The beauty in nature

Today was one of the first warmer days I've had since the beginning of winter. Right now I am lucky enough to be staying in a place that is located literally 2 minutes away from a forest. Now I am NOT a village girl and although I do enjoy nature I wouldn't trade it for the conveniences of living in a city. Travelling for an hour by bus to get to the nearest supermarket isn't my ideal. However today I felt like a walk in the fresh air so I got on my fuzzy boots, grabbed my camera and went out the door.

I meant to only take a few pictures until I realized that by trying to do so I was setting myself up for failure. Everything I came across seemed picture worth because it was all just so beautiful. Although my less then high-quality camera hardly captures it adequately I was simply blown away by all the beauty that surrounded me.




(I tried to stick to just a few pictures as I know scenery isn't the most exiting thing to photograph with a bad camera.)

It got me thinking about the whole creator-creation thing. I respect all those who have a view point that differs from mine, but I was just never able to accept the fact that this whole world and everything in it was just an accident or a freak of nature. Call it God, call it Energy, a Higher Power whatever you want to I believe that we were carefully designed and put on this earth for a reason. And I wondered why I can't view myself and my body with the same sense of awe and respect I do the rest of nature. For me to compare myself or put myself down is like a oak complaining it's not as skinny as a pine tree. When I put it that was it's extremely absurd and comical, yet I still compare myself to others. I want to learn to come to grips with myself as a unique, beautiful entity. My body is not the same as others and that's ok. I may have a bigger butt, or sturdier legs or not the perfect hourglass figure. So what?! Who decided that tall, slender girls with a perfect breast to hip ratio are the only ones that are beautiful? Beauty is variety, confidence and acceptance of who you are. I don't want to spend the rest of my life trying to fit someone else's description of
"pretty". I am who I am and I will learn to appreciate my uniqueness. I was carefully designed and I need to respect myself for that reason if no other. There is no one else in the world exactly like me and that is an awesome, amazing thought.

New Years resolutions.

Yes I know I've been somewhat MIA lately. But that's a good sign, believe it or not. The less time I spend in front of my computer the richer my social life is and the more actual productive stuff I get done during the day. This isn't to say that I don't think blogging is productive, I've actually had the mind to do it the past few days. But when it comes between me sitting in front of my computer or spending it with friends that I may or may not see for another year, I think the answer is pretty obvious.

I welcomed 2011 in a calm sort of way. I was feeling under the weather so I didn't drink and opted for a quiet evening talking to friends and watching movies. Who said every New Years Eve had to be a full scale, get-pissed-drunk type of party? Besides I had my share of craziness with a friend just the day before and I felt like I deserved some down time. It was relaxing and enjoyable non-the-less which is all that's important :D.


Ok now it's onto the New years resolutions. This theme might continue through a few posts because I have a feeling as time goes on and I have more time to think about what I really want to accomplish during this coming year, I will want to "add on" to this list. But here are a few things I know without a shadow of a doubt that I want to strive to achieve.

- Step out of my comfort zone more. This can be relating to trying new foods, to participating in new activities, being open to new situations and experiences. I feel I've lived a sheltered, cloistered life for so long (all of it being my own doing) that it's high time to break free.

- Be more social. I tend to lock myself in my little world that I only let a few select people into. I want to reach out more and let others get to know the "real" me. Sure, I do fear rejection and ridicule but I need to learn to be comfortable in my own skin irregardless of what people think of me.

- Become more confident with myself - body image, personality, abilities- the whole nine yards.

- Get into University or start working.

- Go to Venice.

- Pursue my dreams and do things I WANT to do as opposed to what I SHOULD do. I tend to be guided by a sense of duty as opposed to passion. I want to be involved in something I am passionate about, something that makes me exited to wake up in the morning. At the same times I am a realist and if I feel that a certain thing is beyond my grasp I don't even strive to achieve it. But it's time to put an end to that and shoot for the stars :D


I finally bought some batteries for my camera that will (fingers crossed) make it work. So hopefully there will be some more interesting picture posts in the near future. In the meantime I have a question for all of you. Are you a dreamer or more of a realist?

Things I thought I'd never do.

