The truth behind the "thin".

Going into IP was one of the most memorable events of my entire life. I don't mean this in a good way, but in the fact that I'll never forget it. I met some great people there, and I believe it was what I needed at the time being. There were a lot of things that I didn't agree with, treatment methods that were outdated, but that's not what I'm going to talk about.

The unit I was at was actually a general psychiatric ward, which meant we had a wide range of people with various psychological issues there. One of the most typical questions we were asked by fellow patients after our name and age were "What are you here for?" And the answer to that question was always followed with "Why?".

That question (although pretty inappropriate now that I think about it) struck a chord with me, because at the time I had never stopped to think about this aspect of my illness. It was just something I HAD to do. I didn't know why, I just did. So I set out to find out why. The psychiatrists did little to help in that aspect. Later on I was told that I would probably never discover the reason because it's a complex issue so I might as well not try.

I am not advocating the fact that you should understand your illness and all the reasons behind it perfectly before you try to recover. That's not the point. I've had a specialist tell me that even HE doesn't always know the answers, because this illness is so complex and varies from person to person. But I think discovering some of the reasons that brought you to this point can be helpful in aiding recovery or preventing a relapse.


I had my first driving experience today (on snow - talk about scary). And my instructor made a comment about how petite I was (in reference to my feet not touching the pedals). Anyhow that comment made me happier then it should have, and then I started analyzing why. Why petite? Why not curvy, or womanly, or anything else? I think I figured out the answer to that question, one that is definitely in some small way tied into why this illness had such power over me.

It's hard for me to say this because I don't talk about it, but I was in an abusive relationship. Most of my closest friends don't know this, and I have a hard time telling them. I feel like they wouldn't believe me, or think I'm making a big deal out of nothing. In a way I feel responsible for letting it go on as long as it did, and even letting it happen in the first place. But it happened and it did affect a lot of things - my self esteem, body image and general happiness.

After it ended is when my ED really took off. And I think one of the reasons I craved (and still crave to a certain extent) being petite is because I wanted to be protected. I longed for someone in my life who would stand up for me; someone who would defend me. I had been so hurt that I just wanted someone to protect me. I was tired of the tough" facade I carried around. I wanted to somehow let the people around me know that I had needs, that I wasn't as strong as I pretended to be. And somehow for me the physical tied in behind the mental.

I guess I need to learn to use my voice to communicate what I'm feeling. I'll be the first to admit that this is hard for me. I don't want to be a bother, and I don't want to be seen as "weak" or "needy". What I need to realize is that I am a person just like anyone else. And people need each other. It's ok for me not to be strong 100% of the time. It's ok for me to have issues, everyone does. It doesn't make me less of a person to have needs. We all do and it's ok. It's okay to be human.

Holiday cheer.

I am as relaxed as I could possibly be. Ok, not exactly, but pretty close. I just finished doing yoga, took a hot shower and am currently sitting in my Pjs with my comfy socks on, sipping glow wine tea (almost as good as the real thing, ALMOST) and listening to Christmas music. I feel good! For the first time in a while.

And here are the main perpetrators of my relaxing evening.


Glow wine tea (took the picture super fast, because I didn't want it to cool off)



Cozy socks (paired with my lovely fuchsia PJs - I HATE fuchsia by the way :P)


And my most favorite Christmas album (only because it takes me way back to my childhood)






I'm not going to lie and say the last few days were a walk in the park, because they weren't. But I'm fighting and I am trying my best to climb out of this dark place I found myself in. I've identified the reason for my frustration, which has translated in me wanting to go back to my ED coping mechanism. It's because I feel a lack of direction in my life, a sense of purpose. I am not exactly where I am of my own free will, a series of circumstances forced me here. Some of them were within my control, others weren't. Suffice it to say I don't feel happy living here. I feel lonely and secluded. I was thinking about my birthday and I realized I have no one but my family to celebrate it with. I do love my family a lot, but I need friends too, people I can just let my hair down and relax with. Even my psychologist tells me this. But as much as I reach out to people, it seems I can't find anyone to “click” with.
I do realize that just moping about this situation isn't going to make it any better. So I've made plans to visit some friends living abroad for New Years. That way I have something to look forward to. I am also going to make a list of goals I want to accomplish, and then divide them into what I can and can't accomplish living here. The things I can accomplish I will strive for, with a vengeance. And the rest I will put on the shelf for later, but still look for ways to realize them.

