Monday, November 29, 2010

Let it snow.... not!


I'm going to start this post off with a little rant, and then I'll move on to them important stuff.

I woke up to this view from my bedroom window:

I like snow... in theory. I like the concept of drinking warm tea with the soothing sounds of Christmas music in the background while looking out the window at the lazily drifting snowflakes. Unfortunately, I forget the extreme cold, the pain of the ice-crystals whipping at your face, and the hours needed to be spent shoveling snow. I had to buy something at the shop today and a walk that normally takes 10 minutes tops took 20. I felt like I got a good work out, because walking through knee deep snow drifts was NOT EASY. By the time I got back my fingers were so cold they were in pain and swollen. Not my idea of fun. I love me a white Christmas, but why can't it just snow during Christmas?

Not to mention I have driving classes to attend. Now why I decided to take up driving lessons in the beginning of winter is beyond me. But that's ok, I'll finish my psychoanalysis in my free time.

Today I gave ED something to complain about. My stomach was feeling kind of weird all afternoon. Came time for dinner, I whipped up something small, rather bland and simple - just the thing to take care of my stomach discomfort. But something still wasn't right. "Was it hunger?" I wondered inwardly. I seemed to be craving something sweet. So I drank half a cup of juice. Nope, still not right. After a few moments deliberation I took 1/2 a banana out of the fridge, topped it with 2 tbs full-fat yogurt and dumped a few almonds. And I ate it - the first "desert" I've had in over 2 years. As I was eating I inwardly wondered how I was going to react;physically and mentally. Honestly afterwards I felt even worse. Something in my stomach was really weirding out. Of course along came ED with her "advice" - "Next time drink tea if you feel hungry. You overate, that's why you feel so gross". But instead of beating myself up (like I used to) and trying to think of ways I could do "penance" for my sins, I IGNORED the nagging voice in my head. I know all to well the feeling I get when I'm stuffed, and this was NOT it. In about 30 minutes I felt better, all my stomach discomfort had passed and I felt alive and full of energy. As a matter of fact I still do. To me this is further proof that my ED is full of ****. It really is. And sometimes doing whats right for your body may not feel "right" immediately - but it is in the long run.

Sometimes I forget how much I love defying my ED. I forget the thrilling freedom that comes from ignoring that voice in your head. Challenging myself to new and different things gives me such a rush; like a crazy roller-coaster ride. I'm scared, terrified at first, but it's always so worth it. And I love the fact that every time I do, I am taking one step closer to total and complete recovery.

Have you done anything to defy your ED recently?


  1. The challenges that you overcome during recovery make you feel amazing, don't they? It feels so good to be able to piss the ED off. GO YOU for listening to YOUR voice and not the ED voice!

    Ahh I wish it snowed where I live but then again I'm not a huge fan of the cold :P

  2. So happy that you showed ED who's boss! Good for you! It is empowering, isn't it?

    It's freezing here, but we're still waiting on snow!

    Keep it up. Stay strong! =)

  3. first time commenter :)
    It is amazing to overpower ed, and not let it control us. Thank you for reminding me of this, I have learnt that when i do listen to ed, it just makes everything worse.
    Brr! its cold here too, snowsnowsnow.