An award.

A got an award.... at least I think I did (now that I wrote that I'm actually second guessing myself :P)

Katy awarded me with the Stylish Blogger Award and although I feel undeserving it does give me a topic for a post... so I'm just going to roll with it and push my doubts/insecurities to the side.

So here we go, seven things about me.

1. I absolutely LOVE organizing things. It can be anything, I am an organizational freak. People tell me I would be good in a management position because of it. The only problem is I don't like bossing people around, so I would probably die from overworking because I'd try to do everything myself.

2. I am NOT a cuddly pet person. My idea of an ideal pet would be a snake (yes I LIKE snakes) or a eagle or something (I had a pet falcon at one point). Don't ask me why, but purring, soft, fuzzy animals never did appeal to me.

3. I'd prefer to live in a big city then in a small village/town any day. I like/enjoy nature - but that's what holidays and vacations are for. I like the business and hustle and bustle of daily life in the city - I find it interesting and invigorating as opposed to stressful.

4. I love HOT weather. I cannot stand the cold in any way, shape or form. As a matter of fact I enjoyed the climate in the Philippines the best of any place I lived in. As far as places I visited - Southern France in the middle of summer. My ideal would be to live it a hot country and come to visit my family in Europe for Christmas (because for me a hot, palm tree Christmas just isn't the same as a snowy, white one).

5. I am hyperactive. I CONSTANTLY need to be doing something. I can sit still as long as my mind is engaged in some kind of productive activity. But I go absolutely loco if I can't do anything productive. So I can only take a maximum of 3 days off before I start looking for work (ok, who am I kidding, I already start feeling antsy after a day).

6. I prefer one-on-one conversations to big group settings. My idea of an enjoyable party is being with 2 or 3 close friends and just hanging out and doing something fun. Although once in a while I do enjoy the big, wild club type scene, I prefer the former.

7. I am a shy person. I have a hard time opening up to people and getting to know them. I also tend to feel very insecure in new situations and places. But once you get to know me I am a foolish, crazy, weird and wacky person. On first impression though you would describe me as the "quiet girl in the corner."

I want to pass this award on to these bloggers (which I believe are more then deserving).

- Daniel

- Coco

-Danielle

- Lisa

- Liz

Hope you all are enjoying the last few hours of the weekend (well, depending on when you read this and where you are). I have a family game night on the agenda, followed by some yoga and a good book.

Dialog in my head.

-"Look at you! You fat pig. You ate such a huge snack! What the hell is wrong with you anyways. Why don't you have any control over yourself and your diet anymore?"

- "I am not fat, I am BLOATED. There is a difference you know. And my snack wasn't so huge. It was a large apple, 2 rice crackers with cottage and cream cheese and some chickpeas. The fact that I chose to eat a few teaspoons of cream cheese plain does not make it a binge."

-" It was full fat remember. You didn't know that when you ate it, did you?"

- "No I didn't and guess what - it's ok. I didn't have much fat in my food today anyways, so this should about balance it out."

- "Look at you though. Your stomach looks distended. You must have eaten waaaay too much. "

- "I didn't okay. And even if I did, so what? One day of eating too much will not hurt me. People do it all the time and live to tell the tale. So I'll be ok."

(A few hours later when after some exercise.)

- "Look at your blubbery stomach. You should have worked out for much longer. You aren't fatigued, which means you didn't do enough."

- "You know, I work out because it's healthy to exercise, not because I want to lose weight."

- "Yeah , Yeah. But you do want to tone and gain muscle, right? For that you need to push yourself to the point of exhaustion."

- "I AM tired and I exercised enough. Any more would be obsessive and not because I want to but because you're telling me to. And in case you haven't noticed, I haven't followed your advice in a while."

- "Well, at least don't eat a proper dinner. You ate a HUGE snack remember. Besides you're not even THAT hungry. No one will care or even know if you ate or not."

- "I WILL know. And food is medicine and I need to eat to live. So hungry or not I will eat something substantial. So you might as well leave now, because I'm obviously not going to follow your advice. As a matter of fact I am going to take it a step further and refuse to examine myself in the mirror or even allow myself the time to analyze what you have to say. So shut up and leave me alone!"

This dialog hasn't finished yet, but I am ignoring the rest of it. My life is more then food and weight and exercise. This dialog in my head, although irritating, is harmless. Today is not the best of days, but tomorrow will be better, I know it. All I have to do is continue to make the right choices each moment of each day.

Good to be home.

So I'm back after what seems like a lifetime away. Seriously it feels like I've been gone for SO LONG. But I'm happy to be back, despite the noise and commotion and all it took to get here, it feels good to be home.

My trip back was one of the most exiting I've had in my life. And I've done a fair amount of travelling. Usually I end up making most trips with someone, and I honestly enjoy it better that way. At least you have someone to talk to, or watch your stuff while you ask for directions, or to vent your frustrations onto.

