Monday, April 12, 2010
Being home is one of the most complicated things I've faced up until now. There's constantly this unseen battle, this inner struggle going on inside me. I feel completely torn between trying so hard to be "normal" and wanting to go back to my comfort zone, my old habits and ways. Without anorexia I feel completely lost. This sounds really horrible, but my eating disorder is what controlled my life for over a year. Every decision, everything I said or did was based around it. It controlled what I did, who I spent time with, what mood I was in. Food (or rather not eating it) was my purpose in life. Seeing that number on the scale go down is the reason why I would wake up in the morning. It was a disgusting realization to come to, because it made me realize how pointless my life was up until this point. It hit me that if I kept going down the road I had been on I would reach the end of my life only to realize that the only thing I would have accomplished was lost weight. What a pointless, meaningless existence! And yet I feel the pull to go back to it. I feel the constant urge to eat less and less. I hear that unheard voice whispering in my ear, telling me to skip meals, to constantly look for ways to burn more calories, to lie to others about my eating habits. Every day is a struggle, every day is a fight. Every meal time I have to sit down and tell myself "I WILL eat this". I fight with feelings of guilt after eating, and then I feel guilty for feeling guilty. In other words I feel guilty because I'm not 100% better, even after all this time. I know it's a fight for the long haul, but sometimes I get tired and I wish all this would go away. I wish I could snap my fingers, go the the nearest cafe and eat and ice-cream without any problems. Instead I struggle with eating an apple, or drinking a coffee with milk. But I have to keep hope, I have to keep reminding myself how disgusting and pointless my life was with my ED, how unhappy I was. I have to keep believing that with time things will get easier, that I will win this battle someday.