It's time to face the facts.
I've been afraid of really jumping into recovery with both feet. I've been slowly, cautiously putting one foot down, then the other. I've been making two steps forward, one back; and doing this lovely little dance with my ED. I haven't in ANY way been toying with the thought of going back to my old ways, but now I've developed "new ways" that I find it very hard to stray from.
I'm not sure if I've said this but I've stopped counting calories. While this is definitely a big step for me to have taken, I didn't have anyone monitoring my intake. Recently someone suggested switching up the foods I eat a bit and I FREAKED out. I got angry, defensive. "What's wrong with the way I eat!" I said passionately "I eat HEALTHY foods." "Yes, but those aren't the foods that are going to help you gain weight". "Of course they are" I thought to myself "This is way more then I was eating before." True, it is way more. But when I sat down to count up the calories I came to this surprising realization. Regardless of how much food I thought I was eating, I was only really eating 1600-1800 cal. A number like that is maintenance only for my body. And I realized the only one responsible for my eating was me. The only one responsible for my recovery was me. Why do I cheat myself by thinking that this is ok, that I can stay at this place forever. Sure, I eat much more diverse foods then I did before, but that doesn't make me normal. I still have "safe" and "unsafe" foods, I will not eat certain foods because of their fat content. So who am I kidding here? Myself.
Do I want to recover? YES I DO!!! Do I want to recover even though it means weight gain? YES I DO!! So why don't I just get on with it already. Why don't I help myself? What am I waiting for. It's sad that people have to be talking about a hospital to help me gain weight when I haven't done everything I possibly can. I think it's about high time to start.
Yesterday I ate about 2000 calories, today it will be 2100. I will try to increase that number till I reach 2400. I've eaten yellow cheese today(major fear food) and tomorrow it will be gnnocchi (bigger fear food). And it's not going to stop there. I will keep challenging myself to more and bigger things, because that's the only way for me to win.
Ana you are a sly little bitch. Yes you've left me alone for the time being, but you threaten me with what will happen if I ever leave this place I am in now. You tell me about the horrible panic attacks, the sleepless nights, the overwhelming pain and nausea. But you are a LIAR. You always have been. You threats are all in my mind. As far as the physical pain I am going through and will be for some time - everything worth something costs something. So from now on I will defy you at every opportunity. I will not stick to the bounds you set for me. I will do what I want to do, and what is good for my body. So FUCK OFF.
It's my life. It's my body. It's time for ME to take control.