Monday, January 10, 2011

The scariest thing.

I don't like to think of myself as a fearful person. I much rather try to emulate the "dare devil" that dives into new thing and isn't afraid of anything or anyone. But the truth is that everyone has fears and things that scare them.

One of my biggest ED-related fears at the moment is binging. It's not actually the physical act of overeating that I am so scared of. It's not even the total loss of control you feel at that moment. I am scared of getting locked in the binge-purge cycle I was in before.

I am not and never was bulimic, but in the past I had a tendency to starve my body to such a degree that it would literally FORCE me to eat things I was not comfortable with. Usually it wasn't even all that much, just enough to make me feel guilty occasionally uncomfortably full. Then I would feel the panic mounting and my way of coping with that panic was purging. Although this would make me feel better in the short term it would start me on a cycle that I had to fight very hard to get out of.

Yesterday I had a "binge scare". All day it seemed like I was insatiably hungry. It might have to do with the fact that my eating schedule is somewhat out of whack because I am in a new place and busy so a lot of the time I end up missing out on a snack or two. Although I tell myself I make it up by eating more when I do finally get around to eating, I have a feeling that it's not entirely true.
Back to my story. I decided just to eat till I was full and try not to think about it too much. After all it's much better to do that then end up eating uncontrollably. But by the evening I was feeling pretty anxious and guilty. I planned on eating a lighter dinner but I was so hungry I ended up eating a larger one then I had anticipated. To top it off I started feeling really full. The panic set it and my mind raced. Before it got too far though I decided to get some control over my mind. These feelings of guilt and anxiety were just that - feelings- and as such they would pass. Purging was not an option. It isn't an option for normal people so it isn't an option for me. I opted for a hot bath and pretty soon the feeling of uncomfortable fullness passed. In hindsight I only ate slightly more then my usual amount, definitely not enough to consider a binge of any sort. It's just amazing how your mind can screw with you so much. I am so happy I didn't give in to my thoughts and just let those feelings pass.

Today I am struggling with some body image issues as well but I will NOT let them affect the way I act. I am writing down my food intake so I can accurately judge my intake, because in the moment my mind tends to distort things. I am stronger then this and I will beat it and have a great day!

Ed you might as well shut the hell up, cuz I ain't listening.


  1. I am so proud of you, L! You are so right, the ED totally distorts everything we do. I'm glad that you didn't give in to purging and that you are talking back to ED! =)

    Take care! Hugs!


  2. I love this post!
    I'm so proud of you for not purging. You're probably right in that you barely overate, and when you think about the rest of America's diet plan, your meal was probably even less than that! It's also great that you are writing down what you're eating. I have to do the same thing. I know that if I were to just eat what I wanted when I wanted I wouldn't be getting the sufficient calories I need for the day. Calorie=energy! Something we must all remember.
    Good luck with this week. I know you can do it.

  3. You got this girl. You ain't listening! :-) I just started following your blog. Kudos on not purging!!!!! You're going down the right road and doing great!!!!!

    if you get a chance to check out my blog- that'd be great!

  4. This is brilliant! The worst part about feelings is that you have to sit with them and let them pass. It's about giving them time to taper off and calm down which is the hardest thing to do when you haven't let yourself feel for a long time.

    Just remember that normal people overeat, too. But when they do, they find it funny and make funny groaning noises, fart, and go to sleep.

    You totally have more control over this than you thought, L!! Isn't it wonderful?!?! :)


  5. Great job, girl!
    I'm really proud of you. You CAN do this, girl!
    You have what it takes to recover!
    I'm praying for you :)