Another thing I have been lacking this year is the Christmas Cheer. Every year I long to feel the same sense of excitement and wonder I did as a kid. You know, that warm fuzzy feeling that just makes you happy. There's no way to describe it, yet I believe everyone has experienced it at some point in their lives. Usually I get at least a taste of it, a moment of happiness that I can cling to for the rest of the year. Even during the worst of my ED (last Christmas) there was Christmas Eve. But so far this year, the little spark is missing. I am (dare I say this out loud) dreading Christmas.

Let my explain why. Right now when I think about Christmas I'm not really thinking of a warm family affair, of feeling loved and “at home”. I'm thinking about the cooking, cleaning, stressful last minute shopping, relatives and all the gossip. To top it off I am feeling a little anxious about all the food involved. If it was just my family, it's a different story. But my relatives won't have the tact to not comment on my food, or constantly badger me about eating more. Actually a traditional Christmas here involves tasting 26 different dishes, and to me that's pretty intimidating. I remember actually eating so much I would make myself sick as a child, just trying to please everyone.
But I'm going of on a tangent here. The point of all this is that I realized why I was feeling so down. It's because I was thinking so much about MYSELF and the work I would have to do. Christmas is actually about giving and love. I firmly believe this.
This could partially be because of my upbringing. My parents are humanitarian aid workers and have been since I was born. We traveled from country to country, wherever they felt they could help the most. Usually us kids played at least small role in their work. Christmas was an especially “active” time for us. Almost all of my childhood memories of the holiday season involved performing or caroling for children in hospitals and orphanages, giving out donated presents for underprivileged children, or visiting old folks and letting them know that someone cared. As I grew up I still took part in these activities, although my role morphed into a more organizational one. But I was still always there to see the smiles on the children's faces, the gratefulness in the eyes of the parents who's dying child's life we had made a little better. These are things the money can never buy, and they bring a satisfaction that is unlike any other.

This was where most of my “Christmas cheer” came from. And I think I know why it's missing now. I'm so introspective at the moment I'm forgetting the whole meaning of Christmas. It sounds cliché but it my case it's true. So that is the first thing on my to-do list. This Christmas I will do some charity work. I'm already looking into what I can do, but nothing is decided yet. I'll let you know once I know for sure. But deep inside I know it's what I need to do to get my “Christmas spark” back. And to be honest I can't wait to get started.

Have you ever done charity work of any kind? If so, how does it affect you emotional well-being?

Hold me now.

Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge
And I'm thinkin
Maybe six feet ain't so far down

That chorus keeps running through my head. Possibly because those words ring strangely true right now. I feel like I'm slipping, falling. I see myself on the edge a cliff. All I see beneath me is blackness. The dark precipice beneath me terrifies me, so I scrape my nails against the rocks; praying, hoping, grasping, clawing, desperately trying to hold on. My facade hasn't crumbled yet, on the outside everything seems fine. I'm eating normally, I'm not over-exercising. Yet the mental battles are getting stronger then ever. Almost every meal brings a barrage of negative voices that refuse to leave no matter how much I try to block them out.

There are small visible signs too. I see them because I am looking for them, but the average person would never notice. I exercised yesterday, but not because I wanted to feel energized and happy. It was for another reason, a wrong reason. I was motivated by the negative image I saw in the mirror. I pushed myself because I felt I needed to. As far as the eating goes the changes are minimal - a little less of this or that. But after every meal I find myself feeling I ate too much, that I should have had less. And sometimes I wonder...... maybe six feet isn't so far down.

I know it is. I know I don't want to go back there. But I'm so tired of struggling. I'm tired of fighting so damn hard. I just want to let go of this facade of normalcy so people know I need help. But I can't because letting go would mean giving up. Letting go means she wins and I've determined to never let her win.

I just need something. I need a reason to keep fighting NOW. The future goals and benefits do have merit, but I need something to keep me going right now, this minute. I need someone to hold me, someone I can lean on...

Maybe this is a test like any other. Maybe it's because I have passed the previous ones, so it's time to move on. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger and I WILL NOT let this kill me.

