Disappearing...

... but only for a week.

I'll probably be away for a while, as I am going abroad on a business trip with my dad. Although I am amazingly happy/exited about being able to travel again so soon after my last trip, I'm feeling a touch of the usual pre-trip anxiety (fear foods and unknown situations and all). Thinking back on my last trip makes me feel a lot bolder in that aspect though. I know it'll be great and if that annoying little voice in my head tries to ruin any of that for me, I will not-so-politely tell it to take a hike.

Hopefully I'll be back soon, with lots of exiting stories and pictures. In the meantime I hope you all have a good week/weekend.

And in honor of the NEDA here's something I really like:

Attitude change.

I had a mini-revelation today. I have completely changed my attitude towards food.

Pre-ED I enjoyed food, but not more so then the avarage person. I didn't give it much thought actually, I would eat whatever was put in front of me or available at the time, even if I didn't particularly enjoy it. I focused my attention on other things, so food never really played a major role.

During my ED I went to the opposite extreme. I ate a whole lot of things I hated and that were (admittendly) really gross, just because they were low calorie. Think oats cooked in water, celery sticks, lettuce dunked in mustard and water soup (that is really all it was, with a few veggies floating around in it). It leaves a nasty taste in my mouth just thinking of these diet staples I used to have. I talked myself into the fact that I "liked" these foods when very little could be further from the truth.

When I first started recovering I was scared of enjoying food. For some reason food and enjoying it seemed wrong, like I was enjoying something dirty or morally unacceptable. I treated food like medicine - nothing more. I ate what I had to in order to gain weight while secretly enjoying some of it, but never being able to admit it to myself or others.

I'm so happy to say I have come so far since then. I now not only enjoy food, but am able to experiment with it, create my own recipes and really savor the results. I don't feel guilty for enjoying food, or admitting something tastes good. Actually, I have a certain sense of pride in discovering new and tasty combinations and flavors. I have more of an appreciation for what I put in my body and how it benefits me and my health, but at the same time I am able to extend my focus to other things as well such as flavor, texture and presentation. I don't always put a lot of effort into my food, usually because of lack of time. But when I do I rarely ever regret it.

Sitting down to eat a meal is not a waste of time. Experimenting with a new recipe is not a waste of time. And adding something "higher calorie" to your food is not wrong. Food is meant to be enjoyed as well, otherwise we might as well all be hooked up to feeding tubes all the time. Food is a social event, a pleasant conversation, a moment to stop and relax. I never realized this till recently.

Today for instance I tried some chocolate oat bran. It was

a bit too chocolaty for my taste, so I added some coconut (gasp -extra fat and calories). Did it taste better afterwards? - It sure did. So instead of suffering through a lower calorie, but unappealing owl of oat-bran I was able to savor a satisfying, nutritious breakfast.

Another thing I did today is I made a curried chicken, broccoli and carrot stir fry just so I could try out the new mango chutney someone gave me. In times past this would be unthinkable, because chutney is almost like a savory jam.

(Fortunately, or unfortunately because I have such a small jar of this delightful condiment it is terribly addicting and I could eat out of the jar plain - and already have :P)

All these realizations have brought me to one conclusion. I like food. And I am (slowly) learning to accept that.

My weekend.

My weekend involved long walks in the snow (to the library in my case, which was unfortunately closed):

I also ended up experimenting with new recipes (with some amazing results):

Chickpea soup from Oh She Glows

This soup is totally worth all the reviews. But you absolutely have to garnish it with lemon, a bit of paprika and a few drops of olive oil. The flavor is not the same without it.

Lentil pilaf (I made up this recipe myself)

Organic red lentils cooked with 2 tsp of madras curry power, half a chopped onion, 2 cloves of garlic and some vegetable broth. Half way through the cooking process I added chopped carrots and some soya sauce to taste. I cooked some pearl barley and steamed cauliflower on the side. Then I mixed it all together and topped it with some sunflower seeds and voila - a healthy, filling, tasty dish.

And I've also jumped on the oat bran wagon. If you're wondering what's the difference between oat bran and normal oats, I've found that oat bran is much creamier and doesn't have any chew on it's own. It also doesn't seem to retain as much of the "banana" flavor as oats do, and instead it gets thick and creamy, which is fine by me.

Today's mix was: 1/4 cup oat bran with 1/4 cup oats cooked with 1/2 banana mashed in, cinnamon, and vanilla essence. Topped with coconut butter (the picture is borrowed since I didn't take one of my own, but the oat bran looked exactly like that )

And indulging in some treats:

I tried chocolate again for the first time in over a year and I discovered I LOVE dark chocolate. This came as a surprise because I was always a milk-chocolate girl. Not anymore apparently. But I'm so happy I was able to defy ED enough to try both types of chocolate, otherwise I would have never known.

And there's nothing like a good cup of coffee. My dad brought some back from a coffee fair and it is HEAVEN in a cup.

