. Of course they worry. If my child all of a sudden just started loosing weight drastically, with serious medical consequences involved, I wouldn't be able to just walk around and pretend like everything is ok. Especially if I knew that it wasn't something I could just "stop" and that there was a serious mental illness that motivated her actions. An illness that a hospital couldn't cure, and that I was completely powerless to stop.
Here's the thing, in my recovery so far ( a little over two months) I've gained very little - 1 kg to be exact. Now I know I'm doing better eating wise then I have since I developed an ED. Maybe not so much in the foods I choose to eat (I'm still scarred of a lot of foods) but more in my attitudes towards it. I allow myself to enjoy food now, instead of eating because I'm forced to (like I did when I was in IP).I WILLINGLY CHOOSE to eat. I'm slowly letting go of my controlling attitudes and rituals, unlike in the hospital where I simply "modified" my eating habits so that they complied with the rules. I developed some new habits too, like timing the amount of time I would eat certain foods, eating only at certain times and needing to be the last one sitting at the table. All those rules are out the window now, and I feel much freer. On the other hand, it's not showing with my weight. To my parents and friends I might as well not be making any progress since I'm not really gaining. I know about these barriers I'm breaking, but they don't. My mom and I discussed this today, and she said it's important that I do both - overcome my controlling mindsets and gain weight. But I feel right now that I can only really focus on one at a time, or at least I need to rely on supplement to help me with my weight gain. I get the impression that she thinks I'm not trying hard enough and I should get over myself and "just eat everything already" so I can gain some weight. She thinks using supplements is like "cheating". But it's unfair to just generalize my struggle like that, because there's so much going on that they don't see. On the other hand I might not be pushing myself hard enough, because if I was I should see progress. So where's the balance? What should I do now? I WANT to make progress, not only with my mindsets and habits but with my weight gain too. I want to show the people around me that I AM fighting. It's just so frustrating because it seems like no matter what I do, it's never enough. There must be a way...

I'm open to any suggestions you followers might have to offer. I really do want to be better and do better, so feel free to share anything that might be helpful to me at this point. I appreciate it :).

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