Not giving up!

I'm going to be honest with myself and say that today was a rough day. I felt (still feel to some extent) like a glutenous pig. I ate a bigger lunch then normal, very fast because I got too hungry and I consequently felt sick all afternoon. I still ate, because I was supposed to, but I just felt so horrible and like I had just binged. I hate that feeling when I eat when I'm sick, simply because I have to eat 6 times a day. Maybe I should consider skipping some meals or snacks if I'm so miserable. Anyhow I fought the urge to purge since lunch, but it all came up anyways some time this afternoon. So I feel defeated and like all my efforts were in vain. Why did I bother enduring the mental and physical torture if in the end it was all for nothing? I want to keep fighting, I want to keep up with my commitments, but I'm really scarred. Apparently I don't know how to listen to my body, I don't know moderation, I'm a failure.

No, I can't think like that, I won't let myself think like that. I will sleep this off, and tomorrow will be a better day. I will not give up. Eventually my body is bound to normalize and I will learn to treat my body well and give it what it needs. Tomorrow is the promise of a new and better day. I need to believe that. Just because I have one bad day doesn't mean what I'm doing is wrong. What I'm doing is right. I am on a road to happiness, joy, and a full life. Any discomfort is temporary and will fade with time. In the meantime I will keep on fighting for this because it is possible and achievable. Giving up is not an option for me. Failure is not an option.

I deserve health, I deserve happiness. I deserve to live!





So today for my recovery I:
- didn't voluntarily purge
- ate what i was supposed to
-didn't give up!

Eating "normally"

I've been busy, so didn't have much time to update. But so far I've been keeping up with my daily and weekly challenges. The "listening to my body" part is very hard though, because I will eat more at one snack because I'm hungry, but then end up trying to skimp on the other ones, because I "ate so much". Also my body weirds out because it's a change in routine, and my body sure doesn't like changes. Also I'm almost scarred of trusting my body to know when I should stop eating. The first time I tried to recover from my ED I ended up doing a lot of binging and gained weight very fast. So that scarred me. Now I want to have "normal" eating habits, but there's always that nagging thought -"Once you're normal, will you keep gaining." I've had my habits in place for so long that breaking makes me feel so scarred. I just need to learn to trust my body and realize if I treat it right it won't weird out on me. It's difficult though.
On a positive note I've made myself some goals (not ED related) that I intend to stick to. I need things to occupy me and keep me busy, otherwise I go crazy. I need to have something to pour all that energy into, so I don't feel like it's wasted. Right now I'm feeling exited and can't wait to get started, and that's always a good thing.

Alright well without further ado, here are my recovery challenges from yesterday and today (a.k.a things I did for my recovery):

16.08.2010
- I made a more filling breakfast.
- I bought the higher calorie yogurt when faced with a choice
- I let someone else cook my meal for me
- I ate my 2nd snack even though I didn't have to.

17.08.2010
- I ate a bigger snack because I was hungry
- I fought my anxiety and the resultant desire to purge by going for a walk and enjoying the sunshine and my second snack :)
- I had a few "unplanned" bites of yogurt (I never randomly snitch food if I feel like it)

Right now I'm actually having a mild anxiety attack because I'm going to have a potentially very tense, emotionally heated discussion, I hope this feeling passes. I'm just going to try to relax and not think about it.

My quote for the day: To conquer fear, you have to feel the fear and take action anyway.

A quick update.

Today was a good day for me. Minimal stomach pain, was busy most of the day (crucial to me having a good day) had a good heart-to-heart discussion with my mom. She's really been supportive of me recently, and I'm happy for that. I think during recovery it's necessary to have someone like that - someone who doesn't judge, someone who doesn't expect you to be perfect right away, someone who notices the little steps you take. Most of all you need someone to stand between you and the world when you have no strength to face them alone. I hope some day I'll be able to show her how much she's helped me, simply by being the way she is. I know she suffers for it, she has to be the go-between me and the rest of the family. She's been told that she doesn't care enough, she's "too supportive", she's not helping me like she should. But she is, because I'm motivated to recover because I want to make her proud. I want to show others that understanding and support are more important then strict diet regiments and minimum weight goals. And I don't want to let her down, I can't let her down.

So here's for todays recovery efforts:

- added food at snack
- had a iced coffee with milk and sugar and didn't LET myself feel guilty about it

The added food at snack was me trying to "listen to my body". Didn't feel as hungry at lunch though, so I need to see how to balance both those things.

But today was a good day :).

My commitments.

