Something productive that I WAS able to accomplish was looking up a list of potential universities I could send applications in to. This process requires a lot of deliberation because it means:
- I need to move out and find an apartment in the city the University is in
- Find a job to support myself
- Commit to spending 3+ years in this new location
Also I am waiting on some paperwork to even find out if I am eligible to apply to some of these faculties. It's exiting yet overwhelming at the same time. I don't think I've ever wanted anything quite as much as I want this. I feel like I have no back up plan in case this doesn't pan out. I look at myself 3 years down the line and I can't imagine having an office job, or working as a waitress, or having any run of the mill type job. Not that I wouldn't be willing to do it short time, mind you, because I would do almost anything in order to support myself short term. But
as far as I life long career path, I just don't see anything else.
Maybe it's stupid and naive to put all my dreams in one basket and say "this is the way I want my life to be". But I feel that after years of searching I've found something I want to do with my life. I feel like I have a purpose, a goal and I would do almost anything to reach that goal.
This also motivates me to pursue recovery with a new vengeance, knowing that I have to be in a good place physically and mentally in order to study. I can't be suffering memory lapses, or have problems concentrating, or constantly be obsessing about food. I don't intend to throw all the rules of healthy living up in the air and just "let myself go" so to speak. But I need to be able to grab a sandwich on the go without worrying about the fat/calorie content. I want to be able to go out with friends for pizza and a drink - regardless if I have exercised that day or not. I want to be free to continue on living my life in the way I want to, without this emotional/mental baggag
e weighing on me all the time.
So as of tomorrow I will challenge myself to step outside my comfort zone in some way. I'm not yet sure how I intend to do this just yet. All I know is this - I want to be healthy, I want a full, ED free life. And I'm going to do whatever it takes to get it.
When we are motivated by goals that have deep meaning, by dreams that need completion, by pure love that needs expressing, then we truly live life.
You measure the size of the accomplishment by the obstacles you had to overcome to reach your goals.