Things that made me smile today.

Life is beautiful!

Snack-a-holic

So as of today my stomach seems to be on the road to recovery. Eating hummus still caused a bit of pain, but most of my veggies/fruit went down pain free. Yay for introducing a bit more variety into my diet.

There is something I'm struggling a bit with though, especially since regaining my appetite.

I am a self confessed snack-a-holic. I'm one of those people that just can't eat 3 meals a day and get enough nutrients/fuel in those meals to last them through the day. I need 5 mini-meals a day. And although this is considered healthy and normal, I feel bad about it.

Why? I feel like I eat big snacks :( It's baffling for me, because there are times I DON'T FEEL HUNGRY, but when I start to eat I need A LOT to feel satiated. And often that satiated feeling never comes - it's hungry to full. I struggle with this because unlike in times past I don't "plan" my snacks. I have a general idea of what I want to eat, and if that isn't enough I get something more. But maybe it is enough? Maybe I'm boredom eating? It is a possibility, especially since I am in the house a lot of the time with not much to do.

Today I got hit with a lot of thoughts like this regarding my snack. I didn't restrict though - I ate what it took for me to be full. But there was not a little mental struggle involved.

Also a lot of my snacks tend to be the same thing, day after day. I don't know why I've developed ruts like this. It could be because those are staples that are available in our house. The problem is whenever I eat anything other then those foods I feel guilt, like that food should have been reserved for a meal. But I guess for me snacks are mini meals, because I can't eat big enough main meals (I'm assuming). Or maybe this extra hunger is my bodies way of trying to get to it's set point, and once it reaches that point the hunger will fade and I will start eating less.

It's just hard for me to look around me and see everyone eating less then me when I am the "former anorexic" and thus should be eating less then them. Ok that is obviously eating disordered thinking right there. But when I compare my meals to my dads, he seems to eat the same amount - although he's a BIG guy and exercises of a regular basis. What's wrong with this picture?

I'm sorry, I have to ask this question in order to get it off my chest.

Are 2 crackers of this:

with a bit of this:

and half a cup of this

with this

an insanly huge snack. Or are my ED thoughts really getting to me today?

Mini rant and challenge update.

I'm so frustrated at the moment :(. Ever since getting this flue my stomach has been an absolute wreck. For the first 2 days all I could live off of was oatmeal, toast, yogurt and cereal. Then I moved on to cottage cheese, eggs, boiled veggies and rice. I'm so sick and tired of just bland foods. I have a whole bunch of food I want to try, not to mention a lovely ripe avocado sitting in the fridge, but I can't eat any of it because I can't seem to digest it.

Another thing that's missing is my appetite. I still get hungry from time to time, but after I eat my stomach hurts SO BAD. It's horrible!

Take today for example. I was really looking forward to lunch - curried lentils with chapati's and salad. I had a late breakfast, so I skipped my snack. Come lunch I was hungry, but after eating I had such excruciating pain in my stomach. 4 hours later my stomach still hurt, but I thought it might be a fiber overload and so I opted for something light and easy to digest - a bit of cornbread with cottage cheese (it's actually really yummy :D) But that made it WORSE. Of course ED came in telling me that's what I get for snacking and that I should have restricted and "listened to my body". Come dinner time appetite was GONE. But then I saw a fresh loaf of my favorite multi-grain bread on the counter. And it was calling my name. So I made myself 2 small sandwiches with a few carrot sticks. Then I went back for another because it was just SO GOOD. My stomach started hurting AGAIN right afterwards though. This is seriously frustrating!

What is annoying me most right now is the fact that I feel happy to have an excuse for restricting. That sounds really bad, I know, which is why I have to say it. When I feel hungry if I restrict I know I'm giving into my ED. But this is sort of a grey area because since it actually HURTS to eat, I figure it's ok not to . Yes I know this is wrong as well, but it's how my brain reasons it out. Anyhow I'm going to stick to lighter foods and try to get more nutrients in smaller amounts. Meaning I'll try to eat smaller portions but of more nutrient dense foods. Hopefully it'll make a difference in how I feel after meals and help the whole "eating experience" not be as painful.

