Sunday, October 17, 2010

I know!

Do you ever have the feeling that you just intuitively “know” something? Obviously this doesn't count if we're talking about obvious facts here. Usually I get this feeling in regards to people and their moods and feelings, situations or important things that are about to happen in the future. Call it intuition, call it a hunch, call it being a sensitive person – whatever you want to call it, it happens to me. For instance, I will see two people who met only minutes before and I just see them together. There's no reason, no noticeable “chemistry” between them, it's something I just know. Sure enough a few months later they're dating. Or a friend is acting odd, not in a bad way, just not like their usual selves. I usually “know” the reason why. And along with knowing comes this feeling of certainty. There's no logical explanation for anything, it's something that just happens to me.The sad thing is I rarely get these “intuitive hints” in regards to myself.

But finally it's happened to me. For the longest time I've felt lost in a sense. I felt like my life had no direction, no purpose, no clear goal. And it translated into my ED. In the back of my mind I expected to die from medical consequences related to my eating disorder. I stopped making plans and dreams because what was the point? Then after spending some time in IP, I slowly started trying to plan my life again. But I just couldn't find anything worth living, worth fighting for. Yes I had friends and family who loved me, but I just didn't feel any driving, motivating force behind staying in recovery. I slipped back, and then I got scarred. I realized I wanted my life to be more then just my eating disorder. I didn't know what was in my future yet, but I decided that I wanted to find out. So I reached out for help, and it's the best decision I could have made. Although I still have been battling with finding a reason for my life, or rather, a direction and a goal, up until just recently. But now I have found it.

I want to be a registered dietitian. Then , after a few years of experience, I want to work with people recovering from ED's. I want to be able to help them because I can relate in the way that few other people can. There's just something different about having “book knowledge” of ED's and actually having lived through and recovered from one and being able to draw from personal experience. In addition to that I want to be able to offer my services pro-bono for those who can't afford it, or who's insurances don't include this type of thing. This is something I KNOW I am supposed to do. The feeling is so strong, so unshakable, it can't be wrong. And finally I have a definite reason that keeps me going.

This is a big, bold dream, but I want to throw myself into achieving it. There is some paper work being processed that will enable me to pursue further education, and I can't do anything to influence that. But I know that I need to make some money so I can pay for my studies. I also want to read up as much as I can so I have at least of a bit of a working knowledge as to my subject . And most importantly I need to kick this sicknesses ass so I can do all this without any delays or complications. The last point is one of the hardest but it is doable none the less. Everything is possible if you try hard enough. I firmly believe that. Now all I have to do is remind myself of my goals day in and day out. There's no excuse for a “bad day”. I want every day to be a step towards full health and the realization of my dream.

Do you have a dream or vision for your life that keeps you motivated?

The difference between the impossible and the possible lies in a person's determination

Tough times never last, but tough people do.

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