I'm six feet from the edge
And I'm thinkin
Maybe six feet ain't so far down
That chorus keeps running through my head. Possibly because those words ring strangely true right now. I feel like I'm slipping, falling. I see myself on the edge a cliff. All I see beneath me is blackness. The dark precipice beneath me terrifies me, so I scrape my nails against the rocks; praying, hoping, grasping, clawing, desperately trying to hold on. My facade hasn't crumbled yet, on the outside everything seems fine. I'm eating normally, I'm not over-exercising. Yet the mental battles are getting stronger then ever. Almost every meal brings a barrage of negative voices that refuse to leave no matter how much I try to block them out.
There are small visible signs too. I see them because I am looking for them, but the average person would never notice. I exercised yesterday, but not because I wanted to feel energized and happy. It was for another reason, a wrong reason. I was motivated by the negative image I saw in the mirror. I pushed myself because I felt I needed to. As far as the eating goes the changes are minimal - a little less of this or that. But after every meal I find myself feeling I ate too much, that I should have had less. And sometimes I wonder...... maybe six feet isn't so far down.
I know it is. I know I don't want to go back there. But I'm so tired of struggling. I'm tired of fighting so damn hard. I just want to let go of this facade of normalcy so people know I need help. But I can't because letting go would mean giving up. Letting go means she wins and I've determined to never let her win.
I just need something. I need a reason to keep fighting NOW. The future goals and benefits do have merit, but I need something to keep me going right now, this minute. I need someone to hold me, someone I can lean on...
Maybe this is a test like any other. Maybe it's because I have passed the previous ones, so it's time to move on. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger and I WILL NOT let this kill me.
And so I thank whoever rules our lives and plans our destinies for giving me this opportunity to become even stronger. Even as I struggle to hold back the tears I know someday I will be able to look back and smile. I will be genuinely grateful that I was allowed to go though all this, because it has made me into who I am. And who knows, maybe I'll be able to help others along the way.