This time I was travelling alone, but I wasn't too worried. I've done it before, I figured I could do it again. Well after my bus was 30 minutes late I started to change my outlook on the situation. I asked my fellow passengers what was wrong, but no one seemed to know what was going on. So we waited, and waited and waited, braving the rain and unpleasant weather.

(I had a moment to take a picture so you could partake of the situation with me.)

Waiting for the bus to arrive.

How I felt at that point (a mixture of tired, frustrated and annoyed).

After an hour of waiting in the cold we found out our bus was delayed and would be there 4 hours late. It was already 9 PM so this was NOT a pleasant prospect. But to look on the bright side of things at least we were able to wait inside.

(At this point I wanted to take more pictures, but I was far too tired and had too much luggage that I needed to keep an eye on. But imagine a brightly lit terminal with people milling around.)

I realized just how fascinating people are. Observing them can be very interesting and informative. Terminals especially attract a wide variety of people. There was the cute girl next to me engrossed in her book, the ditsy over-dressed girls talking loudly about their makeup in the corner, the couple eating sandwiches behind me. Taking all this in made me realize how rich our lives really are. If we just take a moment too look around us we can find beauty and intrigue in everything. Watching people being greeted by loved ones - families, boyfriends, children - never ceased to bring a smile to my face. I felt so lucky I had a place to go home to, somewhere to call home. There was a place where I was loved and missed. And that thought made any inconvenience seem much more bearable.

The bus arrived and the rest of the trip was pretty uneventful. Well, if you don't call drunk people being rowdy on the seat behind you, or the older woman snoring in the seat in front of you eventful. Or the fact that the bus attendant lost a semi-important document that was inserted in my passport. Because of the traffic I also missed my other bus connection, but thankfully was able to postpone my reservation in time to catch the next one.

I do have a few tips though for those of you who are planning on travelling long distances in the near future. I wish I had adhered to these rules myself, because I believe they would have made things a whole lot more pleasant for me.

- Always be prepared for mishaps. Go by the motto that "Things that you plan don't happen and things happen that you don't plan".

- Don't freak out when things go wrong. When I first realized that my bus was delayed a million thoughts went through my head. "How would I catch my next connection? Would I be stranded somewhere? What if I didn't have enough money to get where I needed?" After a few frantic moments I realized worrying wouldn't get me anywhere. Whatever happened, happened and I was going to just take things as they come. And in the end it all worked out ok.

- Don't carry too much luggage. In my case this was unavoidable as I was bringing back late Christmas presents from my family. But travelling lighter would have saved me a lot of tiredness and stress, not to mention bruises on my legs from the bags banging against them. A good rule of thumb is only take as much as you can COMFORTABLY carry.

- Look on the bright side. This totally saved my sanity on this trip. I decided to entertain myself while waiting instead of bemoaning the fact that I would be late. I enjoyed looking out the window since I wasn't able to sleep all night long (due to the commotion in the bus). And when all else fails laugh when you feel like crying (something I had to do on more then one occasion).


Do you have any travel tales/tips to share?

The ups and downs.

Yesterday was my last official day on this trip. Today I will be heading home and I am NOT looking forward to the 16 + hour bus ride ahead of me. But everything worth something costs something so I am going to suck it up and not complain at all today. And this trip was so worth any inconvenience I might have experienced trying to get here.

Not to toot my own horn here, but I am proud of the way I was able to handle this trip. I'm not going to say it was completely ED thought free; because there have been ups and downs. Yesterday was a perfect example of that, but I'll get to it in a minute. Overall I did well. I faced a lot of fear foods, I stepped out of my comfort zone, I learned to be spur-of-the-moment and spontaneous without over thinking the situation. In the long run I'm coming out of this stronger and more confident then I came in and I am really proud of the progress I made.

I'm going to go on a tangent here, because I think it's really important that we (people with ED's) learn to be proud of any progress that we make. Our often perfectionist mentalities make us feel like we never do enough, that we are not doing well in recovery and blah blah. But that's all a bunch of hooey and hog wash (I love that phrase but never use it :P). Any step in the right direction is something worth celebrating and being proud of. It's much better to motivate yourself with a feeling of accomplishment as opposed to a feeling of guilt or inadequacy. Instead of beating ourselves up and saying "Oh, but I should have done this that and the other." we should be say "Look at all the things I've already accomplished and all I progress I've made. I can do this ! I'm going to push myself just a little harder today because I KNOW I am strong enough."