I haven't been posting recently. Mainly because life is keeping me busy and I don't have a lot of time to put my thoughts on paper. Other times my thoughts are so dismal I don't want to put them on paper. But something good has been accomplished during the time I've been away. I've found a great site "http://www.webiteback.com/" which is pretty much a pro-recovery support site. I highly recommend it to anyone who is looking for support, understanding and a positive environment. Anyhow, I joined this site and I immediately found myself surrounded by people who WANTED to recover. These people weren't recovering because it was expected of them, or because they had to - these people genuinely realize that anorexia makes your life shit (excuse my language) and even though they realize that recovery is difficult and an uphill climb they are willing to make it because IT IS WORTH IT. And they're PERSONALLY COMMITTED to making these changes. And it made me realize, if I really want this I have to go for it. I can't rely on my family, my doctors, my therapists - I need to fight for this on my own. So I'm making a commitment to do something for my recovery every day. Even if it's something small, I will do something every day. And on top of that I will have week long goals that challenge my habits and thought patterns. Because I realized why my hospitalization failed. Partially it was my fault, the choices I made and the way I chose to cope with the things that came up in my life. But another reason was that I was FORCED to do everything, I didn't choose anything. And once I left the hospital i kept a lot of my old eating patterns and mindsets exactly the same. So I'm determined to make this time different. I'm going to focus on the mental aspects of my recovery as opposed to my weight gain. And I'm going to get better, for real this time.


Ok so today for my recoveries sake I:
ate 1/4 of an apple past my snack time
ate jelly for the first time in forever (and i don't know how many calories were in it :P)
ate a big snack, even though I felt sick afterwards


My week-long goal : LISTEN to my body and eat till I'm full without fear.

We'll see how this goes. So far I'm feeling positive and optimistic. I'm going to beat this bitch :P.

Admitting I need help.

This is potentially the most difficult thing for me to do - admit that I need help. I try so often to pretend I'm strong, to pretend that everything is under control and I'm doing fine, when the opposite is true. I need to learn that it's okay for me not to be okay all that time. It's difficult for me to be dependent on others, to admit that I don't have everything together. But it's something I need to learn, otherwise I won't be able to fully recover. I'll spend the time pretending, and essentially, lying to myself and everyone around me. But even though I realize this it's hard for me to reach out and ask for help. A part of me craves more help and support, but then the other part is terrified. A voice in my head tells me that no one will understand me and that they'll push me beyond my limits, they will hurt me and make my life worse then it already is. This is a lie, because I know the people around me love me, but sometimes I DO feel like they don't understand me. What I need is someone I can trust, I need someone that I know can and wants to help me. But it's hard for me to open up, it's almost impossible for me to trust. Still, I know I need to take the first step, I need to ask for help. I need to take that step into the dark and trust that someone will extend a hand and pull me though.

Fear.

They say that the only thing to fear is fear itself. But right now I am totally overwhelmed by my different fears. I believe that fear is the main thing that stands in the way of me and full recovery. I have so many fears - many of them unexplainable, irrational and stupid, but they are fears none the less. And, even though I am ashamed to admit it, they control me. My fear is what won't let me take seconds of oatmeal, even if I'm still hungry. It's that fear that says I have no limits, that once I start eating i will just eat and eat and not know when to stop. Part of where I developed that fear is in the hospital. I was told by many doctors (and saw with my own eyes) many patients go from anorexia to bulimia - and I would hate for that to be me. There was a time in my life that I overate (my bodies reaction to starving) and gained weight very rapidly. So I'm terrified of that happening again. Then I fear the guilt that comes with eating, that horrible feeling that you need to get the food out of your system or die. I'm scarred of the depression, scarred of that helpless, out-of-control feeling. But what I'm scared of most is recovering in body but not in mind. I'm scared of hating myself and how I look and not being able to change it. I'm scared of relapsing AGAIN.

There are so many fears. But I slowly need to face them, talk myself out of them, tell myself they're irrational and stupid. The problem is right now I need someone else to do that for me, and there's no one like that around me. Every battle I fight I fight alone, and I just wish there was someone I could talk to - someone who understands.

Back on the uphill climb.

So much time has elapsed since writing my last post. So much time and so much has happened. The truth is i felt like a hypocrite writing this blog, because it was supposed to encourage my recovery. Instead I slowly started off on a downward spiral that led me right back to the beginning. At first it all seemed so innocent. I only wanted to lose a kilo, then another, then another. Before i knew it, it was out of control. I was losing rapidly, and even though i wanted to stop, i couldn't. I wanted to reach out to those around me for help, but i somehow couldn't find the strength. To be honest I was scared. I was scared of what a second recovery would mean for me, how it would affect my life. One night I sat down, weighed out the pro's and con's and told my parents the truth. Then came the hard part. I fought food, I manipulated the scales, I told myself that I could keep playing this game, and if I just gained a little more weight i would be fine. But that was a lie, just like the many others I would tell myself in hopes that I could have a normal life without giving up the habits and routines that I had become so accustomed to. Finally I came clean. I decided I really want to fight. The doctors recommended hospitalization. At 37 kg it's easy to see why. They couldn't believe I would be strong enough to fight on my own. But I want to, I want to prove them wrong. Some days I forget why I'm fighting, I want to hide from the world and curl up and accept my fate. Yes, I realize that my fate is death if i give into this illness. But some days even that seems better then the effort I need to put into fighting. Then I look around me and I see my family and friends and I tell myself "Today I will fight. I will eat today, just today, and then I'll leave tomorrow to itself". So far the road is rough. In a month I've gained around 0.5 kg. I gained that recently and I experience horrible depression. Still I struggle on. Still I reach for the light.