The scariest thing.

I don't like to think of myself as a fearful person. I much rather try to emulate the "dare devil" that dives into new thing and isn't afraid of anything or anyone. But the truth is that everyone has fears and things that scare them.

One of my biggest ED-related fears at the moment is binging. It's not actually the physical act of overeating that I am so scared of. It's not even the total loss of control you feel at that moment. I am scared of getting locked in the binge-purge cycle I was in before.

I am not and never was bulimic, but in the past I had a tendency to starve my body to such a degree that it would literally FORCE me to eat things I was not comfortable with. Usually it wasn't even all that much, just enough to make me feel guilty occasionally uncomfortably full. Then I would feel the panic mounting and my way of coping with that panic was purging. Although this would make me feel better in the short term it would start me on a cycle that I had to fight very hard to get out of.

Yesterday I had a "binge scare". All day it seemed like I was insatiably hungry. It might have to do with the fact that my eating schedule is somewhat out of whack because I am in a new place and busy so a lot of the time I end up missing out on a snack or two. Although I tell myself I make it up by eating more when I do finally get around to eating, I have a feeling that it's not entirely true.
Back to my story. I decided just to eat till I was full and try not to think about it too much. After all it's much better to do that then end up eating uncontrollably. But by the evening I was feeling pretty anxious and guilty. I planned on eating a lighter dinner but I was so hungry I ended up eating a larger one then I had anticipated. To top it off I started feeling really full. The panic set it and my mind raced. Before it got too far though I decided to get some control over my mind. These feelings of guilt and anxiety were just that - feelings- and as such they would pass. Purging was not an option. It isn't an option for normal people so it isn't an option for me. I opted for a hot bath and pretty soon the feeling of uncomfortable fullness passed. In hindsight I only ate slightly more then my usual amount, definitely not enough to consider a binge of any sort. It's just amazing how your mind can screw with you so much. I am so happy I didn't give in to my thoughts and just let those feelings pass.


Today I am struggling with some body image issues as well but I will NOT let them affect the way I act. I am writing down my food intake so I can accurately judge my intake, because in the moment my mind tends to distort things. I am stronger then this and I will beat it and have a great day!



Ed you might as well shut the hell up, cuz I ain't listening.