Ok, that is the end of my tangent, now onto my day yesterday. As I said before, it provided a perfect example about how recovery is full of ups and downs. People that expect it to be one or the other will probably end up having a rude awakening at some point, because not everything in life is black and white. Ok, now onto the events of the day. My friend had given me a whole set of fairly new jeans that didn't fit her. They came in a whole range of sizes so it was up to me which i decided to keep and which I deemed useless. I'm sure any girl can testify that trying on jeans can be a very mentally taxing activity, especially if you have any prior body issues. Well I can honestly say that I handled it very well. I approached it with a very scientific manner of "this fits and this doesn't" as opposed to looking at sizes and whatnot. What also helped was the fact that my friend was in the possession of many of these jeans because the sizes on them were mislabeled, so they couldn't be sold. But I came across a pair that were troublesome for me. They were a child's size and I decided to try to fit in them. I fit them perfectly, actually they were a little small. Of course my ED gloated at that fact that I fit them. But I decided not to keep them, because I know they would be a trigger for me. As much as I like free things (who doesn't) and they WERE nice I knew that I would become obsessed with fitting them which is NOT HEALTHY. I should NOT be able to wear a child's size (even though I am very short) and I intend to do all I can to rectify that situation. As a matter of fact all the jeans I did decide to keep I have to "grow into" which is actually an exiting prospect. As I was trying them on I kept thinking "Wow, these will look way better when I have a bigger butt". So I would call the whole jean fitting a positive experience.

Aforementioned "troublesome jeans"

I was going to meet up with a friend later on, but my bus was a bit early so I stopped in a mall to look around. Took a few goofy pictures in the dressing rooms for fun :P

Rocking the poncho look (the hat was what i was trying on :P)




Just the hat (I WAS bored, ok?)

Then came the down of the way. I had eaten an "early lunch" before I left and was very full for about 2 hours. But after that the hunger set in. I had a snack, but it didn't seem to help much. Then it seemed all my ED behaviors set back in. I kept walking into shops and picking up food items, but not buying them because I couldn't. In frustration I opted for a coffee which made me sick. In addition to that the whole "food dilemma" took so long that I was late for the meeting with my friend. This was a good reminder of how indulging and ED is just plain detrimental - it steals away your time from things that really matter and makes you frustrated and miserable.

Going to see this friend was a unique experience as well. This is the place I was put in IP and most of my friend from here have ED's. Some are recovering, others aren't. This one in particular was back in IP. She is underage so was in a child's ward, which has much stricter guild lines and policies then an adult ward would. I was only allowed to see her in visiting hours and she wasn't really allowed to go outside. This place always gives me a odd feeling, because I spent 3 months in the same ward. Actually we were there together, but now she is back. I remember far too well all the frustrations and mental hardships of being here, so I was happy to be able to be there for her. Talking to her made me realize also how far I'd come in my recovery. Although she is almost weight restored she said the voices and guilt are stronger then ever. I still have a ways to go on the weight front, but it is getting better and those voices and almost non-existent on most days. I am so happy to be finally committed to recovery and travelling on my own road there. I hope that in time my friend will have the inner strength to fight her own battles, because as we all know there is so much more to this illness then just the weight (which is primarily what they focus on in the hospital she's in).

I got home and ate a good dinner and enjoyed an evening with friends. It was a good ending to a good day. There were ups and downs, but I decided to end the day on a high note. I will miss everyone here, but I am looking forward to going home and moving on with my life. Things can only get better from here on out.

The scariest thing.

I don't like to think of myself as a fearful person. I much rather try to emulate the "dare devil" that dives into new thing and isn't afraid of anything or anyone. But the truth is that everyone has fears and things that scare them.

One of my biggest ED-related fears at the moment is binging. It's not actually the physical act of overeating that I am so scared of. It's not even the total loss of control you feel at that moment. I am scared of getting locked in the binge-purge cycle I was in before.

I am not and never was bulimic, but in the past I had a tendency to starve my body to such a degree that it would literally FORCE me to eat things I was not comfortable with. Usually it wasn't even all that much, just enough to make me feel guilty occasionally uncomfortably full. Then I would feel the panic mounting and my way of coping with that panic was purging. Although this would make me feel better in the short term it would start me on a cycle that I had to fight very hard to get out of.

Yesterday I had a "binge scare". All day it seemed like I was insatiably hungry. It might have to do with the fact that my eating schedule is somewhat out of whack because I am in a new place and busy so a lot of the time I end up missing out on a snack or two. Although I tell myself I make it up by eating more when I do finally get around to eating, I have a feeling that it's not entirely true.
Back to my story. I decided just to eat till I was full and try not to think about it too much. After all it's much better to do that then end up eating uncontrollably. But by the evening I was feeling pretty anxious and guilty. I planned on eating a lighter dinner but I was so hungry I ended up eating a larger one then I had anticipated. To top it off I started feeling really full. The panic set it and my mind raced. Before it got too far though I decided to get some control over my mind. These feelings of guilt and anxiety were just that - feelings- and as such they would pass. Purging was not an option. It isn't an option for normal people so it isn't an option for me. I opted for a hot bath and pretty soon the feeling of uncomfortable fullness passed. In hindsight I only ate slightly more then my usual amount, definitely not enough to consider a binge of any sort. It's just amazing how your mind can screw with you so much. I am so happy I didn't give in to my thoughts and just let those feelings pass.


