Honestly, I wasn't sure what I was in for when I started. Treating myself like I would someone else would mean that all the "guilt" trips would have to go. Anything that I would force myself to do because I felt I "had" to would become very clear, very soon.
It's funny but once you develop an ED some habits become so ingrained in your head you think they are a part of you. You know, things you choose to do or not to do, your likes and dislikes - basically everything gets distorted.
An example - my ED convinced me for the longest of time I didn't like cheese or avocados. The truth was I was scarred of the fat content in those foods so I wouldn't let myself indulge. But for the longest of times I was convinced that I didn't like those foods, so I didn't even want to try them. After forcing myself to try them initially and having a few mental struggles I realized that I like avocados and cheese.
Hear that ED, I like cheese and I am not ashamed of that fact anymore!!!
Anyhow, back to my challenge. After a few days I came to the shocking realization that the thing I would "force" myself to do most often would be engage in some form of exercise. I would feel the need to go walking when I didn't actually want to, or do yoga although I was tired. As per my challenge I wouldn't do any of these things, but the thoughts that I should do them were most definitely there. This came as a surprise to me, because I always thought that exercise wasn't a problem for me. (in an upcoming post I'll detail my relation ship with exercise). I always thought it was more of a food thing. Turns out I don't have such a hard time eating, but I feel the need to compensate eating by exercising. Although at times I had to consiously allow myself certain indulgences, I'm doing pretty good on that front.
Speaking of indulgences, today was full of them. Check out what I baked today:
It's a yellow coconut cake. So simple but deliciouse (the recipie for it is here in case you're interested.) It was served with some chocolate pudding for flavor contrast, yummy!!!
And this afternoon I did something I was never able to do pre-ED. I made a pizza dinner for my family. This, my dear blog readers, is no small feat considering I have a family of nine and most of them are growing boys (and I think we all know what their appetite looks like). When I was deep in my ED, even spending that amount of time in the kitchen would cause extreme anxiety, not to mention I wouldn't even try to eat any of it.
Well today I was able to sit around the table and throughly enjoy my meal. I'm actually stuffed right now, but each bite was so worth it. I mean, who could resist something like this:
Coming out of the oven - a mixed pizza (1/4 eggplant mozzarella, 1/4 ham and mushrooms, 1/4 mixed cheeses and olives, 1/4 ham, olives.):
Another one already waiting to be eaten (mushroom, ham, cheese pizza):
I actually really enjoyed this meal. I didn't compare my portion size to others (it was rather hefty), I didn't fill up on veggies or water before hand. I ate what I wanted to, and it was 100% worth it (despite the slight stomach ache I have now).
I also realized that family meals mean so much more then just giving your body fuel. They also mean great company, pleasent conversations, lots of laughs and happy memories. These are all things I would miss out on if I was still entrapped in my old ways. Life is so much richer without them!
Hope you all enjoy the end of your week-end :P!
What did your ED convince you that you like/dislike that you've found isn't true?