Thursday, January 20, 2011

New motivation.

Today I'm having a blah sort of day. There's a tummy flu going around and I am trying my very best to fight it off. So most of today consisted of lying down, eating very bland food and willing myself not to be sick.

Something productive that I WAS able to accomplish was looking up a list of potential universities I could send applications in to. This process requires a lot of deliberation because it means:

- I need to move out and find an apartment in the city the University is in
- Find a job to support myself
- Commit to spending 3+ years in this new location

Also I am waiting on some paperwork to even find out if I am eligible to apply to some of these faculties. It's exiting yet overwhelming at the same time. I don't think I've ever wanted anything quite as much as I want this. I feel like I have no back up plan in case this doesn't pan out. I look at myself 3 years down the line and I can't imagine having an office job, or working as a waitress, or having any run of the mill type job. Not that I wouldn't be willing to do it short time, mind you, because I would do almost anything in order to support myself short term. But
as far as I life long career path, I just don't see anything else.

Maybe it's stupid and naive to put all my dreams in one basket and say "this is the way I want my life to be". But I feel that after years of searching I've found something I want to do with my life. I feel like I have a purpose, a goal and I would do almost anything to reach that goal.

This also motivates me to pursue recovery with a new vengeance, knowing that I have to be in a good place physically and mentally in order to study. I can't be suffering memory lapses, or have problems concentrating, or constantly be obsessing about food. I don't intend to throw all the rules of healthy living up in the air and just "let myself go" so to speak. But I need to be able to grab a sandwich on the go without worrying about the fat/calorie content. I want to be able to go out with friends for pizza and a drink - regardless if I have exercised that day or not. I want to be free to continue on living my life in the way I want to, without this emotional/mental baggag
e weighing on me all the time.

So as of tomorrow I will challenge myself to step outside my comfort zone in some way. I'm not yet sure how I intend to do this just yet. All I know is this - I want to be healthy, I want a full, ED free life. And I'm going to do whatever it takes to get it.

When we are motivated by goals that have deep meaning, by dreams that need completion, by pure love that needs expressing, then we truly live life.

You measure the size of the ac
complishment by the obstacles you had to overcome to reach your goals.


  1. As someone who has suffered with an eating disorder all through university, I can say that it is extremely tough. I had to drop courses because of it. I suffered to concentrate because my thoughts were all associated with food. My energy levels were always low and it sucked. I feel like I've missed out on so much university life because of this illness. Don't let it happen to you!!! I know that with the determination you have, you won't :)


  2. Katy is right! You are so determined, L! I see how strong you are and you will beat the ED. You will find success wherever you go.

    I'm looking at colleges over here, and I have to admit I am so excited! I too have specific hopes for my future, and I say go for it. Sometimes you may have to adjust your goal slightly. I wanted to be a police officer so badly, but since my health issues started I've been thinking more about doing investigative work behind the scenes. Just be flexible!

    I hope you feel better and don't get sick! Stay strong!

  3. I'm glad that you are using your motivation to get into school and to be successful in life to defeat your ED!
    It's great that you see the negative correlation ED has with being well balanced, happy, and focused.
    You're going to do great wherever you go. You're very intelligent from what I have read of your blog posts :)
    Keep it up girl!
    And try to get better! Drink some fluids! <3

  4. I love this post!!! I'm so glad that you have found a powerful new motivation for recovery! You are so right that it is impossible to get the kind of education you want without being healthy. I am currently in college, and being able to continue my education and succeed is my biggest motivation for recovery- our brains need fuel! :-) Keep up the positive attitude and keep fighting! I hope you feel better- try to get lots of vitamin C! <3