New motivation.

Today I'm having a blah sort of day. There's a tummy flu going around and I am trying my very best to fight it off. So most of today consisted of lying down, eating very bland food and willing myself not to be sick.

Something productive that I WAS able to accomplish was looking up a list of potential universities I could send applications in to. This process requires a lot of deliberation because it means:

- I need to move out and find an apartment in the city the University is in

- Find a job to support myself

- Commit to spending 3+ years in this new location

Also I am waiting on some paperwork to even find out if I am eligible to apply to some of these faculties. It's exiting yet overwhelming at the same time. I don't think I've ever wanted anything quite as much as I want this. I feel like I have no back up plan in case this doesn't pan out. I look at myself 3 years down the line and I can't imagine having an office job, or working as a waitress, or having any run of the mill type job. Not that I wouldn't be willing to do it short time, mind you, because I would do almost anything in order to support myself short term. But

as far as I life long career path, I just don't see anything else.

Maybe it's stupid and naive to put all my dreams in one basket and say "this is the way I want my life to be". But I feel that after years of searching I've found something I want to do with my life. I feel like I have a purpose, a goal and I would do almost anything to reach that goal.

This also motivates me to pursue recovery with a new vengeance, knowing that I have to be in a good place physically and mentally in order to study. I can't be suffering memory lapses, or have problems concentrating, or constantly be obsessing about food. I don't intend to throw all the rules of healthy living up in the air and just "let myself go" so to speak. But I need to be able to grab a sandwich on the go without worrying about the fat/calorie content. I want to be able to go out with friends for pizza and a drink - regardless if I have exercised that day or not. I want to be free to continue on living my life in the way I want to, without this emotional/mental baggag

e weighing on me all the time.

So as of tomorrow I will challenge myself to step outside my comfort zone in some way. I'm not yet sure how I intend to do this just yet. All I know is this - I want to be healthy, I want a full, ED free life. And I'm going to do whatever it takes to get it.

When we are motivated by goals that have deep meaning, by dreams that need completion, by pure love that needs expressing, then we truly live life.

---

You measure the size of the accomplishment by the obstacles you had to overcome to reach your goals.

How I cope with anxiety.

I think anxiety is a topic that most of us are familiar with. I'm pretty sure everyone experiences it to some extent or another. Although I dare say most people don't have to deal with it at nearly the same proportions as we do.

I used my eating habits as a way to cope with my anxiety. Soon my eating disorder no longer was a coping mechanism as much as a source of that anxiety. If I didn't know exactly what time I would eat my next meal, where I would eat it, who would see me eating it, how many calories were in it etc. I would FREAK out. Cue major panic attacks.

At the beginning of my recovery I experienced some pretty severe anxiety. This was due to all the changes happening in my life at the time, the tension at home that was caused by my illness, and my reluctance to change my habits and mindsets. Now that I have moved on and made some serious steps of progress things are much better, but I still experience severe anxiety from time to time.

Today was one of those days. After lunch it seemed everything went wrong. I had to go out to town to take care of some important paperwork and other errands, but it seemed that nothing was working out as planned. I misplaced things, was running late, had to wait on other people. To top it off it was freezing cold outside, one office was closed and it turned out I had forgotten an important document that I was unable to complete the paperwork without. To comfort myself I went shopping only to end up buying something I was unhappy with. I never spend money on myself, and to buy something I don't like made an already bad day even worse. As I was walking home I felt the anxiety building. I got home just in time for snack. I quickly ate something, just so I could have it over with. Then ED thoughts started seeping in. "You weren't actually hungry, you shouldn't have eaten that! You scarfed that down like some starved animal. Why don't you get some control over yourself for once?" It seems that all my negative thoughts get even stronger when I am under stress or pressure or am feeling anxious so this was very difficult for me. Just then my parents started cooking dinner and just the thought of food was making my stress levels rise.