In my free time I did a good deal of this:

And some of this:

(That's a yoga video, in case you can't tell :P)

I'm totally psyched about the week ahead. Sounds like there'll be a lot going on, and I'm totally looking forward to it.

What are you guys and gals looking forward to about the week ahead?

Opinions of others.

I have a confession to make....

I'm terrified of this guy:

Not him so much as what he represents actually :P

But seriously, I've come to the realization that I am terrified of other's disapproval.

I've always been a perfectionist so some extent. Anything I did I wanted to do well, or I figured I might as well not bother. So I definitely put my 100% into everything I did. But there also came a point that if I knew I did my best I was confident in that fact. What people said to me didn't influence my self-worth, because I knew I had done a good job. I was able to see right through them and recognize the fact that they were either:

a) jealous

b) malicious

c) ignorant

But somewhere down the line that changed. I suddenly needed other's praise and recognition because I wasn't able to get the assurance I craved from an internal source. I was NEVER good enough for myself, so I relied on others opinions to let me know how I was doing. Now this can be a positive thing when you are surrounded by a loving family and supportive friends. But unfortunately not everyone out there is like that. There are people who will kick you when your down, and take advantage of your weakness.

Right now there is someone in my life who does that. He's an instructor and as such I simply don't have the option to distance myself from him. But I dread every minute we spend together. I react so negatively because I am unable to please him. I do everything he tells me, and the next time we see each other he ignores the progress I've made and instead chooses to focus on my mistakes and shortcomings. And it's tiering and infernally frustrating. I always leave him feeling like I want to cry, because I feel so low. Add some personal insults (he's asked me if I'm "slow" or just stupid) and you've got yourself the person I am faced with several times a week. I think it's understandable that I spend the whole day dreading our next lesson.

I react to the disapproval of this man in a very peculiar way. I go between beating myself up for being stupid and unable to learn, to wondering if he is just a particularly difficult person that happens not to be too fond of me. On the one hand I want to believe I am doing my best, and that he should have some appreciation of that fact. On the other hand I feel like I should be pushing myself harder, because if he's so harsh there must be something wrong with me.

To be honest I don't know how to deal with this particular situation. But I DO know I need to learn to deal with others disapproval of me. I can't walk through life expecting to be congratulated, patted on the back and encouraged at every turn. There will be people who want to knock me down, make me feel worthless and unimportant. But I am going to be stronger then them. I am going to learn not to back down, and be confident in who I am. If I am doing my best that needs to be enough for me.

I think it's so important to develop and internal confidence, a sense of self-worth that is not swayed by every harsh word or comment. If you've had an ED or just have low self esteem this is so much easier said then done. But try to find your good points and focus on those when you're feeling low. Even if all you can find is one, it's better then nothing. Cling to that positive quality, put it up on a pedestal in your mind. If you can believe it and celebrate it, soon others will learn to see it in you as well.

Struggling to find balance.

I'm annoyed.

I'm annoyed at my eating disorder taking something as basic as eating and making it complicated.

I'm annoyed at myself for not being able to achieve the balance I so desperately seek.

I'm annoyed at my life for being at a standstill at the moment, and me being powerless to change that at the moment.

I'm annoyed at my body for the way it reacts to food.

I'm annoyed at the weather for being -15 C.

I'm annoyed because I can't seem to focus these days, and thoughts of food seem almost ever present.

GRRRRRRR!

Here's the good news:

I'm becoming freer with my food. I'm experimenting more and measuring everything less :)

I'm going above and beyond the call of duty when it comes to my healthy fat intake and I'm including more then I absolutely HAVE to. I have also discovered a new love for almonds, which makes this much easier.

I've allowed myself a fear food today and enjoyed it quite a bit.

I'm defying me ED quite a bit, which is why I'm feeling somewhat shaky at the moment.

I don't have a whole lot to say, except that I'm having a hard time dealing with my increased appetite. In a way it's good to be hungry, but being ALWAYS hungry and trying to figure out what to eat to satiate you gets on my nerves. I seem to end up majorly bloated and stuffed at the end of the day, yet still craving more food. What is going on here?

You'd think extra fats would satiated me, but I'm not finding that true at the moment. It's taking all my strength just to listen to my body, and not try to restrict so I feel more comfortable with my intake.

On a plus side I have been eating lots of yummy foods recently and discovering new favorites. Such as banana/cocoa oat bran - amazingly good.

And figs cooked into oatmeal - so incredibly sweet.

I'm also enjoying experimenting with new recipes, with good results:

Penne pasta tossed with spinach sauted in garlic and olive oil with chicken

And chickpea burgers sandwiches with baby spinach and a tzaziki sauce dressing.

So I guess things are still going pretty well for me. I'm just struggling to find balance, and that can be the hardest thing of all. I feel like my backs against the wall and every way out seems to end back at the beginning. I'm having such a hard time trusting my body and giving it what it needs. But I will give it time, and hopefully it will change.

