What that means is that I am finally looking in the mirror and seeing what other people see. I WANT to gain weight. I no longer see it as a side effect, or something that inevitably comes with eating. No it's something that I'm pushing myself towards, possibly harder then ever.
I think what fueled this recent motivation is losing weight while on my trip. There were a few comments that affected me, one of which was made by a friend of mine whom I hadn't seen in a while. He said I was looking better (a.k.a gaining weight). At first I was happy, but it also made me feel sort of apathetic about trying to nourish myself. "After all" I reasoned "I gain weight without really trying. So I don't need to push myself as hard as I do".
That was obviously a wrong assumption, and I see that very clearly in hindsight. However there was another comment that sort of opened my eyes to the way things really are.
I was getting ready to go out to a party with my friend, but I just couldn't find clothes to fit me. Why? Because I looked so THIN in everything I put on. I felt self-conscious and wanted to look good showing off as little of my body as possible - not easy. After a lot of deliberation I finally decided on an outfit.
I felt fine most of the evening. There was a guy that I met that I spent a long time talking to. He wasn't one of those typical guys you meet at parties (mainly because he wasn't totally wasted when I met him). We talked about a lot of different things, and I genuinely enjoyed his company.
He was waiting for one of his friends to join the party, and I went to use the bathroom. When I came out he was chatting with his friend. Both of them looked up when I came up to them, and the first thing is friend said to me (he had obviously been drinking) was "Gosh, you're REALLY skinny".
That felt like a slap in the face, because there was nothing complimentary about that statement. He was stating a painfully obvious fact; a fact others are too polite to mention. The guy I was talking to gave him a dirty look as I walked away. But at that moment I realized something.
Skinny is NOT attractive. Having a low BMI does not make me beautiful. Sure, I'm no longer emaciated, but I am still too thin. And I don't want this any more. I don't want the comments, the stares, the whispers when they think I'm not listening. Most of all I want to feel good about myself again. I want to feel sexy, to know others find me attractive. Enough mucking around with this and time to GAIN SOME WEIGHT ALREADY.
So far I'm trying to do just that. I'm eating nut butters like it's my job, adding calories where I can. Because no matter what I feel at the moment, the truth is I need to gain weight.
I want my health back. I want my beauty back. I want to be free once again.
Here's a picture of me at a healthy weight (according to my friends this is the best I've ever looked).
I look at that picture and I feel good about myself. I feel like I look good, and I like the knowledge that others agreed with me. I want that back.
It's time to end this truce I've had with my ED and take an offensive. I'm tired of maintaining and standing still. I want to move forward towards a new and better life.
Watch out world, because here I come!