And so I thank whoever rules our lives and plans our destinies for giving me this opportunity to become even stronger. Even as I struggle to hold back the tears I know someday I will be able to look back and smile. I will be genuinely grateful that I was allowed to go though all this, because it has made me into who I am. And who knows, maybe I'll be able to help others along the way.

People can only help you as much as you let them.

Today I had an epiphany. I love that word, it sounds so high and might but what it really means in my case is that I thought of something obvious :P

I was thinking recently about all the medical professionals I've come in contact with in the past, and what our relationship/interactions were like. I came to the conclusion that they were all fairly nice people (with a few exceptions), but they didn't help me very much. In the past I took that to mean that all medical professionals are there for in ED recovery is to keep you from slipping back too far, or putting you in IP if you need it. But I came to a different conclusion today.

They didn't help me because I didn't LET them help me. Sure, some of them didn't even bother, they treated me like a “case” instead of a person. They didn't have any personal touch whatsoever and when I was around them I felt like a bother. So they offered very little and I in turn was able to accept very little from them. But there were others that offered much more and I was the one to blame for not being willing to receive it. I listened to their advice but was convinced that I knew better, and so I didn't even bother following the assignments they put out for me.

Right now the psychologist I'm seeing is a different story. I'm following more of her suggestions then I have any other professional I have come in contact with. Sure, not all of them are applicable because she has no experience in dealing with patients with EDs, so there are some things she misunderstands or doesn't tackle appropriately. On the other hand she is just a human being, and I don't expect her to be God and have a “magic solution” for my problems. What she has been able to offer me however is a different perspective on myself. She offers insight into how others see me and my situation. She gives me different exercises that help with my self-image, anxiety and other such issues.

The truth is she has helped me more then any other specialist I have come in contact with. This is not because she has the most experience, because she doesn't. I have dealt with psychiatrists that were considered the best ED specialists in the entire country and yet dealing with them didn't benefit me in any way. That's partially because I didn't allow myself to be helped. I didn't allow myself to open up and be honest with them. I refused to let down my front of “I'm in control and I have a handle on my life”. I didn't let them see the real me – the scarred, confused, unhappy girl. I didn't trust that they could help me so I didn't even let myself be helped. On the other side of the coin I wanted them to magically “heal me”, I figured (and in some twisted way this made sense to me at the time) that if they were so “good” at what they did they would somehow telepathically know what I needed and help me. So I relied on their words of assurance and determination to get me though each day. Once I stopped seeing them the “motivation” I had faded, because it was never mine own. I had to be pushed and prodded and encouraged and cheered. I gained a satisfaction of my accomplishments by their praises, not from an internal source. So once they were gone there was little left to keep me from slipping back.

Now I look back and wonder if things would have been different if I had allowed myself to be helped. Maybe I would never have relapsed. Maybe my life would be completely different by now. On the other hand perhaps nothing would have changed. I do believe that life is a school and everything that happens to us happens for a reason; to teach us something or help us to grow. And I have learned a lot through this experience; lessons that I could not have learned any other way. I have learned to celebrate my victories and get up when I fall. I have learned how much inner strength I really have. But I wonder what would have happened had I traveled down the right road the first time.

So give medical professionals a chance if you are like me – a cynical and somewhat “closed” person. On the other side of the coin if you expect them to “heal you” you're setting yourself up for failure as well. They are only humans, they can't read your mind or force you to do anything. You need to determine to fight for yourself, to try to take what they give you and use it to the best of you ability. Everyone has something to offer, we just need to choose to accept it.

A good day

So I decided to share with everyone the product of yesterdays "present to me". It was actually amazingly refreshing to do something that I WANT as opposed to what I felt I should do. I really enjoyed myself. And here is what I did:

I carved out the one on the left (the framed wolf on the right I did when I was in IP). In case anyone is wondering I'm not a crocodile fan, but someone gave it to me and I figured, why not? I started it a while back, but because carving out the whole thing is a really time consuming venture, I never finished it. Well I did last night. I turned on some music and just relaxed. I forgot how much I enjoyed arts and crafts. I was actually feeling sick at the time (something has been seriously wrong with my stomach these past few days) and there was a lot on my mind (not exactly positive stuff, if you know what I mean). But by the time I finished I felt very relaxed and well.... good :).

