Friday, February 11, 2011

Getting back on my feet.

The past few days I've been knocked for a loop. This week in general has been a hard one for me. Throw in being sick with the flu/fever and you've got yourself a person lying in bed all day feeling utterly knocked down and defeated. When I spend too much time inactive my depression kicks in, and that's when I really get floored. There were a few times in the last few days I broke down and started crying (when the other people in the room turned their back) or sat in front of a plate of food wanting with all that is within me to walk away.

But guess what ED - you haven't won yet. I'm back on my feet and ready for another fight.

Thank you for your helpful comments. When I'm feeling a little better I will sit down with my parents and explain to them my feelings , goals and vision for the future. I'm trying my best to believe that they are simply trying to do what's best for me, although they will probably never realize how much some of their comments hurt me. They are humans and humans make mistakes. I'm sure I've hurt them much worse it times past, so it's time to forgive and move on.

In a way I think I should be grateful for the fact that they brought up some issues I still need to work on - weight gain and normalizing my eating habits. I've fallen into a few food ruts and although these aren't detrimental per-se; it's good to hear someone else's perspective on these things. And I am willing to do my part to change. It is scary, it is intimidating, but it's the only way to embrace the fullness of life ahead of me. So I'm going to go for it.

The first thing I decided I needed to do in terms of weight gain is up my calorie intake. I won't be counting calories (I have been in times past to ensure I was getting the minimum amount needed to maintain) but I will be adding more healthy fats into my diet. That includes nuts. nut butters, avocados and olive oils.

To be honest this is something that terrifies me a little, because although I have made progress in this area I still am somewhat uneasy about eating nuts and nut butters. Well in order to break to keep myself from going back on my commitment I've decided to make it more specific. My goal is to eat either:
- one serving of nuts a day
- one tablespoon of nut butter a day
- 1/4-1/2 an avocado a day

Most of you are probably things "tsh, what is she making a big deal about". And I know all the health bloggers include a significant amount of nut butters in their daily menu. But we're all different, we all have our fears and this just happens to be mine. I am going to overcome it though, even if it means taking baby steps at first. I am stronger then I think.

100% nut butters are crazy expensive here, because they are all imported from the States or the UK. But when life gives you lemons (or in my case coconut) make.....

Coconut butter :)

Using this little fellow here (the hand blender):

And some unsweatened shredded coconut I was able to create:

Coconut butter.

I think I should mention that of all nuts/nut butters I was always the most aprehensive about coconut. But it was the only thing my poor blender could process, so coconut butter it was. I was afraid that as a start straight up coconut butter would be too much for me, and since I only made a little bit anyways (this was an experiment) I decided to copy this lady's coconut butter idea. And it is SO GOOD. Right now my stomach is a bit upset (fever, flu and all that's going on) so I only had a few tastes of it. But I honestly can't wait to eat it tomorrow :). I can't remember the last time I looked forward to something so much .

So you can be expecting some new and exiting coconut butter creations in the days to come. My only question is, should I be keeping it in the fridge?


  1. Go you, L! It is amazing that you are getting back up and continuing to fight. I'm glad you think you'll talk with your parents. When things go unstead, they eat at you until you let 'em out.

    Nut butter was never a fear food of mine, but every other fat was. The NB's were ok because there was some protein and fiber to balance out the fat. But, since that's a challenge for you, it is wonderful that you just made these steps toward progress. You ARE stronger than you give yourself credit for. I think the fat intake goals you've set for yourself are very good to start with. I have had coconut butter before, but I bought mine ($8 for an 8 ounce jar. Are they crazy?) and I like it too. For me as well, coconut was the one I was least comfortable with. Seriously, congratulations for doing this for yourself!!!

    On the jar I have, it says "no refrigeration necessary." I have read that it doesn't spoil very quickly. Also, it will solidify, and you'll have to melt it in the microwave or something to make it spreadable, so chilling it would make melting it take longer. :-)

  2. I think its great that you have specific goals! I have a sort of love/hate relationship with nuts and avocados so I can relate. It's a BIG step to add more of them to your diet, so you should be proud of yourself. I agree with Bryana, you ARE strong. :)

    The best thing about making your own nut butters is that you can add any flavors and variations that you want. Have fun!

  3. Sorry I haven't left a comment in a while, I've been really busy, but we need to stick together when it comes to times when we're down!

    I think it's good that you're feeling strong and wanting to incorporate more fats into your diet - I've been doing the same thing and I've become much more generous when it comes to putting nuts and avocado on my food. I'm still sketchy on coconut because of the extreme amounts of saturated fat (and because coconut butter is like...$12 per jar...) but I might make up a small bit of coconut butter and give it a try the next time I'm home.

    Have a great weekend! ^_^

  4. Hope you feel better soon!

    I'm glad your not going to let ED win. You are really showing a lot of strength and courage here. Fighting is the harder road to take. We're all here for you, you can do this!

    I'm allergic to all nuts, but we have two really cool nut-alternatives over here: sunflower seed butter and soy butter. Both are pretty tasty. That's really cool how you made your own coconut butter! Enjoy!