I'm torn about writing tonight. I'm tired, my stomach hurts, and I want nothing more then to take a hot shower and curl up in bed with a good book. But I have so much on my mind, and I'm hoping that maybe writing will help me clear my thoughts and enable me to make some sense of what exactly is going on in my head.
I've been running around like crazy since the beginning of this week. A part of me loves the constant action, the added stress and the fact that I'm perpetually doing something. But it's also one of my best coping mechanisms. It's my classic “running away” maneuver. I make myself busy with so many other things that I don't have time to deal with the issues that are really bothering me. And there is something bothering me.
The problem is that I don't know what's wrong. I feel scared of the future. Not the future in general, but mainly relating to my ED recovery. I know that recovery means health and a happiness and all sorts of good, wonderful things. The concept of being free of any food issues is indescribably appealing to me. Yet at the same time the specific steps are scaring me. I don't want to see my psychologist, I don't want to get weighed. I just want to be left alone. I want everything to be fine. I've felt great these past few days – energetic, without food or body issues. I know deep inside I'm not better, but I feel better. It's like I had a long-term illness but suddenly all the symptoms disappeared. I FEEL better, so I get annoyed when people talk about me being sick. I am still sick, but I don't want to be. I want to be gaining weight and keep up my current lifestyle. I just want to be free to move on with my life.
Every day I tell myself I will push myself harder. Some days I do, others I don't. But for the most part I am happy, something I could never say when in the depths of my ED. So why does that have to change? Why can't I just be happy.
Tomorrow I am scheduling an appointment with my therapist because it's the right thing to do. I'm dreading it with all my heart. But enough is enough. It's time to move on. It's time for me to start taking my own advice and just stick to what I'm doing, to keep traveling the road I started on. I'm just tired, so tired....