Today was pretty fun as well. I was able to go out and buy winter shoes. We have snow up to our knees and I only got around to buying them now (because I'm crazy like that). But I'm really happy I got these because they are oh so warm and cozy. I would walk around with them in the house if I could, but I'm pretty sure I would get some weird looks.

And I did some really intense exercises today. Wait, before you start telling me to take it easy on myself I will tell you that it was absolutely necessary that I do these exercises today. Not only was it a "must" but this is a form of exercise that I particularly enjoy.

Today I vigorously exercised my "Christmas present wrapping skills".

These babies were followed by about 10-15 more, but I was too lazy to take pictures at the end of it. I wish I could say all the presents were from me, but the truth was I offered to wrap some from my other family members. I just had Christmas in my bones today.

But do you know what I think guaranteed that today was going to be a good day. Right after I opened my eyes I felt an overwhelming sense of thankfulness that I was alive and that I had been granted to opportunity to face a new day. I began to think of all the great things I had in my life - a warm house, a caring family, good food, a comfortable bed. I smiled and said to myself "Today is going to be a good day". And it was!

Early Christmas present.

December is a wonderful time of year. Despite the snow, the cold and the throngs of Christmas shoppers a lot of great things happen - my birthday, Christmas, New Years. There's a lot going on and a lot of fun to be had.

This year I decided to treat myself to an early Christmas/birthday present. I decided that each day I would take the time to allow myself to do something I generally enjoy and savor the experience to the full. This will be "me" time, something I do EVERY day without fail and no matter what is happening around me.

If you're reading this you might be under the impression that I don't ever have any free time. This isn't true. I don't have A LOT of free time, but that's fine with me because I don't like sitting around, twiddling my thumbs and counting the seconds till the next hour.
What I am lacking in however, is undisturbed free time and permission to enjoy that time. Whenever I do something that is just for "me", that isn't work or helpful to someone else in some way, I feel guilty. I immediately start looking around for something "productive" to do.

But guess what, it's ok to be nice to yourself! It's ok to spoil yourself once in a while. You need to realize that you are important - more important then the work that you do, more important then the things you are able to accomplish with your time. For so long I struggled with the feeling that I was only appreciated and liked because of my work ethic. I would push myself so hard in a mad attempt to "earn" others friendship and love. However I'm slowly realizing that people like me who I am, and not what I do.


It's also fairly common for me to take care of others to the neglect of myself and my own needs. I purposely give up on my plans, programs, desires and needs in favor of others. While this in itself can be considered a noble and unselfish gesture, in my case it's not always so positive. I feel "unworthy" of standing up for myself and my needs. I feel like I don't "deserve" some of the things that other people do. I've come to realize this reasoning is WRONG. I am just as important as other people. And if there is something that I need, I shouldn't be afraid to let that be known.

So that's why I'm giving myself this "Christmas present" . It's so I can learn to treat myself well. It's so I can put that ugly voice in my head that tells me I am unworthy, insignificant and undeserving in it's place. I know this is the same voice that used to tell me I'm unworthy of food and rest, that I needed to push myself to the limit and beyond. And last I checked I wasn't listening to that voice any more.

This isn't to say I will become a totally self-obsessed person and refuse to give up my plans in order to help someone else. I will still do this as often as I am able. But when I am honestly not able, I will speak up and say something. This will take practice, as I am used to keeping my feelings inside. But if I want to move forward and make progress I need to accept this present to me.



So Merry Christmas L. Enjoy your present today!

Fake it till you make it.

First off, I would like to thank you all SO MUCH for all your encouragement after I put up those pictures. Honestly, it was a really difficult thing for me to do. People could think I was doing it just to "fish" for compliments, but for me it was actually something that I had to almost "force" myself to do. I still almost cringe when I look back at that post and more specifically those pictures.

Let's face it, I've never felt pretty. For as long as I can remember I used to look in the mirror and pick myself apart. I noticed every flaw, every imperfection. I took mental notes of all the things I would change if I could. Actually, there were very few things about myself that I wouldn't change, given the chance.

Maybe not change as much as perfect or modify. I wanted to have so-and-so's lips, so and so's great body, so-and so's complexion. I was/am a chronic comparer. I'm constantly measuring myself up against others. This isn't just confined to looks either. We're talking about personality, abilities, experiences, lives. I guess you could just say I felt a lot of the times I got the raw deal in life. Sure, there are people that have it worse then me, but it seemed like so many other people had it so much better. Or they have/don't have something that would make my life almost perfect.