Now that my ranting is over I'm going to do an update on my challenge for today.

This is pretty much self explanatory, it's pretty much my "inner dialog" in two given times.

(As I'm eating dinner)

"Ouch, this carrot is really making my stomach ache. I probably shouldn't be eating it. But I'm still a bit hungry and I REALLY want that another slice of that bread."

"I never have seconds before eating my veggies though."

"Ok, but if this were someone else, what would you tell them to do?"

"I would say - screw the veggies and eat another sandwich."

"So do that!"

And I did

(A few minutes ago:)

"Darn, my stomach hurts and I still have yoga to do."

"Why do you HAVE to do it?"

"I haven't done yoga in a few days and it's on my to-do list."

"Ok, but if someone else were faced with this dilema - what would you tell them to do?"

"I'd tell them to forget yoga and rest their stomach."

"So do that!"

And I will

On a side note I'm not one for "foodie pics". Mainly because I live with my family and whipping a camera at mealtimes would cause quite a bit of commotion. Also, I like simple, easy to make foods - nothing too note worthy. But since I'm raving about this bread I will post a picture of it, just for fun. When it's fresh it has the most delightfully firm crust and chewy moist inside - YUM!!!

Ain't it pretty. (well aside from the fact it's cut unevenly - which is admittedly totally my fault :P)

Alrighty, I'm off. Hope you all are doing well.

A new 10 day challenge.

Thanks to everyone for their advice on my driving. I don't want to quit, but I tend to second guess myself a lot. Whenever I don't do something well my perfectionist tendencies kick in and tell me to quit while I'm ahead or else I'll end up failing. And apparently for me failing is scarier then the plague. Although this mentality is universally flawed (it took Edison 1000 failures before he invented the light-bulb) it's something I still struggle with. But I am NOT a quitter, so I will stick it out. And whatever happens, happens.

But let's get on to the real topic of this post, and that is my new challenge. If you read this post you'll know that I've felt pretty motivated recently. But motivation without any challenges goes to waste, right? So I decided it's time for me to push myself to take the next step in recovery.

Honestly, I don't feel like writing this. I don't feel like challenging myself. This is not just complacency, but more a sense of feeling that I'm not strong enough to face a challenge at this time in my life. I'm struggling with quite a few un- ED related issues at the moment, not to mention that I'm in an environment that I am finding triggering. But life isn't perfect and there will always be situations that are trying or difficult. So I'm going to bite the bullet and "just do it". And for added accountability I'm posting it here so that I feel compelled to push myself,

even on the days I feel I don't have it in me.

A realization I came to a while back is that I have an easier time caring for others then I do myself. Somehow I feel undeserving of the same things they do, or I just don't think about myself in that way. I have no qualms with spending a few hours cooking an elaborate meal for someone, but taking 30 minutes out of my schedule to make something I really enjoy seems a waste of time. I will do favors for people that require significant time commitments, but when it comes to allowing myself to do something "un-productive" but relaxing - I feel guilty.

This also includes giving people advice. It seems like a lot of advice I give other people I should apply to my own situation, but I just don't think about it. So my challenge for 10 days is to try to think of myself in "3rd person". I will try to see myself as "someone else" and give myself what I would give them. This might sound a little weird, but I think it just might work. Even just the fact that I feel somewhat uneasy about embarking on this challenge means that it's pushing me out of my comfort zone and will be beneficial for me in some way.

I will be updating on here from time to time about the results of this challenge. I'm hoping that I will be able to see some progress - not just in my eating habits, but in the way I view myself.

On other note....

I'm still battling with this flu that just want go away. I thought I had it beat two days ago, but after a bad night of sleep it came back. I'm feeling better today, but still having a really hard time sleeping - both at night and during the day. Hopefully this is a result of my sickness and not a long term thing, because that would really drive me crazy.

Anyhow for the first time in a few days I was able to go for a walk and I decided to take my camera and take some snowy pictures of my lovely town.

As you can see clearly on this picture this is a very populated city.

Actually today it everywhere was absolutely deserted. It was very odd. This is a small town, so there are never THAT many people out, but definitely more then there were today. Most of the snow was still fresh on the ground on the sidewalks. I guess it made for prettier picture though.

