Exercise and appetite.

The human body is a funny thing. Mine in particular never ceases to surprise me.

I used to exercise as a way to curb hunger. I would do a good hour of work out and that would kill any and all hunger pangs for then next 2-3 hours. Between that and chewing gum and drinking diet cola like there was no tomorrow I would somehow make it through each day on the minuscule amounts I wanted to live off of.

Now it seems that the opposite happens. I exercise and I am RAVENOUS. I usually have a pretty good appetite, but when I work out it seems multiplied x 100. This is a good thing, because I know my body is compensating for lost energy and building up muscle tissue. But it is a little unnerving. I'm used to my appetite being a certain way and when I find myself STILL hungry after eating a rather significant amount of food I end up scratching my head and feeling more then a little puzzled.

Take this hearty curry lentil/barley soup for instance. It kept me full for only about 2 hours when the average is 3-4. It's all a little weird I tell you. At least it was yummy.

At the moment I am faced with a dilemma. I love exercise and movement. As a matter of fact I need it to stay sane. And right now to be honest I feel like I'm ready to move on from just walking, yoga and the VERY light resistance training I do.

My body seems to automatically compensate for the burned calories when I work out, through increased appetite. The question is can my mind keep up with my body. I did a light work out today, and when my appetite kicked in I found myself a little uneasy. I did what was right and ate till I was full, but there was a bit of a mental struggle involved.

To be honest my appetite scares me sometimes. I think back on the times I could live off virtually no food and wonder how it was possible. I'm mentally at peace with the amount I eat now, but more seems hard for my mind and body to handle (I still have a rather screwed up digestive system).

On the other hand I still want to gain some weight, and I know exercise will help me do that if I am able to compensate by eating enough. Muscle weighs more then fat and I like feeling strong and empowered. I wouldn't do any hard-core cardio work outs like I used to when I was trying to lose weight. I would focus on resistance training and building up those muscles.

The question is, am I able to compensate? Do I trust myself to not panic when the hunger sets in and actually listen to my body? To be honest I don't know.

In other happy news today the sun came out for the first time in almost 2 months! This was reason to celebrate in my book, so I took the opportunity to stroll around the neighborhood.

Sun, glorious sun!!

Don't I live in the most adorable of neighborhoods :P

Do you have any advice for me about my exercise dilemma. Have you faced similar issued before?

PS: Thank you all for your supportive comments on my last posts. It's so good to know I'm not alone in all this craziness.

Everyone's different.

Everyone's different, everyone's different, everyone's different.

Hopefully if I say that enough I'll get it through my thick skull. Because this is a concept that I can't seem to come to grips with.

I compare so much with people's eating habits, work out routines, meal sizes - almost everything in that aspect. Be it other bloggers, my family and friends, or just random people I hear about.

I have this set idea of how I want my diet/exercise schedule to look like, the amount of food I'd like to eat each day and at what times. I am a bit of a control freak when it comes to my work schedule for the day, and it bugs me when my eating schedule and work schedule coincide. I almost get indignant at my body - "How dare you be hungry now. I'm not ready to eat" Sounds so absurd when you say it like that, but that's essentially what does through my mind. In addition to that I tell myself "I'm not allowed to eat that much now. Look at so and so who ate such and such at such and such a time. They're not hungry yet, so why are you?" It makes life really hard for me, because I'm constantly at war with myself - doing what I feel I "should" do or doing what my body wants me to do.

For the past few days I've tried to conform to the 3 meals a day rule with one snack in between. It doesn't work for me. I find myself getting so hungry my body goes into overdrive and I stuff myself at the next meal. After that I have horrible stomach pains, bloating and I just feel genuinely sick. But I still stubbornly try to stick to what "most everyone else is doing" as opposed to what is right for my body.

So as of today I'm saying screw the "rules". I need to eat 5 times a day to make my body function properly. Some people don't and that's ok. Some people don't eat breakfast - I do. Some people work out for an hour each day - I don't.

It's hard for me not to restrict when it seems that eating only 2-3 meals a day is the "normal" way to eat. But then I remind myself that I'm only choosing to look at things from one side of the coin. I choose to ignore the late night snacking, or the volume or caloric value of those two meals. I just look at it from a logistic point of view, because it justifies restricting in my mind.

The truth is I'm having a hard time remembering what normal eating habits are for me. Throw in the fact that they might have changed over time and I'm really confused. All I know and remember right now is restricting or trying to restrict. And whenever I'm in that "zone" things seem right and normal. I don't worry that I'm overeating, I don't feel that being hungry is weird. I have clearly set rules and guidelines. Without them I feel lost and second guess myself at every turn - "Am I really hungry? Maybe I'm just bored. Have I eaten all my food groups for the day?" And it's hard to have these questions constantly flooding my mind.

