Saturday, October 23, 2010

Personal accountability.

It's time to face the facts.

I've been afraid of really jumping into recovery with both feet. I've been slowly, cautiously putting one foot down, then the other. I've been making two steps forward, one back; and doing this lovely little dance with my ED. I haven't in ANY way been toying with the thought of going back to my old ways, but now I've developed "new ways" that I find it very hard to stray from.

I'm not sure if I've said this but I've stopped counting calories. While this is definitely a big step for me to have taken, I didn't have anyone monitoring my intake. Recently someone suggested switching up the foods I eat a bit and I FREAKED out. I got angry, defensive. "What's wrong with the way I eat!" I said passionately "I eat HEALTHY foods." "Yes, but those aren't the foods that are going to help you gain weight". "Of course they are" I thought to myself "This is way more then I was eating before." True, it is way more. But when I sat down to count up the calories I came to this surprising realization. Regardless of how much food I thought I was eating, I was only really eating 1600-1800 cal. A number like that is maintenance only for my body. And I realized the only one responsible for my eating was me. The only one responsible for my recovery was me. Why do I cheat myself by thinking that this is ok, that I can stay at this place forever. Sure, I eat much more diverse foods then I did before, but that doesn't make me normal. I still have "safe" and "unsafe" foods, I will not eat certain foods because of their fat content. So who am I kidding here? Myself.

Do I want to recover? YES I DO!!! Do I want to recover even though it means weight gain? YES I DO!! So why don't I just get on with it already. Why don't I help myself? What am I waiting for. It's sad that people have to be talking about a hospital to help me gain weight when I haven't done everything I possibly can. I think it's about high time to start.

Yesterday I ate about 2000 calories, today it will be 2100. I will try to increase that number till I reach 2400. I've eaten yellow cheese today(major fear food) and tomorrow it will be gnnocchi (bigger fear food). And it's not going to stop there. I will keep challenging myself to more and bigger things, because that's the only way for me to win.

Ana you are a sly little bitch. Yes you've left me alone for the time being, but you threaten me with what will happen if I ever leave this place I am in now. You tell me about the horrible panic attacks, the sleepless nights, the overwhelming pain and nausea. But you are a LIAR. You always have been. You threats are all in my mind. As far as the physical pain I am going through and will be for some time - everything worth something costs something. So from now on I will defy you at every opportunity. I will not stick to the bounds you set for me. I will do what I want to do, and what is good for my body. So FUCK OFF.

It's my life. It's my body. It's time for ME to take control.


  1. I love this, L! You have made such a huge step forward in just realising that you aren't/weren't eating enough. I promise you that you will find that when you reach a much healthier weight, you'll wonder what the hell you were so frightened of. Honestly, I feel so much more confident and more beautiful than I ever did when I was thin and frail.

    That last paragraph is awesome!! You tell that bitch who's boss ;)



  2. Thanks for reading and commenting on my blog, it means a lot to me! I'm really glad that you did too, because it allowed me to see yours and I'm thankful I did.

    Stopping calorie counting is a huge step - I went through it myself (along with the cessation of writing down and weighing all of my food intake) and it's such a huge load off of your mind. You really feel like you have more time and energy to devote to other things that are more important - your body will regulate what you eat if you learn to listen to it!

    I also love how you're putting your foot down and driving straight into your fear foods, that takes a lot of strength to do. I hate when the suggested form of "treatment" is to get someone to go out to a fast food restaurant and eat. Sure, it's still an accomplishment, but what does getting someone with and ED to eat at fast food get done other than getting them to eat crap food? Your approach , in my opinion, is much better; take foods that you know you enjoy (healthy or not) and learn to work them back into your diet. If I were to have to do some sort of "food introduction therapy" it would be to eat things like higher saturated fat foods (cookies, cakes, pie, homemade and not processed mind you) or non-whole grain foods (a delicious piece of sourdough bread, or some white rice in sushi).

    Keep going strong I think you're on the right path and I'm going to definitely keep reading as I can relate to a lot of what you're going through. :)