But I've learned that there are actually productive ways for me to cope with anxiety. Depending on what caused it I have different ways of dealing with it. Sometimes I try just blocking everything out and breathing deeply and slowly while listening to some soothing music. This works occasionally, but usually I am not able to keep those irritating voices out of my mind. What has also helped me in the past is doing some yoga. The fact that my body and mind are both engaged help me to feel better. And when all else fails I keep myself busy - usually it involves cleaning and organizing something. Occasionally a friendly conversation helps as well, but I often tend to become snappy and unpleasant at times like these. And since I can't explain why I choose to avoid most people. But doing something active really does work for me. It takes a while for the anxiety to fade, but it always does. In the meantime I try to focus my attention elsewhere. We can't keep the birds from flying over our heads, but we can keep them from building a nest there.

So what I have to show from todays anxiety is a clean room :D. I intend to go into town tomorrow to finish up the paperwork, and hopefully return/exchange the thing I bought. I was able to eat a proper dinner and right now I feel great. I have a sense of satisfaction at knowing I defied my ED once again. I'm planning an evening session of yoga (it helps me sleep) and maybe a good book or movie. Whatever the case I'm sure it'll be enjoyable and I'm looking forward to it.

Do you experience anxiety a lot and do you have any tricks/tips on coping with it?

An award.

A got an award.... at least I think I did (now that I wrote that I'm actually second guessing myself :P)

Katy awarded me with the Stylish Blogger Award and although I feel undeserving it does give me a topic for a post... so I'm just going to roll with it and push my doubts/insecurities to the side.

So here we go, seven things about me.

1. I absolutely LOVE organizing things. It can be anything, I am an organizational freak. People tell me I would be good in a management position because of it. The only problem is I don't like bossing people around, so I would probably die from overworking because I'd try to do everything myself.

2. I am NOT a cuddly pet person. My idea of an ideal pet would be a snake (yes I LIKE snakes) or a eagle or something (I had a pet falcon at one point). Don't ask me why, but purring, soft, fuzzy animals never did appeal to me.

3. I'd prefer to live in a big city then in a small village/town any day. I like/enjoy nature - but that's what holidays and vacations are for. I like the business and hustle and bustle of daily life in the city - I find it interesting and invigorating as opposed to stressful.

4. I love HOT weather. I cannot stand the cold in any way, shape or form. As a matter of fact I enjoyed the climate in the Philippines the best of any place I lived in. As far as places I visited - Southern France in the middle of summer. My ideal would be to live it a hot country and come to visit my family in Europe for Christmas (because for me a hot, palm tree Christmas just isn't the same as a snowy, white one).

5. I am hyperactive. I CONSTANTLY need to be doing something. I can sit still as long as my mind is engaged in some kind of productive activity. But I go absolutely loco if I can't do anything productive. So I can only take a maximum of 3 days off before I start looking for work (ok, who am I kidding, I already start feeling antsy after a day).

6. I prefer one-on-one conversations to big group settings. My idea of an enjoyable party is being with 2 or 3 close friends and just hanging out and doing something fun. Although once in a while I do enjoy the big, wild club type scene, I prefer the former.

7. I am a shy person. I have a hard time opening up to people and getting to know them. I also tend to feel very insecure in new situations and places. But once you get to know me I am a foolish, crazy, weird and wacky person. On first impression though you would describe me as the "quiet girl in the corner."

I want to pass this award on to these bloggers (which I believe are more then deserving).

- Daniel

- Coco

-Danielle

- Lisa

- Liz

Hope you all are enjoying the last few hours of the weekend (well, depending on when you read this and where you are). I have a family game night on the agenda, followed by some yoga and a good book.

Dialog in my head.

-"Look at you! You fat pig. You ate such a huge snack! What the hell is wrong with you anyways. Why don't you have any control over yourself and your diet anymore?"

- "I am not fat, I am BLOATED. There is a difference you know. And my snack wasn't so huge. It was a large apple, 2 rice crackers with cottage and cream cheese and some chickpeas. The fact that I chose to eat a few teaspoons of cream cheese plain does not make it a binge."

-" It was full fat remember. You didn't know that when you ate it, did you?"

- "No I didn't and guess what - it's ok. I didn't have much fat in my food today anyways, so this should about balance it out."

