I'm annoyed at my eating disorder taking something as basic as eating and making it complicated.
I'm annoyed at myself for not being able to achieve the balance I so desperately seek.
I'm annoyed at my life for being at a standstill at the moment, and me being powerless to change that at the moment.
I'm annoyed at my body for the way it reacts to food.
I'm annoyed at the weather for being -15 C.
I'm annoyed because I can't seem to focus these days, and thoughts of food seem almost ever present.
Here's the good news:
I'm becoming freer with my food. I'm experimenting more and measuring everything less :)
I'm going above and beyond the call of duty when it comes to my healthy fat intake and I'm including more then I absolutely HAVE to. I have also discovered a new love for almonds, which makes this much easier.
I've allowed myself a fear food today and enjoyed it quite a bit.
I'm defying me ED quite a bit, which is why I'm feeling somewhat shaky at the moment.
I don't have a whole lot to say, except that I'm having a hard time dealing with my increased appetite. In a way it's good to be hungry, but being ALWAYS hungry and trying to figure out what to eat to satiate you gets on my nerves. I seem to end up majorly bloated and stuffed at the end of the day, yet still craving more food. What is going on here?
You'd think extra fats would satiated me, but I'm not finding that true at the moment. It's taking all my strength just to listen to my body, and not try to restrict so I feel more comfortable with my intake.
On a plus side I have been eating lots of yummy foods recently and discovering new favorites. Such as banana/cocoa oat bran - amazingly good.
And figs cooked into oatmeal - so incredibly sweet.
I'm also enjoying experimenting with new recipes, with good results:
Penne pasta tossed with spinach sauted in garlic and olive oil with chicken
And chickpea burgers sandwiches with baby spinach and a tzaziki sauce dressing.
So I guess things are still going pretty well for me. I'm just struggling to find balance, and that can be the hardest thing of all. I feel like my backs against the wall and every way out seems to end back at the beginning. I'm having such a hard time trusting my body and giving it what it needs. But I will give it time, and hopefully it will change.
In the meantime: