Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Struggling to find balance.

I'm annoyed.

I'm annoyed at my eating disorder taking something as basic as eating and making it complicated.

I'm annoyed at myself for not being able to achieve the balance I so desperately seek.

I'm annoyed at my life for being at a standstill at the moment, and me being powerless to change that at the moment.

I'm annoyed at my body for the way it reacts to food.

I'm annoyed at the weather for being -15 C.

I'm annoyed because I can't seem to focus these days, and thoughts of food seem almost ever present.


Here's the good news:

I'm becoming freer with my food. I'm experimenting more and measuring everything less :)

I'm going above and beyond the call of duty when it comes to my healthy fat intake and I'm including more then I absolutely HAVE to. I have also discovered a new love for almonds, which makes this much easier.

I've allowed myself a fear food today and enjoyed it quite a bit.

I'm defying me ED quite a bit, which is why I'm feeling somewhat shaky at the moment.

I don't have a whole lot to say, except that I'm having a hard time dealing with my increased appetite. In a way it's good to be hungry, but being ALWAYS hungry and trying to figure out what to eat to satiate you gets on my nerves. I seem to end up majorly bloated and stuffed at the end of the day, yet still craving more food. What is going on here?

You'd think extra fats would satiated me, but I'm not finding that true at the moment. It's taking all my strength just to listen to my body, and not try to restrict so I feel more comfortable with my intake.

On a plus side I have been eating lots of yummy foods recently and discovering new favorites. Such as banana/cocoa oat bran - amazingly good.

And figs cooked into oatmeal - so incredibly sweet.

I'm also enjoying experimenting with new recipes, with good results:

Penne pasta tossed with spinach sauted in garlic and olive oil with chicken

And chickpea burgers sandwiches with baby spinach and a tzaziki sauce dressing.

So I guess things are still going pretty well for me. I'm just struggling to find balance, and that can be the hardest thing of all. I feel like my backs against the wall and every way out seems to end back at the beginning. I'm having such a hard time trusting my body and giving it what it needs. But I will give it time, and hopefully it will change.

In the meantime:


  1. Those figs look amazing!!
    I'm sure you've heard it before, but I just want to say - Try not to be too 'put off' when you still want more food at the end of the day. As your eating (? is that the right word?) your body craves all the sort of things that you've been too scared to eat - a in quantities bigger than you want to eat (or ED wants to you eat). On average, people seem to say it takes about 2 months before their appetite settles down (although absolutely everyone is different). Personally, it took me a lot longer, and it's a struggle to get through. Really tough - but it's definately worth it. You have hope - and when your appetite settles down and the cravings fade away, it can still be hard not to fall back into ED behaviour, but it becomes that much easier.
    I hope all tha made sense - I'm not rambling too much, am I? You've probably heard it all before, anyway.
    Good Luck.

  2. At the end of the day, after a huge bowl of granola, yogurt and frozen fruit, I sometimes still wake up in the middle of the night with stomach pains from hunger. Everyone is different and there's no need to worry that you're still hungry. I'm so happy for you that you're pulling though, eating more, measuring less and conquering fear foods!

    I remember when I stopped weighing everything on the food scale, it was a huge stress off of my shoulders (and my family's who had to deal with me weighing veggies at every meal). It looks like the stuff that you are eating is quite good, tasty, nutrtitious and satiating, so just keep focusing on the positives!!

  3. I'm so proud of you for how hard you're working, L. I know that this recovery process is far from easy, but you're really giving it your all, and that is something to be very proud of! The grueling work and annoyances will pay off when you are free of the eating disorder for good. I too struggle with finding balance and trusting my body- it is definitely scary to feel hunger and be listening to bodily cues after depriving the body for so long. I feel like the only way out of this though is to listen to our bodies, because they know what they want- fuel! Keep staying strong! Try to remind yourself of all the joy that being free of the eating disorder will bring in your life- I know that for me, that thought helps me stay motivated and on track. <3

  4. L., I think you are doing very well and working so hard at this. We all know that it is not easy, and that positive attitude of yours is really what will allow you to beat this in the end. Adding back more fats is a really important step, and the fact that you eat more than the minimum is wonderful - not to mention healthy.

    For me, my hunger is FINALLY decreasing; it's been about month. I am gaining weight pretty quickly though, so I think my body is starting to realize that I am no longer starving. Maybe you are so hungry because it's your bodys direct message that it wants to weigh more. I'm very certain that when you gain a few pounds, you appetite will go back to normal because you body will be at a happy weight. Just give it food and time. It will all work out in the end!

    Have a good weekend. :-)

  5. Yum! The pasta looks good :) One of my fave foods for sure
    Also a fear food, though! Just like peanut butter & almonds. Both of which I love but have been avoiding due to calories & fat :/
    It's great that you are enjoying your food rather than stressing over it! The balance IS hard, but once you get it it will come much easier. You are doing wonderful :) Keep it up!
    <3 Haley