It's been far too long since I last posted.
Nothing bad has been happening with me, despite what my last post has implied. I was having a really rough day as well as feeling hurt and misunderstood by the people around me. The past is the past though, that day is done and over and I am faced with new prospects and challenges.
I realized that somewhere down the line in my life I lost the ability to dream. I made plans and schedules- actually to the point I was compulsive about it. But I never thought about what I really wanted to do, what I wanted to accomplish. I guess in a sense I was scared. I'm a realist (in every sense of the word) and I'm not the type of person that sees the world through rose colored glasses. This isn't to say that I always see the glass as "half empty" (though I have been guilty of that on some occasions as well). But every time people would use the phrases "Dream big." or "Shoot for the stars", I would just smile and shake my head. Sure, that type of thing might be for other people, but not for me.
But why not? Why don't I have the right to dream just like other people? Why do I bind myself to what I think I can "realistically" accomplish. Who decided what is realistic for me anyways? I did, and basing it on the way I see myself, that's not exactly an accurate gauge.
A quote that's been really going through my head recently is "If the possibility of failure was removed, what would you attempt to achieve?" Because that is at the core of what has discouraged me from attempting something "big" - fear of failure. With my perfectionist tendencies I want to be the best, and if I can't be the best then I might as well not try at all. But without failing sometimes, how can we succeed? Without making mistakes how can we learn what does work? And I realized something. I can go through life "playing it safe", doing what I know I can do. Or I can expand my horizons and do something that I want, that I REALLY want, even if it seems unlikely at this point. I need to have something to motivate and push me in life - not just because of my recovery from this ED. I need it so I have a reason, a passion, a driving force. People that meet me say I'm a passionate person, and when I want something I get it done. For some time this hasn't been true, because I've had nothing to drive me. But I do now. I'm dreaming big and shooting for the stars. And we just have to wait and see what happens.