So as of today my stomach seems to be on the road to recovery. Eating hummus still caused a bit of pain, but most of my veggies/fruit went down pain free. Yay for introducing a bit more variety into my diet.
There is something I'm struggling a bit with though, especially since regaining my appetite.
I am a self confessed snack-a-holic. I'm one of those people that just can't eat 3 meals a day and get enough nutrients/fuel in those meals to last them through the day. I need 5 mini-meals a day. And although this is considered healthy and normal, I feel bad about it.
Why? I feel like I eat big snacks :( It's baffling for me, because there are times I DON'T FEEL HUNGRY, but when I start to eat I need A LOT to feel satiated. And often that satiated feeling never comes - it's hungry to full. I struggle with this because unlike in times past I don't "plan" my snacks. I have a general idea of what I want to eat, and if that isn't enough I get something more. But maybe it is enough? Maybe I'm boredom eating? It is a possibility, especially since I am in the house a lot of the time with not much to do.
Today I got hit with a lot of thoughts like this regarding my snack. I didn't restrict though - I ate what it took for me to be full. But there was not a little mental struggle involved.
Also a lot of my snacks tend to be the same thing, day after day. I don't know why I've developed ruts like this. It could be because those are staples that are available in our house. The problem is whenever I eat anything other then those foods I feel guilt, like that food should have been reserved for a meal. But I guess for me snacks are mini meals, because I can't eat big enough main meals (I'm assuming). Or maybe this extra hunger is my bodies way of trying to get to it's set point, and once it reaches that point the hunger will fade and I will start eating less.
It's just hard for me to look around me and see everyone eating less then me when I am the "former anorexic" and thus should be eating less then them. Ok that is obviously eating disordered thinking right there. But when I compare my meals to my dads, he seems to eat the same amount - although he's a BIG guy and exercises of a regular basis. What's wrong with this picture?
I'm sorry, I have to ask this question in order to get it off my chest.
Are 2 crackers of this:
with a bit of this:
and half a cup of this
with this
an insanly huge snack. Or are my ED thoughts really getting to me today?
Yay! It's great that you're feeling better to eat more now. It's even more fantastic that you shuts ED's stupid, ugly mouth up and didn't restrict! I relate completely, because I cannot eat enough food in 3 meals a day to make it enough calories. Breaking it apart does help with that. It is nothing to feel bad about in any way.
ReplyDeleteThird person challenge, remember? Do you think you might get upset at a friend for eating 5 times a day, rather than 3? You should be your own best friend. I doubt it's boredom eating; your body is very smart when it comes to food, and all it wants is balance. You would not eat if you body didn't need the nouishment to be healthy.
I am rut central over here, so I totally get where you are coming from. And I too feel the guilt when I don't eat my usual rut food. What helps me is to remind myself that I didn't eat it this time, but I can the next time I eat; it will still be available. I believe in set points too, and the idea to just let your body do its thing and find its balance. After that, naturally you will crave less food, because you will need less to maintain. I think it would be good to just go with it and let your physiological need do what it wants. I know it's hard (definately a daily work in progress for me too), but it will be worth it.
It's funny (in the sick, twisted way, not the haha way), I feel the same, like I'm the anorexic who eats more than everyone else. But remembering that I am also underweight with a newly revved up metabolism and I need to eat this much to gain and be healthy often eases the anxiety..
Last thing (so sorry for this novel), that snack is not huge by any means. ED is an ASS! It's a perfectly normal quantity of food.
Email me if you need to vent.
It's great that you know when to feed your body. I know for me that 3 meals a day isn't enough. I need to snack between meals in order to keep my blood sugar stable. However, I tend to have rather big meals and smallish snacks. Your meals may be smaller than mine and thus meaning you need bigger snacks to hold you over.
ReplyDeleteAnd NO that isn't a huge snack. Maybe the volume looks big but that they are all considered to be low-calorie foods which means you need to eat more of them. My snack back in the day used to consist of a muffin, spoonful of jam, a spoonful of almond butter and a serving of full-fat yoghurt. That used to equal around 350 calories which, to some, is considered a meal in itself! But because I was trying to gain weight, I needed a snack like this. I used to compare it to other people and then I thought what the heck. I am going to snack on foods that I enjoy and if I have to gain weight, I might as well have fun doing so.
Don't let the thoughts get the best of you :)
xxx
i feel EXACTLY like you do.
ReplyDeletei eat.. pretty much the same snack too.
my meals may be measly. but my hunger is coming back... but i get so snacky.. and yes. it makes me mad too.
i dont think its a lot. it may feel alot.. but look at this post again when you head is a bit more clear.. you may see it in a new way..
I know what it's like to be scared to deviate from the same snacks. And also, it is scary for me, too, to eat "dinner" foods at lunchtime or "lunch" foods randomly throughout the day. I know it's stupid, but it's just a mentality we've got to break.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I eat a lot! Just like you. I snack all the time. People have even started commenting about how I'm always eating, but I look at it as a compliment now. Hey, I'm happy and I look and feel healthy. If that means eating all the time, then so be it.
Just keep telling your ED that you need those extra calories. Even if you look around and people are eating less than you, they may not need as much as your body does. Or maybe they're going to go home and eat a bunch later. You really never know. Recovery, though, is for YOU. You can't compare yourself to others. They didn't develop an eating disorder. You did. This is something that I've been struggling with, too :/
We can do it, though! Just focus on YOUR recovery and stop comparing yourself to others. I love the picture in your newest blog post. Just remember that picture! Everyone is beautiful. No matter the shape or size. No matter how much they eat. These things don't matter one bit in the grand scheme of life.
Finally, that snack is actually very well proportioned. It's healthy, and it looks good! I would NOT for one second say that it is too big. Also, you need to learn to trust your body. If you're still eating, you obviously need that fuel!
You mentioned that sometimes you feel as if you eat because you're bored or whatever, but hey.. that is "normal" eating. It's weird, but we all have those moments, and if you're doing that it's much better to be mindlessly eating than to be consciously starving yourself, ya know?
Obviously you'd rather be somewhere in the middle, where you eat to a satiation period, but you'll get there :)
I'm proud of the progress you're making!
Also, thanks for the sweet comments on my blog
<3 Haley