What recovery means to me

Freedom:

- freedom from the constant, oppressing all encompassing fear; the fear that I will be forced to eat something I am uncomfortable with (basically anything), fear of binging, fear of gaining weight, fear of the inner demon inside of me

- freedom to dream, to have hopes and make plans for the future (without assuming I am going to die in a few years)

- freedom to do what I like, go where I please, spend time with the people I enjoy being with and do what I love without other demands on my time (2-3 hours of exercise)

- freedom to look in the mirror and say with confidence (that I may or may not yet completely feel, but that is growing by the day) "I am beautiful because I am me, and God doesn't make junk"

- freedom to treat myself and my body well

- freedom from the self-depreciating thoughts that used to run through my head like a mantra

Strength:

- strength to wake up and face another day

- strength to smile when I look in the mirror

- strength to ignore the destructive thoughts that run through my head

- strength to wait out anxiety and other negative emotions instead of using harmful coping mechanisms

- strength to fight when I feel I have already given it all I could

- strength to pick myself up when I fall, and try again

Peace:

- peace in knowing I am doing the right thing

- peace in knowing that there are people around me who love and support me

- peace in acceptance with the way I am

- peace in putting the past behind me and not letting it affect the way I view/treat myself

Hope:

- the hope that things will get better and easier from here on out

- hope that full recovery is possible and achievable, not just for others but for me

- hope that I can reach out and help others

- hope that I can offer to those that feel that recovery is impossible and that they are destined for a life of imprisonment and pain

- hope, that even though there are rainclouds, there is always a sun shining behind them


Fighting:

- fighting the thoughts that have been with me for so long they have almost become second nature

- fighting the urge to go back to the "comfort" and "security" of my old ways

- fighting some days just to get out of bed, or to take one bite

- fighting the ignorance and prejudice that people with ED's (myself included) are often treated with

- fighting, even during the days I feel it's not worth the effort

Pain:

- the physical pain that often comes with eating

- the emotional pain that comes from being able to experience emotions

- the pain the comes from not having an ED to numb it for you

- the pain that comes through people judging you for what you have let yourself become


Promise:

- the promise of having a normal, fulfilling life

- the promise of never being so bound in an ED again

- the promise of high self esteem and a deep respect for myself

- the promise of a future dream career

- the promise of a future family of my own

- the promise of never, ever even considering the option of relapse

- the promise of true, lasting happiness