I never thought I'd be able to:

- eat chocolate and deserts without guilt
- not plan all my meals
- relax and spend most of the day vegging around
- party with my friends without stressing about the calories I was taking in (weather through drinks or food)
- eat even though no one else was eating because I was hungry
- go out to eat without knowing exactly what I was having ahead of time
- LET LOOSE AND BE FREE

I spent the past 2 days with my friend in town. Her apartment is what used to be my ED's worst nightmare. No "safe foods" in sight, as a matter of fact there was very little food in the house at all. She works, so she eats most of her meals out or orders in. In her apartment there's very little to do aside from watch TV and just veg out. Not much physical activity going on there. But contrary to what I expected I'm enjoying every minute of this visit. We went out last night partying and had a blast. I drank a few mixed drinks and had a great time. We stayed out till 5 in the morning dancing and living it up. After coming home we slept most of the morning, looked at some old photos and watched a few movies. Then we went out to eat and had a coffee.After that I was still hungry and since there was no food in the house I went out and bought some. Just because she wasn't eating doesn't mean I couldn't. I used to be obsessed with comparing myself with other people and always making sure I was eating less then them or at least compensating by getting a lot of physical activity. But not anymore. If I need more fuel, well I'm going to get it weather I'm active that day or not. Right now I'm gearing myself up for another evening of fun. We're going to meet up with some of her friends and hang out. It's just so nice not to have a rigid food or exercise schedule controlling every decision you make. It's so liberating to forget yourself and enjoy the moment; just let loose. I used to always be so afraid of that, because I didn't want to do something I'd later regret. But I'm learning that you only live once and sometimes it's worth it just to forget some of those self-imposed rules and live it up. I believe there needs to be moderation; I believe in eating healthy and living a good lifestyle. But if I feel like sitting around all day and catching up with a friend or eating take our once in a while I should feel free to do so. It's so incredible to think that I believed I'd never be able to enjoy these simple things ever again. I'm so happy that I was wrong and I am living life to the full and loving every minute of it.

The trip so far.

The only thing I regret about this post is that I have no pictures to go with it. So much has happened, but unfortunately I don't have a camera to take photographic evidence, so my verbal account will have to be enough.

I spent the 22-23rd travelling between countries. The trip wasn't exactly relaxing, but overall everything went well and I arrived safely.
As soon as I arrived it was time for my first challenge- lunch. It was fish oven baked in olive oil. The amount of oil was almost overwhelming for me, but I refused to think about it too much and I just ate. And amazingly enough I was ok. There were a few thoughts sure enough, but I kept myself busy most of the time doing other things and with time those passed and I was able to fully enjoy myself.

Then came Christmas Eve dinner, the thing I had been fearing most about the entire trip. But even that was surprisingly manageable. On the table we had duck, a Greek salad, a cous-cous salad, roasted green beans in olive oil and classic German red-cabbage. Although all of these foods I was pretty uncomfortable with I managed to eat a well balanced meal WITHOUT ANY GUILT. I even had a glass of wine for desert. It was really lovely.
The following days were pretty much the same - I was faced with "scary foods" and a irregular schedule. But to be honest I'm enjoying every moment of this trip so far. I thought I wouldn't be strong enough, that there would be a lot of panic attacks and awkward situations. I can proudly say that so far so good. People are pretty understanding of my desire to eat healthy and I am also learning to enjoy "treats" such as chocolate, Christmas cookies and other such holiday goodies along with the delicious food that I might not consider 100% healthy. I do worry at time and am unsure of how I will handle certain situation. But the more I stop over-thinking everything and just throw myself into the situation the better things seem to be. It's really great to be able to enjoy life without an ED controlling your every move.

At times I can't help but think back to last years Christmas where all I managed to eat was a bowl of vegetable soup. I didn't even drink anything because I was scarred of the calories. Well those days are done and over now, and it feels so wonderful. It's great to be free!!

Hopefully I can get my camera up and running so I can have some pictures for you all. In the meantime enjoy the rest of the holidays and your family and friends!

Reappearing.

I know I've disappeared for a few days. But I needed the break, I needed to get my head straightened out and deal with a few issues.

But I'm back!

So let's see, what's new with me. I've decided to go visit my friends. After a few follow-up conversations they seemed quite realistic with their expectations of me, and I know that I need to challenged myself and get out of my "safe zone". I am apprehensive and nervous, but nothing ventured nothing gained, right?

