Let's start at the beginning:
My family has always been involved in some way during my recovery. Some times it's been for the better, others it's been for the worse. At the very beginning stages when I wasn't sure I wanted to recover, they pushed me to do what was best for me. They monitored my food intake and weight, and set me up with medical help as soon as possible. Then the situation got tense. Sometimes having your family TOO closely in your recovery can be detrimental. They don't have any experience in treating eating disorders, only what they're read from on-line articles or heard from others. All they want is their little girl (or boy) to become the same person they once were. In my case this resulted in a lot of mental stress, tears and not a little misunderstandings. Finally they decided it was better to back off, hooked me up with a psychologist (who had no experience in treating eating disorders) and hoped for the best. This was the time I made the most progress - I gained weight, stopped counting calories and obsessing over meals and meal times. Suffice it to say I was doing better then I had in a long time.
Today we sat down and had a very emotionally loaded discussion. They are still unhappy with my progress, primarily because I'm not fully weight restored yet. I am no longer a minor, yet they still treat me as if I was a naive adolescent. A lot of things were implied in that conversation : that I didn't WANT recovery enough, that I wasn't pushing myself hard enough, that my unwillingness to seek professional help was caused by a fear of recovery and most of all that they would not support me or offer me any help if I didn't recover "their way".
I won't lie and say that didn't hurt. It hurt because I want recovery more then anything else, that I have made steps in the right direction that go far beyond just weight gain. And I HAVE gained weight as well, just not quite as much as I should yet. I feel shaken and disoriented, because the support system I thought I had just came crumbling down. There are so many things they can't understand about my illness, so many steps of progress that they ignore. And it's just hard to be judged in that way.
Although I do have a confession to make. I have NOT been making much progress in my weight gain over the last 2 months. I kind of stopped caring about it and figured since I wasn't exercising and was eating "normally" it would just happen. Apparently it isn't happening, although I haven't weighed in for almost 2 months. Not knowing that number gives me a feeling of freedom. I eat what I want to and simply don't give a damn. But I've come to face the fact that I probably need a safeguard to keep me from (even accidentally) slipping back. So that's definitely something I will be working on.
But today will be rough. I feel weak (emotionally and physically as per my recent sickness), tired and overwhelmed. For the first time in a long time I feel completely alone with my demons, and they are growing larger by the moment. My appetite is absolutely non-existent and depression is slowly settling over me like a dark cloud. I will go out for a long walk later, because that's something that usually helps clear my head. I just hope I am strong enough to face this alone.
And it doesn't matter if no one believes me, because I know I want to recover. And I will keep taking steps in the right direction, even if I receive no outside support.