In the meantime:

Short 'n' sweet.

I don't have much to say, but since I made a challenge/goal I feel it's important I let everyone know that I'm sticking to it :)

I ate my first bit of coconut butter yesterday. First bit went into my morning oats - and that was really good. So happy I decided on that combination. The next little bit I had plain on a cracker, but it was a bit too rich for me and ended up making me sick for the next 6 hours. Not fun! Although my ED wanted me to feel guilty for making myself sick, I decided to keep up the positive attitude that it was worth it because I was sticking to my commitment. And I learned an important lesson for next time - I can't stomach coconut butter "straight". But nothing ventured nothing gained.

Today I snacked on some almonds for my "additional" healthy fats, because I didn't feel ready to tackle the coconut butter again just yet. But I will probably be adding it again to my oats tomorrow, because it was really nice :). I am proud of myself for keeping up with my goals so far and not backing down.

Although looking in the mirror today I realized something slightly disturbing - I think I may have lost weight. I have been sick for the past 3-4 days so my appetite has been someone diminished and I have been eating less. I guess I should have been more careful, but I kind of let it slip. This is NOT something I can really afford at this point, so I need to be careful of letting it happen in the future.

Also, I need to start eating more energetically dense foods for snacks. I usually grab something quick and easy to prepare - such as a fruit and crackers with hummus or cottage cheese. But this sort of thing is not going to help me gain weight. It'll take me a while to step out of my comfort zone, but the sooner I start the better.

Today I made some veggie wraps and chickpea bites using this recipie. They were super yummy. A little more work then I expected, but I enjoyed them a lot :) And I ate a LOT as well. I actually surprised myself. But I guess I needed it because I don't feel especially overstuffed, just full. So I'm ok with that.

(Picture taken from Oh She Glows where I got the recipie from as well)

So here's to the new week ahead, I hope it will be filled with new and exiting things.

Enjoy the last few hours of your weekend anyone.

Any suggestions on easy to prepare, fairly nutritionally dense snacks?

Getting back on my feet.

The past few days I've been knocked for a loop. This week in general has been a hard one for me. Throw in being sick with the flu/fever and you've got yourself a person lying in bed all day feeling utterly knocked down and defeated. When I spend too much time inactive my depression kicks in, and that's when I really get floored. There were a few times in the last few days I broke down and started crying (when the other people in the room turned their back) or sat in front of a plate of food wanting with all that is within me to walk away.

But guess what ED - you haven't won yet. I'm back on my feet and ready for another fight.

Thank you for your helpful comments. When I'm feeling a little better I will sit down with my parents and explain to them my feelings , goals and vision for the future. I'm trying my best to believe that they are simply trying to do what's best for me, although they will probably never realize how much some of their comments hurt me. They are humans and humans make mistakes. I'm sure I've hurt them much worse it times past, so it's time to forgive and move on.

In a way I think I should be grateful for the fact that they brought up some issues I still need to work on - weight gain and normalizing my eating habits. I've fallen into a few food ruts and although these aren't detrimental per-se; it's good to hear someone else's perspective on these things. And I am willing to do my part to change. It is scary, it is intimidating, but it's the only way to embrace the fullness of life ahead of me. So I'm going to go for it.

The first thing I decided I needed to do in terms of weight gain is up my calorie intake. I won't be counting calories (I have been in times past to ensure I was getting the minimum amount needed to maintain) but I will be adding more healthy fats into my diet. That includes nuts. nut butters, avocados and olive oils.

To be honest this is something that terrifies me a little, because although I have made progress in this area I still am somewhat uneasy about eating nuts and nut butters. Well in order to break to keep myself from going back on my commitment I've decided to make it more specific. My goal is to eat either:

- one serving of nuts a day

- one tablespoon of nut butter a day

- 1/4-1/2 an avocado a day

Most of you are probably things "tsh, what is she making a big deal about". And I know all the health bloggers include a significant amount of nut butters in their daily menu. But we're all different, we all have our fears and this just happens to be mine. I am going to overcome it though, even if it means taking baby steps at first. I am stronger then I think.

100% nut butters are crazy expensive here, because they are all imported from the States or the UK. But when life gives you lemons (or in my case coconut) make.....

Coconut butter :)

Using this little fellow here (the hand blender):

And some unsweatened shredded coconut I was able to create:

Coconut butter.

I think I should mention that of all nuts/nut butters I was always the most aprehensive about coconut. But it was the only thing my poor blender could process, so coconut butter it was. I was afraid that as a start straight up coconut butter would be too much for me, and since I only made a little bit anyways (this was an experiment) I decided to copy this lady's coconut butter idea. And it is SO GOOD. Right now my stomach is a bit upset (fever, flu and all that's going on) so I only had a few tastes of it. But I honestly can't wait to eat it tomorrow :). I can't remember the last time I looked forward to something so much .

So you can be expecting some new and exiting coconut butter creations in the days to come. My only question is, should I be keeping it in the fridge?