But I hope that I will slowly re-learn what normal eating is for me. In order to do that I need to accept that I am different and that my meals and snacks will not look like some other peoples. It doesn't matter because in the end my body knows what it needs, and if I give it what it wants, it won't take any more then what is essential.

Speaking of needs, this is something my body desperately needed this morning :)

The best overnight oats ever!

I loosely measured 1/3 cup of oats (probably was more, because I don't really care) and added 2/3 cups yogurt and 1/4 cup milk. I mixed in 2 tsp of shredded coconut (major fear food till now), a mushed half a large banana leaving in some chunky bits. Stuck it all in the fridge to sit overnight and this is what I got in the morning.

It was ALMOST too sweet for me, the coconut really added that extra something I've been missing before. It doesn't look so pretty but is was amazingly creamy, thick and delicious.

(See how thick that is. And if you look closely you can see chunks of mushed banans in there- yummy yummy good for tummy)

And if you haven't tried avocado on toast with a sunny side up egg you are totally missing out on the good things in life.

Alright, I'm off to see a movie and enjoy a glass of sparkling white wine. Have a nice Saturday evening.

When's the last time you...?

When's the last time you went to a post office, and actually mailed a letter?

Or used one of these (or even saw one of these for that matter)?

When's the last time you bought honey from a place like this?









Or went to a farmers market that looked like this?

What can I say, I live in the coolest town ever. When you see fresh produce that is sold like that, or honey in unlabeled jars you know it's gotta be good.


Or ate something as good as this?

Cous cous cooked in broth with thyme infused chicken, mushrooms and broccoli.

Mini pita pockets (I made them all by myself :D) with tomatoes, cucumber, spiced chickpeas and a yogurt tzasiki sauce.

Recently I've been making an effort to really ENJOY and savor my food (you can read about my revelation here). So I've been trying to have one meal or snack a day that I put specially effort into. And yes, I do feel the need to brag about it just a bit, so you'll just have to excuse the food pictures.

I had a crazy busy day today : mailing a letter, shopping, lunch, paperwork, meetings, a job interview, writing a resume and finally getting here. It was a fun day though, and although I have a bunch of work lined up for me tomorrow, I will be going to sleep a happy girl.

(Hopefully though my oats tomorrow won't be bitter like they were today, because that nearly ruined my morning - mental note to self go easy on the vanilla essence. Nothing that a bit of creamy full fat yogurt couldn't salvage though. )

Take care all, and see you tomorrow.

What's the last odd thing you did recently?

Did you ever manage to ruin your oats?

My relationship with exercise.

I promised to detail my relationship with exercise in a post a while back. So I decided today was a good day to talk about it.

(This could be triggering for some people. If you are easily triggered by descriptions of other people's disordered behaviors don't read on.)

I've always been a sporty type of girl. I genuinely enjoyed the adrenalin rush you get from work out videos, sports and dancing. Before I knew what a scale was (basically) I spent at least an hour or so a day engaging in some kind of physical activity. Be it dancing, soccer or a long walk - I did it for the pleasure. There was rarely another motive involved. Obviously I knew exercise was healthy and kept you fit, but that's not really why I did it. I did it because it made me feel good and I enjoyed it.

I'd describe my relationship at this point as healthy.

Then I started becoming more weight conscious. My body started developing and I gained weight. At first I wasn't too concerned, but after a few people commenting that I'd "better start working out" I decided it was time to try to change my appearance. First it started off pretty innocently, although there were more and more days I'd FORCE myself to exercise, even if I didn't feel like it.

Then it started snowballing out of control. I HAD to exercise and hour each day, with only one "free day" a week. I would work out in the oddest times if I knew I was going to be busy that day. I didn't really restrict during that time, although I did try "dieting" on and off. I got to a stage where I would work out up to 3 hours a day if I had the time. That stage stopped after a short time, but anyone in their right minds could have told me that something was wrong and I wasn't heading on the right track.

Slowly but surely my "diet" got stricter and stricter and my exercise increased. At this point it varied from 1-2 hours a day. My food intake became more and more minimal, and usually my exercise schedule was dependent on it. At this point there were no "free days" unless I was sick or didn't eat that day.

Then my family did a mini "intervention" and I was forced to stop my restrictive eating habits. My exercise on the other hand, didn't change one bit. I upped my exercise in order to compensate for the added food. I stopped losing weight, and even gained some, but obviously my behavior was still very much disordered.

