Saturday, December 4, 2010

Early Christmas present.

December is a wonderful time of year. Despite the snow, the cold and the throngs of Christmas shoppers a lot of great things happen - my birthday, Christmas, New Years. There's a lot going on and a lot of fun to be had.

This year I decided to treat myself to an early Christmas/birthday present. I decided that each day I would take the time to allow myself to do something I generally enjoy and savor the experience to the full. This will be "me" time, something I do EVERY day without fail and no matter what is happening around me.

If you're reading this you might be under the impression that I don't ever have any free time. This isn't true. I don't have A LOT of free time, but that's fine with me because I don't like sitting around, twiddling my thumbs and counting the seconds till the next hour.
What I am lacking in however, is undisturbed free time and permission to enjoy that time. Whenever I do something that is just for "me", that isn't work or helpful to someone else in some way, I feel guilty. I immediately start looking around for something "productive" to do.

But guess what, it's ok to be nice to yourself! It's ok to spoil yourself once in a while. You need to realize that you are important - more important then the work that you do, more important then the things you are able to accomplish with your time. For so long I struggled with the feeling that I was only appreciated and liked because of my work ethic. I would push myself so hard in a mad attempt to "earn" others friendship and love. However I'm slowly realizing that people like me who I am, and not what I do.

It's also fairly common for me to take care of others to the neglect of myself and my own needs. I purposely give up on my plans, programs, desires and needs in favor of others. While this in itself can be considered a noble and unselfish gesture, in my case it's not always so positive. I feel "unworthy" of standing up for myself and my needs. I feel like I don't "deserve" some of the things that other people do. I've come to realize this reasoning is WRONG. I am just as important as other people. And if there is something that I need, I shouldn't be afraid to let that be known.

So that's why I'm giving myself this "Christmas present" . It's so I can learn to treat myself well. It's so I can put that ugly voice in my head that tells me I am unworthy, insignificant and undeserving in it's place. I know this is the same voice that used to tell me I'm unworthy of food and rest, that I needed to push myself to the limit and beyond. And last I checked I wasn't listening to that voice any more.

This isn't to say I will become a totally self-obsessed person and refuse to give up my plans in order to help someone else. I will still do this as often as I am able. But when I am honestly not able, I will speak up and say something. This will take practice, as I am used to keeping my feelings inside. But if I want to move forward and make progress I need to accept this present to me.

So Merry Christmas L. Enjoy your present today!


  1. I went over this same scenario with my parents over Thanksgiving break. I feel so guilty asking for gifts when they're not really things I "need" but more things I might "want" and I don't feel like I deserve them. We had a good talk and I feel a bit better about it, but I really like your approach to it and I think it's a great idea!

    I hope you enjoy your gift(s). :)

  2. This is such a great thing that you are doing for yourself. Not only does it give you time to focus on yourself and YOUR needs but for the first time in a very long time you are putting YOURSELF first. That is NOT selfish in any way. Besides, how are you able to look after others if you are unable to look after yourself?

    Great post :) xxx

  3. I too find myself always wanting to stay productive and not taking time for myself. I love too cook but rarely cooks something just because I want to. We need more of this or are out of that..But this Christmas I intend on making some things I normally wouldn't but have wanted to try.

    You have an excellent Christmas/birthday present and I hope you enjoy it! You are worth every second you spend taking care of yourself and even more! <3

    Have a wonderful rest of the weekend!

  4. Wow, thank you for a beautiful post. You are so right, and I'm so happy that you've made this commitment to yourself. Enjoy it! You deserve it.

    This is an area where I need to improve in my own recovery. I love to put my needs aside, but I think that it gets to a point where it's the ED talking, telling us that we don't need or deserve to focus on our own needs.

    Wishing you the best! Stay strong. <3