I'm going to start this post off with a little rant, and then I'll move on to them important stuff.
I woke up to this view from my bedroom window:
I like snow... in theory. I like the concept of drinking warm tea with the soothing sounds of Christmas music in the background while looking out the window at the lazily drifting snowflakes. Unfortunately, I forget the extreme cold, the pain of the ice-crystals whipping at your face, and the hours needed to be spent shoveling snow. I had to buy something at the shop today and a walk that normally takes 10 minutes tops took 20. I felt like I got a good work out, because walking through knee deep snow drifts was NOT EASY. By the time I got back my fingers were so cold they were in pain and swollen. Not my idea of fun. I love me a white Christmas, but why can't it just snow during Christmas?
Not to mention I have driving classes to attend. Now why I decided to take up driving lessons in the beginning of winter is beyond me. But that's ok, I'll finish my psychoanalysis in my free time.
Today I gave ED something to complain about. My stomach was feeling kind of weird all afternoon. Came time for dinner, I whipped up something small, rather bland and simple - just the thing to take care of my stomach discomfort. But something still wasn't right. "Was it hunger?" I wondered inwardly. I seemed to be craving something sweet. So I drank half a cup of juice. Nope, still not right. After a few moments deliberation I took 1/2 a banana out of the fridge, topped it with 2 tbs full-fat yogurt and dumped a few almonds. And I ate it - the first "desert" I've had in over 2 years. As I was eating I inwardly wondered how I was going to react;physically and mentally. Honestly afterwards I felt even worse. Something in my stomach was really weirding out. Of course along came ED with her "advice" - "Next time drink tea if you feel hungry. You overate, that's why you feel so gross". But instead of beating myself up (like I used to) and trying to think of ways I could do "penance" for my sins, I IGNORED the nagging voice in my head. I know all to well the feeling I get when I'm stuffed, and this was NOT it. In about 30 minutes I felt better, all my stomach discomfort had passed and I felt alive and full of energy. As a matter of fact I still do. To me this is further proof that my ED is full of ****. It really is. And sometimes doing whats right for your body may not feel "right" immediately - but it is in the long run.
Sometimes I forget how much I love defying my ED. I forget the thrilling freedom that comes from ignoring that voice in your head. Challenging myself to new and different things gives me such a rush; like a crazy roller-coaster ride. I'm scared, terrified at first, but it's always so worth it. And I love the fact that every time I do, I am taking one step closer to total and complete recovery.
Have you done anything to defy your ED recently?