And yesterday I celebrated my birthday. Nothing HUGE happened, but I had an enjoyable day. I went Christmas shopping in the morning, baked some Christmas cookies in the afternoon and drank champagne and mulled wine in the evening while watching a relaxing movie. There are simple joys that make you just as happy as a big wild party. And it's good to remember that from time to time. Also I realized just how loved and cared about I was, because an amazing amount of people remembered my birthday. I'm terrible at remembering other's birthdays though, it's something I need to work on.

Now I'm caught up in preparations for my upcoming trip. Since I'm travelling in between countries there's travelling arrangements to take care of, not to mention packing and all the other last minute things that add up. But I will be blogging and hopefully will put up some pictures of my trip once I have them.

ED yells at me sometimes that I'm making the wrong choice, that I will end up in a place where I am miserable and unhappy the whole time, that I will gain tons of weight and feel guilty. But you know what, I'm not listening. This is my life and I'm tired of living it in the prison cell of an ED. One thing that finalized my decision to go on this trip was a question I asked myself : "If I didn't have an ED, would I go?" The answer was "Yes!!!" So what's standing in my way? Absolutely nothing. I am free and I'm off to have a great time.

Hope you all are having a wonderful, enjoyable holiday season.

Am I strong enough?

Right now I'm faced with a very difficult decision.

This is somewhat related to my previous post in which I asked what my friends expectations of me were. And the answer was straight to the point - eat whatever we do. Unfortunately their tastes involve a lot of fast food and alcohol. And I don't know what to do.

Honestly thinking about it gave me an anxiety attack that still hasn't finished. I don't know what to do. I want to challenge my ED behaviors and go and enjoy myself, at the same time I'm not sure if I'm strong enough. In the past when I've tried to tackle something overwhelming too fast I ended up falling into a purge cycle that I desperately fought hard to break out of. Yet staying at home isn't good for me right now either.

So what is the right thing to do? I know this is something I have to find the answer to within myself but I was wondering if you have any experiences with this. Have you ever been faced with something that you were sure was impossible, but coped with it ok? On the flip side have you ever tackled too much at once with negative repercussions? I'd really appreciate hearing your experiences with this.

Thanks to everyone in advance.

I am not inferior!

Today someone did something that really hurt me.

As I mentioned in a previous post I was planning on going abroad to visit some friends for New Years. I was REALLY looking forward to this. Usually I try not to anticipate things too much, because I don't like being disappointed. But I really felt like this trip would do me a world of good, because I needed a break. I needed a change of scenery. I wanted to be around my friends, to laugh and have a good time, to forget the problems that await me at home and just enjoy life.
Well, those dreams were somewhat shattered today because I was talking to one of my friends and they told me that they had been discussing my arrival amongst themselves and “they were fine with it, but they don't want someone around who doesn't eat. So...”
Ouch! After hearing that I was stunned. It was a blow below the belt to say the least. For the first few seconds I was stunned and completely caught off guard. Then I realize the implications being made in that comment:
- ED was nothing more then a “stupid diet” I should just get over with
- despite all the progress I had made I still wasn't eating because a) I don't participate in late night eating/drinking binges, b) I still have a hard time with some foods, c) I don't eat fast foods or loads of sweets
- I was not important as a person, because they would be willing to be supportive at least for a short while if I mattered enough to them
It hit me so hard I actually started to cry. I'm just so tired of having to fight with my old mindsets and then have to deal with people's misconceptions of me. I guess I've just taken for granted that everyone is as supportive and understanding as my family and most of my friends. It was shocking reminder that the people that I consider “friends ” can be so ignorant and inconsiderate. But that's life.

I decided to be honest about my limitations. I wrote them an email telling them what I did and didn't feel comfortable with and left the decision as to weather they wanted me there or not up to them. Whatever their reply is at this point I am okay with it. Although in the beginning I was very disappointed now I have accepted the situation as it is. I will find a way to enjoy the New Year where I am. It's better to be in a surrounding where you feel understood and accepted then in a place where you are constantly criticized and judged.

This afternoon I was SO tempted to restrict. I felt unloved, unwanted and like a failure. I wanted some way to numb emotions welling up inside me. But I realized that denying myself food was not a mature way of coping. What kept running through my head was something someone once told me “People only make you feel as inferior as you let them”. Just because these people don't see how far I've come, and doesn't understand the progress I've made doesn't mean I have to take it out on myself. There are going to be plenty of people in life that are going to knock me down and try to make me feel inferior. But it's up to me as to whether I allow them to affect me or not. And I am NOT going let these people knock me down. I am going to prove them wrong.