Saturday, December 4, 2010
Early Christmas present.
December is a wonderful time of year. Despite the snow, the cold and the throngs of Christmas shoppers a lot of great things happen - my birthday, Christmas, New Years. There's a lot going on and a lot of fun to be had.
This year I decided to treat myself to an early Christmas/birthday present. I decided that each day I would take the time to allow myself to do something I generally enjoy and savor the experience to the full. This will be "me" time, something I do EVERY day without fail and no matter what is happening around me.
If you're reading this you might be under the impression that I don't ever have any free time. This isn't true. I don't have A LOT of free time, but that's fine with me because I don't like sitting around, twiddling my thumbs and counting the seconds till the next hour.
What I am lacking in however, is undisturbed free time and permission to enjoy that time. Whenever I do something that is just for "me", that isn't work or helpful to someone else in some way, I feel guilty. I immediately start looking around for something "productive" to do.
But guess what, it's ok to be nice to yourself! It's ok to spoil yourself once in a while. You need to realize that you are important - more important then the work that you do, more important then the things you are able to accomplish with your time. For so long I struggled with the feeling that I was only appreciated and liked because of my work ethic. I would push myself so hard in a mad attempt to "earn" others friendship and love. However I'm slowly realizing that people like me who I am, and not what I do.
It's also fairly common for me to take care of others to the neglect of myself and my own needs. I purposely give up on my plans, programs, desires and needs in favor of others. While this in itself can be considered a noble and unselfish gesture, in my case it's not always so positive. I feel "unworthy" of standing up for myself and my needs. I feel like I don't "deserve" some of the things that other people do. I've come to realize this reasoning is WRONG. I am just as important as other people. And if there is something that I need, I shouldn't be afraid to let that be known.
So that's why I'm giving myself this "Christmas present" . It's so I can learn to treat myself well. It's so I can put that ugly voice in my head that tells me I am unworthy, insignificant and undeserving in it's place. I know this is the same voice that used to tell me I'm unworthy of food and rest, that I needed to push myself to the limit and beyond. And last I checked I wasn't listening to that voice any more.
This isn't to say I will become a totally self-obsessed person and refuse to give up my plans in order to help someone else. I will still do this as often as I am able. But when I am honestly not able, I will speak up and say something. This will take practice, as I am used to keeping my feelings inside. But if I want to move forward and make progress I need to accept this present to me.
So Merry Christmas L. Enjoy your present today!