- "Look at you though. Your stomach looks distended. You must have eaten waaaay too much. "

- "I didn't okay. And even if I did, so what? One day of eating too much will not hurt me. People do it all the time and live to tell the tale. So I'll be ok."

(A few hours later when after some exercise.)

- "Look at your blubbery stomach. You should have worked out for much longer. You aren't fatigued, which means you didn't do enough."

- "You know, I work out because it's healthy to exercise, not because I want to lose weight."

- "Yeah , Yeah. But you do want to tone and gain muscle, right? For that you need to push yourself to the point of exhaustion."

- "I AM tired and I exercised enough. Any more would be obsessive and not because I want to but because you're telling me to. And in case you haven't noticed, I haven't followed your advice in a while."

- "Well, at least don't eat a proper dinner. You ate a HUGE snack remember. Besides you're not even THAT hungry. No one will care or even know if you ate or not."

- "I WILL know. And food is medicine and I need to eat to live. So hungry or not I will eat something substantial. So you might as well leave now, because I'm obviously not going to follow your advice. As a matter of fact I am going to take it a step further and refuse to examine myself in the mirror or even allow myself the time to analyze what you have to say. So shut up and leave me alone!"

This dialog hasn't finished yet, but I am ignoring the rest of it. My life is more then food and weight and exercise. This dialog in my head, although irritating, is harmless. Today is not the best of days, but tomorrow will be better, I know it. All I have to do is continue to make the right choices each moment of each day.

Good to be home.

So I'm back after what seems like a lifetime away. Seriously it feels like I've been gone for SO LONG. But I'm happy to be back, despite the noise and commotion and all it took to get here, it feels good to be home.

My trip back was one of the most exiting I've had in my life. And I've done a fair amount of travelling. Usually I end up making most trips with someone, and I honestly enjoy it better that way. At least you have someone to talk to, or watch your stuff while you ask for directions, or to vent your frustrations onto.

This time I was travelling alone, but I wasn't too worried. I've done it before, I figured I could do it again. Well after my bus was 30 minutes late I started to change my outlook on the situation. I asked my fellow passengers what was wrong, but no one seemed to know what was going on. So we waited, and waited and waited, braving the rain and unpleasant weather.

(I had a moment to take a picture so you could partake of the situation with me.)

Waiting for the bus to arrive.

How I felt at that point (a mixture of tired, frustrated and annoyed).

After an hour of waiting in the cold we found out our bus was delayed and would be there 4 hours late. It was already 9 PM so this was NOT a pleasant prospect. But to look on the bright side of things at least we were able to wait inside.

(At this point I wanted to take more pictures, but I was far too tired and had too much luggage that I needed to keep an eye on. But imagine a brightly lit terminal with people milling around.)

I realized just how fascinating people are. Observing them can be very interesting and informative. Terminals especially attract a wide variety of people. There was the cute girl next to me engrossed in her book, the ditsy over-dressed girls talking loudly about their makeup in the corner, the couple eating sandwiches behind me. Taking all this in made me realize how rich our lives really are. If we just take a moment too look around us we can find beauty and intrigue in everything. Watching people being greeted by loved ones - families, boyfriends, children - never ceased to bring a smile to my face. I felt so lucky I had a place to go home to, somewhere to call home. There was a place where I was loved and missed. And that thought made any inconvenience seem much more bearable.

The bus arrived and the rest of the trip was pretty uneventful. Well, if you don't call drunk people being rowdy on the seat behind you, or the older woman snoring in the seat in front of you eventful. Or the fact that the bus attendant lost a semi-important document that was inserted in my passport. Because of the traffic I also missed my other bus connection, but thankfully was able to postpone my reservation in time to catch the next one.

I do have a few tips though for those of you who are planning on travelling long distances in the near future. I wish I had adhered to these rules myself, because I believe they would have made things a whole lot more pleasant for me.

- Always be prepared for mishaps. Go by the motto that "Things that you plan don't happen and things happen that you don't plan".

