- looking in the mirror and calling myself a fat pig
- feeling faint and weak from hunger, but being unable to eat
- crying while I work out because I'm so exhausted or in pain
- having panic attacks just THINKING about chocolate
- being so cold I can't feel my fingers (even if it's only 10 C)
- walking around food stores analyzing the nutritional value of "healthy foods" even though i don't intend to buy any of them
- smelling food instead of tasting it
- letting my day to day choices revolve around my eating/exercise regime
- dreading waking up in the morning
- feeling fat all the time
- having a constant dialog of negativity in my head
- feeling ashamed
- feeling "different", alone and left out
- not embracing who I am
- not embracing the fact that I am beautiful just the way I am
- not being alive, full of life and happy
Ana, I'm so over you!
Today I took pictures of myself. And for once I was able to look at myself without feeling disgusting or ugly. As a matter of fact I felt rather pretty (although the photos don't show it too well). I still cling to the fact that I am un-photogenic and I look terrible in photos, but I decided to put one up.
Why? Because it's like my signature, my personal touch. People might read this blog and recognize me. And I don't care. I am PROUD of this blog, proud of fighting for recovery. I am not ashamed for trying, or even for failing at times. What I would be ashamed of is never trying at all. When I was anorexic I wanted so much to be anonymous. I wanted nothing more to be invisible, unnoticeable. I didn't want people to see I had a problem, because I was terrified of change. But I'm not afraid anymore. As I said before I am no longer hiding. I am no longer the anonymous girl in the shadows. I am ME - a dance lover, a European, a bubbly, out going person, a bookworm, a oldest sister, a secret writer, a future university student, a good cook, a good organizer, a people-lover and a girl reco
vering from an ED. There are many things that make me what I am, and I embrace them and pray each day that I will let the experiences and things I go and have gone though through make me a stronger, better person.
This is me :
(and no, I don't ALWAYS wear hats, only in winter time :P)