The town square:

And I found it funny that the snow made this obviously famous person (although I haven't a clue who they are) Jewish :P

See you all in the new week. Hope it's a good one!

What is realistic?

There is something I've been thinking a lot about recently. It has to do with realistic/unrealistic expectations I have of myself.

I've always been sort of a perfectionist - if I put my mind to something I wanted to do it well. This trait has usually hurt me more then it

has helped me. Mainly because there are times I have refused to try to do something because I knew I couldn't do it well, or because I have pushed myself so hard because I wanted to do something so perfectly that I ended up very stressed and unhappy.

So what I was wondering was this : where is the balance? When is it right to try to do something, even though it may not seem achievable at first, and when is it more prudent to quit instead of pushing yourself to do something you are just not made to do.

For instance some people are natural artists. I have long come to grips with the fact that I am not one of those people. Any picture I have attempted to draw ended up in the trash after 10 minutes and not a little frustration. I would end up feeling so disheartened, because I could never put the pictures in my head on paper. So instead of art being a calming, enjoyable activity, it was the cause of stress and dissapointment. Not a good idea for me.

(Thankfully I came to this realization pretty early in life - around the age of 11-12. So I haven't experienced these feelings in a while.)

Now lets examine a more recent example. I am currently learning how to drive. I am trying my best to be a good student, I really am. I study in my free time, I visualize potential situations, I try to observe how others drive and learn from them. But it just seems I can do no right in the eyes of my instructor. He calls me slow, and tells me I just don't have it in me to learn how to drive. Now a part of me wants to be strong and refuse to quit, yet on the other hand I wonder if prehalps I'm being foolish and naive. Maybe he's right and I'm wrong. I don't dislike him in general, but as soon as we get behind the wheel he seems a completely different person. I'm not sure if this is my fault, or his. And I don't know what to do.

(How I'm feeling inside every time I get behind the wheel )

On the one hand he's not a bad teacher. But on the other he expects A LOT from me. So I go between feeling like a failure that will never learn and wondering whether he is in the wrong. I am a slower learner then what he is used to, but does that mean I'll never learn?

I think the same reasoning could be applied to some challenges we give ourselves in recovery. I believe there is a point you can push yourself "too far too fast". Few people have the internal motivation to push themselves THAT far, but it does happen. And I feel sometimes it's important to realize your limitations and slowly start to work on them, as opposed to trying to do everything at once. That is impossible and usually will make you feel like quiting before you even really get started. You end up failing not because you are a failure, but because you set unrealistic expectations of yourself.

On the flip side sometimes you need a little "kick in the ass" to get you motivated. That's why it's important to have others to help you along this journey. A lot of the times you can't see objectively, you either are scared of pushing yourself harder, or your comfy where you are. Others can help motivate you, show you where your strengths and weaknesses lie, and help you get where you want to go. So an outside perspective is valuable as well.

All in all I think it's a matter of balance and knowing what is realistic for you, and what isn't.

Any thoughts on the matter?

New motivation.

Today I'm having a blah sort of day. There's a tummy flu going around and I am trying my very best to fight it off. So most of today consisted of lying down, eating very bland food and willing myself not to be sick.

Something productive that I WAS able to accomplish was looking up a list of potential universities I could send applications in to. This process requires a lot of deliberation because it means:

- I need to move out and find an apartment in the city the University is in

- Find a job to support myself

- Commit to spending 3+ years in this new location

Also I am waiting on some paperwork to even find out if I am eligible to apply to some of these faculties. It's exiting yet overwhelming at the same time. I don't think I've ever wanted anything quite as much as I want this. I feel like I have no back up plan in case this doesn't pan out. I look at myself 3 years down the line and I can't imagine having an office job, or working as a waitress, or having any run of the mill type job. Not that I wouldn't be willing to do it short time, mind you, because I would do almost anything in order to support myself short term. But

as far as I life long career path, I just don't see anything else.