- Don't freak out when things go wrong. When I first realized that my bus was delayed a million thoughts went through my head. "How would I catch my next connection? Would I be stranded somewhere? What if I didn't have enough money to get where I needed?" After a few frantic moments I realized worrying wouldn't get me anywhere. Whatever happened, happened and I was going to just take things as they come. And in the end it all worked out ok.

- Don't carry too much luggage. In my case this was unavoidable as I was bringing back late Christmas presents from my family. But travelling lighter would have saved me a lot of tiredness and stress, not to mention bruises on my legs from the bags banging against them. A good rule of thumb is only take as much as you can COMFORTABLY carry.

- Look on the bright side. This totally saved my sanity on this trip. I decided to entertain myself while waiting instead of bemoaning the fact that I would be late. I enjoyed looking out the window since I wasn't able to sleep all night long (due to the commotion in the bus). And when all else fails laugh when you feel like crying (something I had to do on more then one occasion).


Do you have any travel tales/tips to share?

The ups and downs.

Yesterday was my last official day on this trip. Today I will be heading home and I am NOT looking forward to the 16 + hour bus ride ahead of me. But everything worth something costs something so I am going to suck it up and not complain at all today. And this trip was so worth any inconvenience I might have experienced trying to get here.

Not to toot my own horn here, but I am proud of the way I was able to handle this trip. I'm not going to say it was completely ED thought free; because there have been ups and downs. Yesterday was a perfect example of that, but I'll get to it in a minute. Overall I did well. I faced a lot of fear foods, I stepped out of my comfort zone, I learned to be spur-of-the-moment and spontaneous without over thinking the situation. In the long run I'm coming out of this stronger and more confident then I came in and I am really proud of the progress I made.

I'm going to go on a tangent here, because I think it's really important that we (people with ED's) learn to be proud of any progress that we make. Our often perfectionist mentalities make us feel like we never do enough, that we are not doing well in recovery and blah blah. But that's all a bunch of hooey and hog wash (I love that phrase but never use it :P). Any step in the right direction is something worth celebrating and being proud of. It's much better to motivate yourself with a feeling of accomplishment as opposed to a feeling of guilt or inadequacy. Instead of beating ourselves up and saying "Oh, but I should have done this that and the other." we should be say "Look at all the things I've already accomplished and all I progress I've made. I can do this ! I'm going to push myself just a little harder today because I KNOW I am strong enough."

Ok, that is the end of my tangent, now onto my day yesterday. As I said before, it provided a perfect example about how recovery is full of ups and downs. People that expect it to be one or the other will probably end up having a rude awakening at some point, because not everything in life is black and white. Ok, now onto the events of the day. My friend had given me a whole set of fairly new jeans that didn't fit her. They came in a whole range of sizes so it was up to me which i decided to keep and which I deemed useless. I'm sure any girl can testify that trying on jeans can be a very mentally taxing activity, especially if you have any prior body issues. Well I can honestly say that I handled it very well. I approached it with a very scientific manner of "this fits and this doesn't" as opposed to looking at sizes and whatnot. What also helped was the fact that my friend was in the possession of many of these jeans because the sizes on them were mislabeled, so they couldn't be sold. But I came across a pair that were troublesome for me. They were a child's size and I decided to try to fit in them. I fit them perfectly, actually they were a little small. Of course my ED gloated at that fact that I fit them. But I decided not to keep them, because I know they would be a trigger for me. As much as I like free things (who doesn't) and they WERE nice I knew that I would become obsessed with fitting them which is NOT HEALTHY. I should NOT be able to wear a child's size (even though I am very short) and I intend to do all I can to rectify that situation. As a matter of fact all the jeans I did decide to keep I have to "grow into" which is actually an exiting prospect. As I was trying them on I kept thinking "Wow, these will look way better when I have a bigger butt". So I would call the whole jean fitting a positive experience.

Aforementioned "troublesome jeans"

I was going to meet up with a friend later on, but my bus was a bit early so I stopped in a mall to look around. Took a few goofy pictures in the dressing rooms for fun :P

Rocking the poncho look (the hat was what i was trying on :P)




Just the hat (I WAS bored, ok?)