After a month or so of "normal" eating I slowly began restricting again. My exercise stayed at the same intensity, pretty much regardless of my eating habits. As my weight started dropping I was banned from exercise. I would still go for long walks and work out at night in my room. I wore weights around my ankles and would sit down as rarely as possible, just so I could "burn more calories".

I would say this is when my relationship with exercise was at it's worst point.

Then I was put into IP and wasn't allowed to exercise at all till I was nearly weight restored. Afterward I would exercise for about 30 minutes each day. For a normal person this would be healthy and even advisable, but my mentality was that I "HAD" to and that made it wrong. Then I started going to the gym, where I would work out for at least an hour a day. I was still eating "normally" so no one minded that much. I was advised to "take it easy" and "not push myself too hard", but somehow I always managed to allay the worries of those around me. But they were rightfully concerned, and deep inside my heart I knew it as well. I just didn't want to face the fact that I was slowly slipping backward, because I didn't want to stop.

After a while I got a job and had no time to go the gym anymore. But by then my food intake had dropped so low that I didn't even have enough energy to exercise, even if I had wanted to. I was waitressing, so standing on my feet for 6 hours a day, combined with early working hours and not enough food made me too tired to exercise. I figured that meant I was doing well. "I'm not exercising anymore" I would tell myself "This means I'm doing better, right?" Of course I was still losing weight, despite not exercising. Even as tired as I was on the days I had less working hours I would try to fit in some gym time. But for the most part I was just to physically fatigued to do anything of the sort.

Once I went into recovery the third time I was banned from exercise because of the critical weight I was at. Thankfully I was not as obsessive about my exercise habits as I had been before, because I hadn't been regularly working out in a while. What I struggled the most with was eating, as my stomach had gotten used to very small portions. I would still go on walks from time to time, and that was enough for me.

Now, looking back at my history with exercise I can say it's an area of my life I need to proceed with caution. At this point my struggles with food have lessened a great deal, but I catch myself wanting to do more then just walk and do yoga. Exercise DOES benefit me, because it definitely increases my appetite and helps my mood (endorphines and all that). But I need to bear in mind that it is easy for my to spiral out of control. Detailing my relationship with it helps me to clearly see my history, and where I'm coming from. I long for the day when I can have the same approach to exercise as I did when I was younger - when I would do it just for pleasure. Who knows, maybe someday?

Till then I still need to fight not to compare myself with others who can exercise more then me. I need to remember that my body is different, and I have a different history then they do. For some of us it's fine to add a bit more activity to our lives, to others it isn't. I just learn to be content with the fact that for now I need to go easy on myself and give my body the time it needs to heal. Then someday, when I'm in a better place, I can enjoy this aspect of life once again.

What's your relationship with exercise like? Do your past issues affect the way you see it now?

Just do it.

Today this slogan has been my motto. Last night after posting I had a terrible stomach ache. This morning for some reason my ED thoughts had a rampage. I felt fat, guilty, miserable and just plain nasty. I DID NOT want to eat breakfast, which is usually the easiest meal of the day for me. I felt anxious before I even got out of bed. I purposely didn't look in the mirror, because I knew how it would make me feel.

As much as I didn't want to, I ate breakfast. I'm not sure if this ever happens to any of you, but for some reason I had no appetite. I was hungry, but nothing about eating seemed appealing. I was depressed, grouchy and feeling blah all morning. But I forced myself to eat. I forced myself to go about my day. I forced myself not to exercise and to keep up that happy face. I didn't feel like it in the least - I just did it.

Surprisingly though, by the afternoon I felt much better. I went out, did some shopping, came back and organized the house, studied a bit and here I am now.

Yes, I could have restricted, I could have exercised, or engaged in some other ED behavior. There's no way to describe how appealing both of those prospects seemed at the time. On the flip side of the coin I didn't want to eat, I didn't want to get up and do my daily duties. But it didn't matter what I wanted and didn't want to do - I just did it.

Some days are just like that. You have to do the right thing despite what you feel like doing. Our lives can't be controlled by our impulses. You have to bite the bullet and just do what's best for you, regardless of how you feel.

So what are you waiting for:

Challenge update and yummy food :)

I'm now seven days into my ten day challenge (the one I decided to go on here) and I have to say I've learned a few things about myself through it.

Honestly, I wasn't sure what I was in for when I started. Treating myself like I would someone else would mean that all the "guilt" trips would have to go. Anything that I would force myself to do because I felt I "had" to would become very clear, very soon.

It's funny but once you develop an ED some habits become so ingrained in your head you think they are a part of you. You know, things you choose to do or not to do, your likes and dislikes - basically everything gets distorted.
An example - my ED convinced me for the longest of time I didn't like cheese or avocados. The truth was I was scarred of the fat content in those foods so I wouldn't let myself indulge. But for the longest of times I was convinced that I didn't like those foods, so I didn't even want to try them. After forcing myself to try them initially and having a few mental struggles I realized that I like avocados and cheese.