Maybe it's stupid and naive to put all my dreams in one basket and say "this is the way I want my life to be". But I feel that after years of searching I've found something I want to do with my life. I feel like I have a purpose, a goal and I would do almost anything to reach that goal.

This also motivates me to pursue recovery with a new vengeance, knowing that I have to be in a good place physically and mentally in order to study. I can't be suffering memory lapses, or have problems concentrating, or constantly be obsessing about food. I don't intend to throw all the rules of healthy living up in the air and just "let myself go" so to speak. But I need to be able to grab a sandwich on the go without worrying about the fat/calorie content. I want to be able to go out with friends for pizza and a drink - regardless if I have exercised that day or not. I want to be free to continue on living my life in the way I want to, without this emotional/mental baggag

e weighing on me all the time.

So as of tomorrow I will challenge myself to step outside my comfort zone in some way. I'm not yet sure how I intend to do this just yet. All I know is this - I want to be healthy, I want a full, ED free life. And I'm going to do whatever it takes to get it.

When we are motivated by goals that have deep meaning, by dreams that need completion, by pure love that needs expressing, then we truly live life.

---

You measure the size of the accomplishment by the obstacles you had to overcome to reach your goals.

How I cope with anxiety.

I think anxiety is a topic that most of us are familiar with. I'm pretty sure everyone experiences it to some extent or another. Although I dare say most people don't have to deal with it at nearly the same proportions as we do.

I used my eating habits as a way to cope with my anxiety. Soon my eating disorder no longer was a coping mechanism as much as a source of that anxiety. If I didn't know exactly what time I would eat my next meal, where I would eat it, who would see me eating it, how many calories were in it etc. I would FREAK out. Cue major panic attacks.

At the beginning of my recovery I experienced some pretty severe anxiety. This was due to all the changes happening in my life at the time, the tension at home that was caused by my illness, and my reluctance to change my habits and mindsets. Now that I have moved on and made some serious steps of progress things are much better, but I still experience severe anxiety from time to time.

Today was one of those days. After lunch it seemed everything went wrong. I had to go out to town to take care of some important paperwork and other errands, but it seemed that nothing was working out as planned. I misplaced things, was running late, had to wait on other people. To top it off it was freezing cold outside, one office was closed and it turned out I had forgotten an important document that I was unable to complete the paperwork without. To comfort myself I went shopping only to end up buying something I was unhappy with. I never spend money on myself, and to buy something I don't like made an already bad day even worse. As I was walking home I felt the anxiety building. I got home just in time for snack. I quickly ate something, just so I could have it over with. Then ED thoughts started seeping in. "You weren't actually hungry, you shouldn't have eaten that! You scarfed that down like some starved animal. Why don't you get some control over yourself for once?" It seems that all my negative thoughts get even stronger when I am under stress or pressure or am feeling anxious so this was very difficult for me. Just then my parents started cooking dinner and just the thought of food was making my stress levels rise.

But I've learned that there are actually productive ways for me to cope with anxiety. Depending on what caused it I have different ways of dealing with it. Sometimes I try just blocking everything out and breathing deeply and slowly while listening to some soothing music. This works occasionally, but usually I am not able to keep those irritating voices out of my mind. What has also helped me in the past is doing some yoga. The fact that my body and mind are both engaged help me to feel better. And when all else fails I keep myself busy - usually it involves cleaning and organizing something. Occasionally a friendly conversation helps as well, but I often tend to become snappy and unpleasant at times like these. And since I can't explain why I choose to avoid most people. But doing something active really does work for me. It takes a while for the anxiety to fade, but it always does. In the meantime I try to focus my attention elsewhere. We can't keep the birds from flying over our heads, but we can keep them from building a nest there.

So what I have to show from todays anxiety is a clean room :D. I intend to go into town tomorrow to finish up the paperwork, and hopefully return/exchange the thing I bought. I was able to eat a proper dinner and right now I feel great. I have a sense of satisfaction at knowing I defied my ED once again. I'm planning an evening session of yoga (it helps me sleep) and maybe a good book or movie. Whatever the case I'm sure it'll be enjoyable and I'm looking forward to it.

Do you experience anxiety a lot and do you have any tricks/tips on coping with it?