Then came the down of the way. I had eaten an "early lunch" before I left and was very full for about 2 hours. But after that the hunger set in. I had a snack, but it didn't seem to help much. Then it seemed all my ED behaviors set back in. I kept walking into shops and picking up food items, but not buying them because I couldn't. In frustration I opted for a coffee which made me sick. In addition to that the whole "food dilemma" took so long that I was late for the meeting with my friend. This was a good reminder of how indulging and ED is just plain detrimental - it steals away your time from things that really matter and makes you frustrated and miserable.

Going to see this friend was a unique experience as well. This is the place I was put in IP and most of my friend from here have ED's. Some are recovering, others aren't. This one in particular was back in IP. She is underage so was in a child's ward, which has much stricter guild lines and policies then an adult ward would. I was only allowed to see her in visiting hours and she wasn't really allowed to go outside. This place always gives me a odd feeling, because I spent 3 months in the same ward. Actually we were there together, but now she is back. I remember far too well all the frustrations and mental hardships of being here, so I was happy to be able to be there for her. Talking to her made me realize also how far I'd come in my recovery. Although she is almost weight restored she said the voices and guilt are stronger then ever. I still have a ways to go on the weight front, but it is getting better and those voices and almost non-existent on most days. I am so happy to be finally committed to recovery and travelling on my own road there. I hope that in time my friend will have the inner strength to fight her own battles, because as we all know there is so much more to this illness then just the weight (which is primarily what they focus on in the hospital she's in).

I got home and ate a good dinner and enjoyed an evening with friends. It was a good ending to a good day. There were ups and downs, but I decided to end the day on a high note. I will miss everyone here, but I am looking forward to going home and moving on with my life. Things can only get better from here on out.

The scariest thing.

I don't like to think of myself as a fearful person. I much rather try to emulate the "dare devil" that dives into new thing and isn't afraid of anything or anyone. But the truth is that everyone has fears and things that scare them.

One of my biggest ED-related fears at the moment is binging. It's not actually the physical act of overeating that I am so scared of. It's not even the total loss of control you feel at that moment. I am scared of getting locked in the binge-purge cycle I was in before.

I am not and never was bulimic, but in the past I had a tendency to starve my body to such a degree that it would literally FORCE me to eat things I was not comfortable with. Usually it wasn't even all that much, just enough to make me feel guilty occasionally uncomfortably full. Then I would feel the panic mounting and my way of coping with that panic was purging. Although this would make me feel better in the short term it would start me on a cycle that I had to fight very hard to get out of.

Yesterday I had a "binge scare". All day it seemed like I was insatiably hungry. It might have to do with the fact that my eating schedule is somewhat out of whack because I am in a new place and busy so a lot of the time I end up missing out on a snack or two. Although I tell myself I make it up by eating more when I do finally get around to eating, I have a feeling that it's not entirely true.
Back to my story. I decided just to eat till I was full and try not to think about it too much. After all it's much better to do that then end up eating uncontrollably. But by the evening I was feeling pretty anxious and guilty. I planned on eating a lighter dinner but I was so hungry I ended up eating a larger one then I had anticipated. To top it off I started feeling really full. The panic set it and my mind raced. Before it got too far though I decided to get some control over my mind. These feelings of guilt and anxiety were just that - feelings- and as such they would pass. Purging was not an option. It isn't an option for normal people so it isn't an option for me. I opted for a hot bath and pretty soon the feeling of uncomfortable fullness passed. In hindsight I only ate slightly more then my usual amount, definitely not enough to consider a binge of any sort. It's just amazing how your mind can screw with you so much. I am so happy I didn't give in to my thoughts and just let those feelings pass.


Today I am struggling with some body image issues as well but I will NOT let them affect the way I act. I am writing down my food intake so I can accurately judge my intake, because in the moment my mind tends to distort things. I am stronger then this and I will beat it and have a great day!



Ed you might as well shut the hell up, cuz I ain't listening.