Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Hold me now.

Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge
And I'm thinkin
Maybe six feet ain't so far down

That chorus keeps running through my head. Possibly because those words ring strangely true right now. I feel like I'm slipping, falling. I see myself on the edge a cliff. All I see beneath me is blackness. The dark precipice beneath me terrifies me, so I scrape my nails against the rocks; praying, hoping, grasping, clawing, desperately trying to hold on. My facade hasn't crumbled yet, on the outside everything seems fine. I'm eating normally, I'm not over-exercising. Yet the mental battles are getting stronger then ever. Almost every meal brings a barrage of negative voices that refuse to leave no matter how much I try to block them out.
There are small visible signs too. I see them because I am looking for them, but the average person would never notice. I exercised yesterday, but not because I wanted to feel energized and happy. It was for another reason, a wrong reason. I was motivated by the negative image I saw in the mirror. I pushed myself because I felt I needed to. As far as the eating goes the changes are minimal - a little less of this or that. But after every meal I find myself feeling I ate too much, that I should have had less. And sometimes I wonder...... maybe six feet isn't so far down.

I know it is. I know I don't want to go back there. But I'm so tired of struggling. I'm tired of fighting so damn hard. I just want to let go of this facade of normalcy so people know I need help. But I can't because letting go would mean giving up. Letting go means she wins and I've determined to never let her win.

I just need something. I need a reason to keep fighting NOW. The future goals and benefits do have merit, but I need something to keep me going right now, this minute. I need someone to hold me, someone I can lean on...

Maybe this is a test like any other. Maybe it's because I have passed the previous ones, so it's time to move on. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger and I WILL NOT let this kill me.

And so I thank whoever rules our lives and plans our destinies for giving me this opportunity to become even stronger. Even as I struggle to hold back the tears I know someday I will be able to look back and smile. I will be genuinely grateful that I was allowed to go though all this, because it has made me into who I am. And who knows, maybe I'll be able to help others along the way.


  1. FIGHT FIGHT!! I wish I could help you do this but you have to win against this. I'm here if you need me. I'll listen and try to encourage you but I think you are strong and won't let this knock you down.

    You are NOT going to slip, you can rise above your ED and be recovered. This is not fun, I know, but recovery isn't supposed to be all fun, but it's worth it to be free. You are worth this fight, we all are. Keep fighting, you have what this takes!

    Do you have a number for your therapist? If so, I would encourage you to call her. This is what she's here for. When I'm struggling I often put off calling my support team b/c I don't want to "bother" them...But that's just ED not wanting me to be a victorious overcome. Some of my greatest victories come when my therapists give me a new tool or remind me of an old one to push through!

    You can win! Stay strong, keep pushing!



  2. Oh L, I wish I was right there to give you a big hug right now.

    Lily is right. You can and will beat this, but it has to be you. Don't give up. You have to keep fighting...there is no other alternative. You have to keep pushing and fighting. You are strong enough, but you have to believe it. Believe that you are worth it. Believe that recovery is worth it.

    Hang in there. And you're right - all of this makes us stronger. Try to do something for yourself today.

    Keep fighting! Stay strong! You're in my thoughts and prayers!


  3. I am with you!!! I'm keeping the fire on for you!!

  4. I am sorry that you are struggling right now, L. *HUG* I can relate to the feeling of just being so exhausted with fighting the ED... But the only way out of this battle is through it. You have to fight for awhile to be able to get to the other side of this, which is happiness and freedom from this awful illness. I know it hurts, but you can do it!!! Your blog has been such an inspiration to me when I'm struggling. You have the strength and determination to overcome ED, even if it's hard to see at times.

    "I just want to let go of this facade of normalcy so people know I need help. But I can't because letting go would mean giving up. Letting go means she wins and I've determined to never let her win."

    Is there a way you can let people know you need help without giving up on recovery? I feel like there is a difference between being honest with people about your struggles and giving up on recovery. In fact, I think it is a lot easier to relapse if you feel alone in your struggle and don't feel like you can be honest with people who love you about how you're doing. Is there a friend or family member who you can go to for support and/or a hug? I may remember reading that you aren't in treatment at the moment, but if you are, I'd suggest calling your therapist for extra support.

    Keep fighting!!! YOU CAN DO THIS. Use your resources... You shouldn't have to go through this alone. <3