Tuesday, November 30, 2010

I am so over...

I am so over :

- looking in the mirror and calling myself a fat pig
- feeling faint and weak from hunger, but being unable to eat
- crying while I work out because I'm so exhausted or in pain
- having panic attacks just THINKING about chocolate
- being so cold I can't feel my fingers (even if it's only 10 C)
- walking around food stores analyzing the nutritional value of "healthy foods" even though i don't intend to buy any of them
- smelling food instead of tasting it
- letting my day to day choices revolve around my eating/exercise regime
- dreading waking up in the morning
- feeling fat all the time
- having a constant dialog of negativity in my head
- feeling ashamed
- feeling "different", alone and left out
- hiding
- not embracing who I am
- not embracing the fact that I am beautiful just the way I am
- not being alive, full of life and happy

Ana, I'm so over you!

Today I took pictures of myself. And for once I was able to look at myself without feeling disgusting or ugly. As a matter of fact I felt rather pretty (although the photos don't show it too well). I still cling to the fact that I am un-photogenic and I look terrible in photos, but I decided to put one up.

Why? Because it's like my signature, my personal touch. People might read this blog and recognize me. And I don't care. I am PROUD of this blog, proud of fighting for recovery. I am not ashamed for trying, or even for failing at times. What I would be ashamed of is never trying at all. When I was anorexic I wanted so much to be anonymous. I wanted nothing more to be invisible, unnoticeable. I didn't want people to see I had a problem, because I was terrified of change. But I'm not afraid anymore. As I said before I am no longer hiding. I am no longer the anonymous girl in the shadows. I am ME - a dance lover, a European, a bubbly, out going person, a bookworm, a oldest sister, a secret writer, a future university student, a good cook, a good organizer, a people-lover and a girl reco
vering from an ED. There are many things that make me what I am, and I embrace them and pray each day that I will let the experiences and things I go and have gone though through make me a stronger, better person.

This is me :

(and no, I don't ALWAYS wear hats, only in winter time :P)


  1. Oh my gosh, L, you're gorgeous!! Your eyes are absolutely stunning, wow! Be proud of yourself, girl. You have come so far :)


  2. You are BEAUTIFUL, both on the inside and the outside too. You have a lot to be proud of and you are showing ED that it doesn't define you...you define you!

    The first part of your post helped me to remember all of the reasons why I chose recovery. Thank you so much.

  3. I love this post! L, you're beautiful on the inside andd out! You don't need Ed. We all don't need Ed. Life is meant to be beautiful, not hard and frustrating.

    You are a great person, without Ed. Thanks for posting this(:

  4. Your eyes...so expressive! :)


    You must be kidding me.. You are beautiful and having such clear, pure blue eyes!

    Thank you for another inspiring and recovery oriented post! It reminded me of like your own declaration of independence from ED. =D

  6. L... You're beautiful.
    And I'm glad you're learning to see through "ED's eyes". As everyone else said - you have such amazing eyes! When I was a kid, I really wanted to have green eyes. I thought dark eyes were gross.
    But then, I started seeing through this prejudice I had constructed... Which is why now my eyes are my favorite body part :)
    Be strong, girl. You ARE physically able to eat more. Think about it - what's the worst thing that could happen if you, let's say, eat a square of milk chocolate?
    I'll tell you - absolutely nothing. Just pleasure and the feeling of freedom I'm sure you'll experience.
    I know it's much easier said then done - but remember, love. You CAN do it.
    I believe in you!
    Hang in there, love!