The day was generally good, the evening has been worse. I'm feeling triggered, sad, depressed. I didn't even eat all that much, but I'm feeling guilty over a cup of juice. JUICE!!! I thought I was past this point. But I realize something - my "guilt" is triggered by something other then food. Right now I feel like my life is pointless, unimportant and going no where. More terrifyingly I feel strangely distant; like I'm watching someone else going through the motions of life. I want to be alone, I want to sleep and not wake up till all my problems are gone. I'm distancing myself from people. Not physically as much as mentally. I just sat for over half an hour in a room full of loud, laughing, ALIVE people, and that just made me feel more lonely and numb.
There is something to be learned from this though. I am now able to analyze my feelings and figure out what is triggering me. I also am thinking logically enough to figure out that purging or exercising will not make me feel any better. This goes deeper then just eating and food. Something in my life has to change and it will. Today I don't feel strong enough, but tomorrow I will.
I WILL be strong, I will fight.Maybe I don't believe I want any of these things now, maybe in some dark corner of my mind I long for the relative comfort of my ED. But when all is said and done not eating and exercising till I was exhausted did not make me happy. It never has and it never will.
Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow will be better. Every day as I ignore these voices they will fade just a little bit more and some day they will be gone - forever. And I will be free.
I Believe
I believe in the sun
even when it's not shining;
I believe in love
even when I feel it not;
I believe in God,
even when He is silent
Loving this song right now: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q-8ez6dGao8
This is a very powerful post! I'm so sorry that you had a horrible day but I'm so pleased that you have learned from it. This:
ReplyDelete"Maybe I don't believe I want any of these things now, maybe in some dark corner of my mind I long for the relative comfort of my ED. But when all is said and done not eating and exercising till I was exhausted did not make me happy. It never has and it never will."
I can definately relate to this 100%. I always believed that in the midst of my disorder that I didn't want to live without it. For some reason I liked destroying myself by not eating enough and exercising until exhaustion. But that was just my ED telling me these things. Trust me, at the beginning of my recovery I still believed that I wanted all of these things but now that I have seen the light, I'd rather have no arm than go back to that hell hole.
Keep on pushing yourself! It's scary as hell but it's oh so rewarding :)
Much love,
Katy
xxx