Hear that ED, I like cheese and I am not ashamed of that fact anymore!!!

Anyhow, back to my challenge. After a few days I came to the shocking realization that the thing I would "force" myself to do most often would be engage in some form of exercise. I would feel the need to go walking when I didn't actually want to, or do yoga although I was tired. As per my challenge I wouldn't do any of these things, but the thoughts that I should do them were most definitely there. This came as a surprise to me, because I always thought that exercise wasn't a problem for me. (in an upcoming post I'll detail my relation ship with exercise). I always thought it was more of a food thing. Turns out I don't have such a hard time eating, but I feel the need to compensate eating by exercising. Although at times I had to consiously allow myself certain indulgences, I'm doing pretty good on that front.


Speaking of indulgences, today was full of them. Check out what I baked today:




It's a yellow coconut cake. So simple but deliciouse (the recipie for it is here in case you're interested.) It was served with some chocolate pudding for flavor contrast, yummy!!!



And this afternoon I did something I was never able to do pre-ED. I made a pizza dinner for my family. This, my dear blog readers, is no small feat considering I have a family of nine and most of them are growing boys (and I think we all know what their appetite looks like). When I was deep in my ED, even spending that amount of time in the kitchen would cause extreme anxiety, not to mention I wouldn't even try to eat any of it.

Well today I was able to sit around the table and throughly enjoy my meal. I'm actually stuffed right now, but each bite was so worth it. I mean, who could resist something like this:

Coming out of the oven - a mixed pizza (1/4 eggplant mozzarella, 1/4 ham and mushrooms, 1/4 mixed cheeses and olives, 1/4 ham, olives.):



Another one already waiting to be eaten (mushroom, ham, cheese pizza):

I actually really enjoyed this meal. I didn't compare my portion size to others (it was rather hefty), I didn't fill up on veggies or water before hand. I ate what I wanted to, and it was 100% worth it (despite the slight stomach ache I have now).

I also realized that family meals mean so much more then just giving your body fuel. They also mean great company, pleasent conversations, lots of laughs and happy memories. These are all things I would miss out on if I was still entrapped in my old ways. Life is so much richer without them!

Hope you all enjoy the end of your week-end :P!

What did your ED convince you that you like/dislike that you've found isn't true?

Follow up post

Hi everyone!

I might be the weirdest person on the planet, but I'm not looking forward to the weekend. I guess my "work days" aren't exactly packed so the weekend comes around and I'm always left wondering "What's the big deal?" I'm honestly much happier being crazy busy then having the time to sit around and do nothing.

I've decided to do a follow up to my previous post, because I've had a mini-revelation since then.

I was really baffled by the whole snacking issue, because it seemed that I was eating way more then I actually needed. I'd often start off hungry and finish eating stuffed as opposed to comfortably full. Not only that, but my stomach has often been really bloated afterwards (bad balance of foods is my first guess). I knew something was wrong, so I decided to find out what.

I posted a thread on We Bite Back (a recovery forum I am a member of - I highly recommend it to anyone !) about this and someone replied with some interesting links about mindful eating.

I'm not saying here that I binge or overeat - because I don't. But reading through those links did open my eyes to a few important things.

- I tend to eat my snacks very quickly and "on the go". I rarely stop to enjoy what I eat and so it's easy for my body to get confused as to how much it actually needs. Another reason I eat quickly is that snacks are the only meals that still have "anxiety" attached to them as they are "extras" for most people and not really "required".

- I am (or rather was) in a bit of a food rut with my snacks. I would eat the same things each day - mainly because they were readily available and I don't usually feel like taking the time to eat something I really want. So instead of eating what I wanted or craved I'd just "eat whats there". As a result my stomach might be satisfied but my taste buds aren't and I am left feeling "hungry".

- If I make the effort to 1. enjoy my food more, 2. eat what I want, even if it takes a few extra minutes to prepare, I will be more in tune with my body. As a result I am less likely to "overeat" or be left with a bad feeling after snacks.

Since making the effort to do all of the above in the past few days I've really noticed an improvement. I feel GOOD after I eat, I eat just the right amount and have way fewer digestion issues then I did in times past.

Sometimes it takes a little extra effort to treat yourself and your body well, but it always pays off in the end.

What did you do recently to be "kind to yourself"?

In other news I've started a new blog. This one is more healthy eating/living oriented. If you want to , feel free to have a look : http://abiteofgoodness.blogspot.com/