Friday, March 4, 2011

It's just too easy...

I will be delaying my trip recap post for just another day. I truly do apologize, because that post was bound to be a lot more positive and up-beat then this one, but I need to get this off my chest.

This trip was wonderful - an opportunity to catch up with old friends, make new ones, work a bit and relax. But there was a side that wasn't so great - and that was my eating. As much as I attempted to eat a good amount, I seemed to have failed.

I've lost weight - noticeable weight. I don't weigh myself anymore so I don't know exactly how much. I'm hoping it's all in my head, that I'm just paranoid. But when I see the way my clothes fit me and how gaunt and bony my face now looks - I know the truth.

It was just so easy to slip back, to restrict without even trying. I was busy, I wasn't hungry, I was going to be partying that evening so the alcohol calories would make up for it. All those seemed like valid excuses at the moment. The truth is I thought it was impossible. I haven't "tried" to lose weight in so long I figured it wasn't possible. And not eating was just too convenient - it saved on money, time, bloating and indigestion I get rather often. But I regret it 100%

The first day I tried to eat normally I experienced extreme nausea that made it impossible. I was travelling so I just wrote it off as car sickness and thought nothing more of it. The next day was the same. Now my body is compensating for the lost calories by an insatiable appetite, coupled with excruciating pain after meals. I try to listen to my body and eat enough to satiate me, but being full equates almost unbearable pain (something I am experiencing at the moment).

If nothing else this experience has taught me I can't play around with my body and expect not to pay the consequences. I can't afford to skip just one meal, or live off low calorie meals and expect to be ok. My body has been though a lot, and if I ever expect it to normalize and become healthy and strong like it used to be, I need to stop messing around.

You can't just have an "off day" in recovery. You can't wake up in the morning and decide "I don't feel like fighting today. I'll give in today, just today. Tomorrow I'll get up again and do better". You need to decide each and every moment to fight, to do what's right, to not give in. With time it gets easier, you make more right decisions then wrong ones. But slipping is easy too, and once you go down that road, getting back on track is much harder.

I'm learning my lesson the hard way. I need to suffer though the physical and mental consequences of my actions because I thought I could take a break and go back to the "easy zone" for a while. But it doesn't work that way, and I know that this is a lesson that won't soon be forgotten.

How do you pick yourself up after a slip up?


  1. That really sucks, L, but you know what? You've learned from it. That's the most important thing! If we don't have these mini slips, we never learn anything and we don't see how strong we really are. I find that I have had many mini slips in the past, but I have learned to listen to my body for so long that the next day, my body is just too hungry to ignore it.

    The only way I know how to pick myself up from a slip is to talk to someone I trust about it and force myself to do the right thing whether I like it or not.

    Looking forward to reading about your trip, Lovely :)


  2. I'm so glad that you have a positive attitude now, though! And you realize that you have to consciously fight ED in order to reach recovery. You can do it :)
    Don't be too hard on yourself. We all make mistakes!

  3. The fact that you recognize you slipped up is so important. And the fact that you WANT to move on is wondeful! It shows how far you've come and how much you've learned.

    I agree that we learn from our mistakes - we're supposed to. :)

    Take care and be kind to yourself!

  4. I concur with everyone who says that you learned something from your mistakes. That's all you can do. Sure, we need to keep fighting as best we can, but there are always going to be minor setbacks here and there - that's part of life. The best thing to do in any case is to accept those shortcomings, learn from them, and use that knowledge to do better in the first place. What good is it going to do if we beat ourselves up over things that we've done in the past that we can't change now? Just live for the moment, savor and embrace it, and do the best you can next time, that's all anyone can ask of you. Keep positive and don't forget to love yourself too!

  5. Oh L, I'm sorry you are having a hard time. I'm struggling too right now and wondering the same thing - how do I regain my momentum? But I see how determined you are. I know you can do this. We are so much stronger than these stupid EDs.

    Don't be too hard on yourself. You don't have to be perfect at recovery, you just have to keep making steps in the right direction.

    Hugs! Hang in there.