I am all for positivity in recovery. I hate moping and dumping my problems on other people. I like to be the one that always has everything under control, that deals with her problems in an effective discreet manner. As one of my friends told me a while back “Either you are an incredibly positive person, or I'm really insensitive because I NEVER see you in a bad mood.” I like having that reputation. But there are some days I wish I had someone close that understands me, I wish I had someone I could just “dump” all my feelings and emotions on and not feel guilty about it. I wish I had someone near me who would hold me and tell me that everything was going to be OK. This isn't to say that I'm not surrounded by wonderful people. But there's no one near me that will understand me and what I'm going through right now without judging me, or trying to “help”. All I need right now is someone to listen to me.
And what am I going through right now? I'm not sure myself. I think is has to do with my weigh in yesterday. Well, not only my weigh in, but the reflection that stares back at me from my mirror every morning. I've started gaining at a rather rapid pace, and my body is changing. The weight is conglomerating around my stomach; and although this is normal and to be expected it's still hard. It's hard for me to wake up in the morning and say “Look how much nicer you look with a bit more weight on you.” I know this is a stage and that it will even out in the end. But in the back of my mind there is the worry “What if this doesn't even out?” I feel so ugly right now, like some kind of mutated alien and I just want it to stop. I want the voices, the negative emotions, to disappear. I want to feel happy I'm recovering, I want to feel positive and full of life and vigor.
I won't give up, I can't give up. But for the first time in a long time I feel weak. I feel like someone just knocked the wind out of me, and I'm struggling to breathe. Now every bite I take is accompanied by my ED's voice shouting at how it's making me FAT. I'm tempted to skip meals, to downsize my portions, to placate the voice in my head.
I WILL not do any of these things, because it's not worth it. They will only temporarily make me happy, and then I will feel the need to do more, to restrict more and ultimately to hurt myself more. I DO NOT need to listen to the voice in my head. I just need to wait them out till they pass.
I just need some support right now. I need someone to tell me that this will pass, that it won't be this way forever. I need someone to remind me that I'm doing the right thing, and I need to keep doing the right thing.
I'm sorry for the whiny tone of this post. I hope tomorrow will be a better day, that the voices will fade and I will be happy again. Tomorrow is a new day and with it comes a promise of new and better things.
I will be strong. I will hold on just a little bit longer, because I believe. I believe that there is a better way to live. I believe the pain and discomfort I feel is temporary and that it will pass. And I believe that I can overcome this ED. And I believe I will never regret my choice to do so.
This song is giving me strength right now: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q-8ez6dGao8
Please keep me in your thoughts, and cross your fingers I will get through this.