Today I am struggling with some body image issues as well but I will NOT let them affect the way I act. I am writing down my food intake so I can accurately judge my intake, because in the moment my mind tends to distort things. I am stronger then this and I will beat it and have a great day!



Ed you might as well shut the hell up, cuz I ain't listening.

The beauty in nature

Today was one of the first warmer days I've had since the beginning of winter. Right now I am lucky enough to be staying in a place that is located literally 2 minutes away from a forest. Now I am NOT a village girl and although I do enjoy nature I wouldn't trade it for the conveniences of living in a city. Travelling for an hour by bus to get to the nearest supermarket isn't my ideal. However today I felt like a walk in the fresh air so I got on my fuzzy boots, grabbed my camera and went out the door.

I meant to only take a few pictures until I realized that by trying to do so I was setting myself up for failure. Everything I came across seemed picture worth because it was all just so beautiful. Although my less then high-quality camera hardly captures it adequately I was simply blown away by all the beauty that surrounded me.




(I tried to stick to just a few pictures as I know scenery isn't the most exiting thing to photograph with a bad camera.)

It got me thinking about the whole creator-creation thing. I respect all those who have a view point that differs from mine, but I was just never able to accept the fact that this whole world and everything in it was just an accident or a freak of nature. Call it God, call it Energy, a Higher Power whatever you want to I believe that we were carefully designed and put on this earth for a reason. And I wondered why I can't view myself and my body with the same sense of awe and respect I do the rest of nature. For me to compare myself or put myself down is like a oak complaining it's not as skinny as a pine tree. When I put it that was it's extremely absurd and comical, yet I still compare myself to others. I want to learn to come to grips with myself as a unique, beautiful entity. My body is not the same as others and that's ok. I may have a bigger butt, or sturdier legs or not the perfect hourglass figure. So what?! Who decided that tall, slender girls with a perfect breast to hip ratio are the only ones that are beautiful? Beauty is variety, confidence and acceptance of who you are. I don't want to spend the rest of my life trying to fit someone else's description of
"pretty". I am who I am and I will learn to appreciate my uniqueness. I was carefully designed and I need to respect myself for that reason if no other. There is no one else in the world exactly like me and that is an awesome, amazing thought.

New Years resolutions.

Yes I know I've been somewhat MIA lately. But that's a good sign, believe it or not. The less time I spend in front of my computer the richer my social life is and the more actual productive stuff I get done during the day. This isn't to say that I don't think blogging is productive, I've actually had the mind to do it the past few days. But when it comes between me sitting in front of my computer or spending it with friends that I may or may not see for another year, I think the answer is pretty obvious.

I welcomed 2011 in a calm sort of way. I was feeling under the weather so I didn't drink and opted for a quiet evening talking to friends and watching movies. Who said every New Years Eve had to be a full scale, get-pissed-drunk type of party? Besides I had my share of craziness with a friend just the day before and I felt like I deserved some down time. It was relaxing and enjoyable non-the-less which is all that's important :D.


Ok now it's onto the New years resolutions. This theme might continue through a few posts because I have a feeling as time goes on and I have more time to think about what I really want to accomplish during this coming year, I will want to "add on" to this list. But here are a few things I know without a shadow of a doubt that I want to strive to achieve.

- Step out of my comfort zone more. This can be relating to trying new foods, to participating in new activities, being open to new situations and experiences. I feel I've lived a sheltered, cloistered life for so long (all of it being my own doing) that it's high time to break free.

- Be more social. I tend to lock myself in my little world that I only let a few select people into. I want to reach out more and let others get to know the "real" me. Sure, I do fear rejection and ridicule but I need to learn to be comfortable in my own skin irregardless of what people think of me.

- Become more confident with myself - body image, personality, abilities- the whole nine yards.

- Get into University or start working.

- Go to Venice.

- Pursue my dreams and do things I WANT to do as opposed to what I SHOULD do. I tend to be guided by a sense of duty as opposed to passion. I want to be involved in something I am passionate about, something that makes me exited to wake up in the morning. At the same times I am a realist and if I feel that a certain thing is beyond my grasp I don't even strive to achieve it. But it's time to put an end to that and shoot for the stars :D


I finally bought some batteries for my camera that will (fingers crossed) make it work. So hopefully there will be some more interesting picture posts in the near future. In the meantime I have a question for all of you. Are you a dreamer or more of a realist?