Today someone did something that really hurt me.
As I mentioned in a previous post I was planning on going abroad to visit some friends for New Years. I was REALLY looking forward to this. Usually I try not to anticipate things too much, because I don't like being disappointed. But I really felt like this trip would do me a world of good, because I needed a break. I needed a change of scenery. I wanted to be around my friends, to laugh and have a good time, to forget the problems that await me at home and just enjoy life.
Well, those dreams were somewhat shattered today because I was talking to one of my friends and they told me that they had been discussing my arrival amongst themselves and “they were fine with it, but they don't want someone around who doesn't eat. So...”
Ouch! After hearing that I was stunned. It was a blow below the belt to say the least. For the first few seconds I was stunned and completely caught off guard. Then I realize the implications being made in that comment:
- ED was nothing more then a “stupid diet” I should just get over with
- despite all the progress I had made I still wasn't eating because a) I don't participate in late night eating/drinking binges, b) I still have a hard time with some foods, c) I don't eat fast foods or loads of sweets
- I was not important as a person, because they would be willing to be supportive at least for a short while if I mattered enough to them
It hit me so hard I actually started to cry. I'm just so tired of having to fight with my old mindsets and then have to deal with people's misconceptions of me. I guess I've just taken for granted that everyone is as supportive and understanding as my family and most of my friends. It was shocking reminder that the people that I consider “friends ” can be so ignorant and inconsiderate. But that's life.
I decided to be honest about my limitations. I wrote them an email telling them what I did and didn't feel comfortable with and left the decision as to weather they wanted me there or not up to them. Whatever their reply is at this point I am okay with it. Although in the beginning I was very disappointed now I have accepted the situation as it is. I will find a way to enjoy the New Year where I am. It's better to be in a surrounding where you feel understood and accepted then in a place where you are constantly criticized and judged.
This afternoon I was SO tempted to restrict. I felt unloved, unwanted and like a failure. I wanted some way to numb emotions welling up inside me. But I realized that denying myself food was not a mature way of coping. What kept running through my head was something someone once told me “People only make you feel as inferior as you let them”. Just because these people don't see how far I've come, and doesn't understand the progress I've made doesn't mean I have to take it out on myself. There are going to be plenty of people in life that are going to knock me down and try to make me feel inferior. But it's up to me as to whether I allow them to affect me or not. And I am NOT going let these people knock me down. I am going to prove them wrong.