Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Progress and goals.

I was just thinking today about how much progress I've made in the last few weeks. I'm not sure what spurred it on, and how long this motivation will keep on going for, but I'm just amazed at all I was able to accomplish in a relatively short time. Of course I still have my bad days, but it seems that I manage to keep my ED at bay even at time when things are rough for me emotionally. Not that I want to sound like I'm tooting my own horn or anything, it's just really encouraging for me to see that things are slowly getting better.

So here's what I've managed to accomplish in a relatively short amount of time:

- up my calorie intake to the point where I'm actually gaining weight
- introduce more balance into my diet (i noticed that before fruits and veggie were definitely a predominant group)
- conquer several fear foods- almonds, cheese, pizza, pasta, protein shakes (I'm still not 100% comfortable with some of these foods, but I can eat them without having major panic attacks and the like)
- introducing more variety into my diet
- being more in tune with my emotions

The calorie upping was a big one for me, as before i was so rigedly stuck on a certain number that I wouldn't even THINK about crossing it, even by just 10 calories. Now I just keep general estimates and not a detailed count. If I go over or under it's not the end of the world for me.

Here's my dilemma. In my quest to eat a balanced diet and include all the food groups in proper amounts I find myself almost too food conscious some days. I worry about weather I'm meeting this or that limit. I do eat MUCH more balanced then I did, and that's a definite plus. But in order to keep my energy intake at a number I can gain weight from I count calories. As I said, it's usually a very general estimate and I don't stress much about it. But is that counter-productive? I'm hoping once I get into the "gaining groove" I won't have to worry about it as much and will more or less be able to eat without needing to count the calories. I have mixed feelings on this. Any advice?

I also want to celebrate a little victory I had today. I was wondering what to have for lunch and I decided I wanted a mushroom omelet. Then I thought about how delightful it would be with a bit of cheese. So I put that thought into action (cheese used to be a very firm part of my "I will never eat this again" list). Out of habit I cracked in 1 egg and 1 egg white. Then I looked at the leftover egg yoke and thought to myself "Why am I trashing this? Isn't it wasteful?" The answer came in a flash "Wasted calories. Unneeded fat." I immediately knew where those answers came from. It was that dark little corner in my mind that still feverishly clings to some old habits and mentalities. And it was time to challenge those thoughts. So before I could change my mind I quickly whipped in that extra egg yoke and enjoyed a delicious and very filling omelet. I waited for the wave of guilt, but nothing came. All I could think of was the fact that this was the best omelet I've had in a long time. It was a good reminder to me that I don't need to fear breaking these habits or mindsets, it's good for me to set challenges for myself so I can keep moving forward -even little day to day challenges like this.

I do have some goals in regards to my eating that I want to reach. And since I seem to be extra motivated of late now is as good a time as any to start heading in the right direction.

- Have heartier breakfasts. I am ALWAYS hungry in the morning, even after breakfast and snack, and usually end up famished by lunch. Time to practice some intuitive eating and satisfy my hunger.
- Take time to enjoy my food. Recently I am in such a hustle that I hardly take the time to enjoy what I eat. It's more of a chore, something that I HAVE to do. I think that although food is an essential part of life it can and should also be enjoyable. I just need to learn to stop and enjoy it.
- Add more healthy fats into my diet.
- Not restrict after a weigh in (this happened last week). I didn't really restrict per se, I just didn't add my supplements, but I guess that's basically the same thing.

Well that's all for now. Tomorrow I'm seeing my psychologist and getting weighed. Fingers crossed that all goes well.

Take care all!


  1. Congratulations on your progress, that is fantastic!!! I really admire your commitment to challenging the ED voice and both recognizing your progress and creating more goals!

    Hmm, I know where you're coming from about being too food conscious about getting enough calories. In my situation, I think of it as me shifting my perfectionism's focus from my ED to recovery- which can be just as destructive, because it is impossible to be perfect at recovery! I think you very well may get in a "gaining groove" and not have to think as much. I just have one question- do you see a nutritionist? My nutritionist has really helped me with that, b/c she gave me a meal plan w/ exchanges, not calories (for example: 2 grains, 1 fat for a snack instead of X calories) which is a really concrete way for me to know how much I need to eat without forcing me to focus on a number.

    Keep up the great work! I will keep my fingers crossed for you as well that tomorrow with your psychologist goes well!

  2. Your progress is outstanding and I'm glad you're seeing improvement in your health and diet!

    I'm not telling you to rush into it, by any means, but once you're able to stop counting calories, it's a total relief off of your shoulders. I used to write every single calorie down and weigh all of my food (even fruits and vegetables!) and it drove me crazy.

    I also used to (and still sometimes do) get into a bad habit of worrying if I've had "too many grains/fruits/vegetables/other food group" in a day. The point behind the food groups is variety and balance and as long as you're getting all of your nutrients from a varied source of foods, you're doing just fine!

    The egg accomplishment is a great one too. I can only convince myself to eat one egg per day (and I even know for a fact that if I have two on one day and none for another few days that it all balances out in the end) if I feel like it.

    If you're worried about not gaining weight, simply start to listen to your body and eat when you're hungry and if you notice that you're going down, add more nutrient/calorie dense foods into your regular routine (more nuts, seeds, avocado, hummus, eggs, etc.). I find that I eat generally the same on any given day but I mix it up with the specifics (different mix-ins with my oats, different vegetables with my salad, different grains with my dinner).