I have a friend though, who taught me something very important along these lines. When I first met her I thought she was the most confident person on the planet. Actually, her confidence bordered on being cocky or conceited. It seemed like nothing and no one could make her feel inferior. I really admired this trait in her. And I wasn't the only one. It seemed every where she went she was surrounded by people; people eager to get to know her and spend time with her. Of course, there were also those individuals who were jealous; the ones who called her proud and self-obsessed. But in reality she was none of these things. She was simply comfortable with who she was and didn't want to change anything about herself. She was perfectly content. Or so I thought....

I remember one day in particular that changed my perception of her dramatically. We had known each other for about 3 months and we were getting ready to go out together. She was standing in front of the mirror, trying to decide what to wear. She looked at her reflection and shook her head sadly. "Nothing looks right on me today. I wish I had better ...." I looked at her, nothing less then shocked. Had I heard correctly? Was the queen of "if you don't like me, deal with it" actually insecure about the way she looked? I was so intrigued that I decided to ask her - "So you actually don't like....? I thought you liked every part of your body." She laughed. "No way! There are plenty of things I would change if I could. But I can't. So what's the use in moaning about what you don't have, instead of accentuating and appreciating what you DO have." I was still baffled "I thought you were confident about the way you looked." "I am" she replied "confidence doesn't mean thinking you're perfect. The secret is not thinking about your imperfections. Then other people don't notice them either."

I was thinking about this friend recently and wishing I could be more like her. But a lot of time has passed since we've seen each other (she lives on another continent) and I developed an ED. Anyone that has an ED knows that it is NOT a confidence booster. As a matter of fact it knocks down any little self-confidence you may have left and locks you in an unending cycle of striving for contentment with yourself and your body. The sad thing is you are NEVER good enough. The thinner you are, the thinner you have to be. Then you get TOO THIN and you know you don't look good, but you feel like you can't do anything to change that. And it's an unending cycle.

I decided that it's time to turn over a new leaf. It's time for me to become a content and confident person. This will not be an overnight process and thinking about it at the moment makes me feel overwhelmed, like it's a goal thats too big and too bold. But in reality I KNOW I have it in me to change. It will take many small steps taken over a long period of time. There will be times I will be tempted to give up because this goes against my very nature. But I'll just have to "fake it till I make it". My friend didn't feel confident 100% of the time, but sure made me believe it. And that's what I'm going to do. From now on I will do all in my power to not let any self-depreciating comments come out of my mouth, regardless of how I do/don't feel that day. That goes for negating compliments as well - something I also have a tendency to do. Not only that, I will look in the mirror every morning and say something positive about myself - "I like ...." If I can't think of anything (and I have days like this) I will simply say "I am beautiful because I am me, and God doesn't make junk". It won't be easy and it'll take a lot of inner strength and will power, but I believe I have it in me.

I was already tempted with plenty of negative thoughts today. I went for my weekly appointment with my psychologist and during the course of the conversation she said "You're face really filled out since I first met you. Your bones don't stick out like they used to, and you have dimples when you smile." Ouch, that was a difficult compliment for me to take. My mind automatically transformed it into "You're getting fat. You're going to be a chubby little fluff-ball by the time this is over". But I fought those thoughts and decided to focus on the next part of the compliment (the one ED tried desperately to block out) "You look so much prettier now then you did then. You have a classic beauty about you." ED tried to distort even that by telling me that classic meant common, that there was nothing unique about me anymore. How stupid is that! It actually make me incredulously amused at how the negative side of my brain can translate literally ANYTHING into something negative. So guess what, I'm just going to shut down and not listen to it any more. I look like a healthy (NOT fat) woman, not someone from a concentration camp. And that is a good thing. Inside me I KNOW I look better now then I did then. So I'm going to force myself to believe it, even if my mind does argue with that fact.

I think I have my goals set out for me. It's not going to be easy, but it will be so worth it. I hope someday my attitude will be so different in regards to myself that I will be literally unrecognizable to some people I knew from the past. I want people to ask me what happened; how am I so different. And I don't want to just act different, but be different.

That day is coming, but for now I will just "fake it till I make it".