Be part of the solution.

Just wanted to let you all know that I made it through the very rough patch I've been having these past few days and hopefully the worst is behind me. The breakthrough came about a few night ago after dinner. I was sitting there, basically letting my ED thoughts run wild and feeling sorry for myself. And then I said “Enough!” Enough of letting my mind be overrun by these thoughts. Enough making up excuses as to why I'm doing poorly. This is my battle and no one is going to fight it for me. I have to get up, brush off the dust, wipe away the tears and fight for myself.

Unfortunately as much as I would love to say that things have been easy from that time on, they honestly haven't. Today I faced one of my biggest triggers. I'm not triggered by magazines, weight loss stories and comments half as much as I am triggered by this.
As a prelude I think I should mention that I am a very sensitive person. You won't know this when you first meet me, and you might never figure it out if you know me only as an acquaintance. But all my good friends know that I am a very caring, concerned individual. If someone close to me is in pain and hurting (physically or emotionally) it affects me in a very big way. If there is even a SLIGHT possibility that it's my fault I take the blame, and feel horribly guilty. If it's not in any way related to me I try my best to help, but usually end up feeling helpless and sad that I can't do more. Yes I realize I can't take the world's pain on my shoulders, but that's just the way I am.
So in regards to that my biggest trigger is someone in my family. They have battled with severe depression in the past, and although the worst is over, it still crops up every now and then. The way this person copes with their depression is particularly triggering for me – they don't eat for days on end and they “lash” out at anyone in their path. This is hard for me to be around because I usually assume it was my fault, that I somehow contributed to the way they were feeling or didn't do what I could to prevent it. Their hostile attitude towards everyone during this time does little to reassure me. To top it off my way of dealing with negative emotions is also to stop eating, so seeing them engage in this behavior justifies it in my mind.
Today I was faced with this person and their depression ALL DAY. Not only that, but it escalated into a very confrontational situation at lunch. ( I should also probably mention that I am an extremely non-confrontational person). I looked at the food in front of me and wanted to cry. The last thing I felt like doing was putting it in my mouth. All the tension and negative emotions in the air were just too much for me to cope with.
But then I realized that I could not change the situation by not eating. I am not responsible for the way this person acts. But I am responsible for myself. A trigger is not an excuse to give up. I cannot change the world, I cannot make the situation magically change into what I want it to be. Yes maybe this person is someone I look up to a great deal, and their behavior isn't what it should be. But is that a good enough reason for me to resort to the same methods of coping? No.

What I'm trying to say here is you are responsible for yourself. This can relate to recovery, to the way you deal with problems or the way you cope with difficult situations that cross your path. You are NOT responsible for what happens around you but you ARE responsible for the way you REACT to what happens around you. You may not be able to change the world, but you can change yourself and if you are strong enough to do so, you will be making your personal world a better place.

I've decided that I don't want to be part of the problem. I am going to be part of the solution. I am going to be strong enough to not allow things that others say and do affect me. I'm going to be the stable one in the family, the one people can lean on and share their burdens without worrying that I will crumble under them. Because I have choice – to fight or to surrender; to win or to lose. I choose to win.

(…and sorry Ana, but you lose.)

Tired of always being strong.

I am all for positivity in recovery. I hate moping and dumping my problems on other people. I like to be the one that always has everything under control, that deals with her problems in an effective discreet manner. As one of my friends told me a while back “Either you are an incredibly positive person, or I'm really insensitive because I NEVER see you in a bad mood.” I like having that reputation. But there are some days I wish I had someone close that understands me, I wish I had someone I could just “dump” all my feelings and emotions on and not feel guilty about it. I wish I had someone near me who would hold me and tell me that everything was going to be OK. This isn't to say that I'm not surrounded by wonderful people. But there's no one near me that will understand me and what I'm going through right now without judging me, or trying to “help”. All I need right now is someone to listen to me.

And what am I going through right now? I'm not sure myself. I think is has to do with my weigh in yesterday. Well, not only my weigh in, but the reflection that stares back at me from my mirror every morning. I've started gaining at a rather rapid pace, and my body is changing. The weight is conglomerating around my stomach; and although this is normal and to be expected it's still hard. It's hard for me to wake up in the morning and say “Look how much nicer you look with a bit more weight on you.” I know this is a stage and that it will even out in the end. But in the back of my mind there is the worry “What if this doesn't even out?” I feel so ugly right now, like some kind of mutated alien and I just want it to stop. I want the voices, the negative emotions, to disappear. I want to feel happy I'm recovering, I want to feel positive and full of life and vigor.

I won't give up, I can't give up. But for the first time in a long time I feel weak. I feel like someone just knocked the wind out of me, and I'm struggling to breathe. Now every bite I take is accompanied by my ED's voice shouting at how it's making me FAT. I'm tempted to skip meals, to downsize my portions, to placate the voice in my head.
I WILL not do any of these things, because it's not worth it. They will only temporarily make me happy, and then I will feel the need to do more, to restrict more and ultimately to hurt myself more. I DO NOT need to listen to the voice in my head. I just need to wait them out till they pass.

I just need some support right now. I need someone to tell me that this will pass, that it won't be this way forever. I need someone to remind me that I'm doing the right thing, and I need to keep doing the right thing.

I'm sorry for the whiny tone of this post. I hope tomorrow will be a better day, that the voices will fade and I will be happy again. Tomorrow is a new day and with it comes a promise of new and better things.

I will be strong. I will hold on just a little bit longer, because I believe. I believe that there is a better way to live. I believe the pain and discomfort I feel is temporary and that it will pass. And I believe that I can overcome this ED. And I believe I will never regret my choice to do so.

This song is giving me strength right now: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q-8ez6dGao8


Please keep me in your thoughts, and cross your fingers I will get through this.

Trust your body!

I think one of the most significant steps I've made during my second recovery is learning to trust my body. This is something that IP could not, did not teach me in the slightest. When I left IP I was still scared of my hunger, scared of my cravings. Basically I was scared of my body. I felt that if I just let myself eat whatever I wanted I would never stop, my weight would balloon up and I'd be left fat and unhappy. So I restricted, then started purging because my body FORCED me to eat something I wasn't comfortable with, then restricted some more. This continued till I was all the way back to where I started.
I'm happy to say that now things are so much different. Starting this recovery journey I still controlled my body very carefully with set portions and carefully counted calories. I would NEVER allow myself to eat any more then I had "planned" for the day. No changes or substitutes were acceptable either. On the reverse side I would sometimes force myself to eat, even though I knew that a certain food would make me ill. I know in re-feeding feeling overfull is "par for the course", but occasionally I would take this to the extreme.

Then came the day I discovered the idea of intuitive eating. It came about as a post on someones recovery blog. Slowly, tentatively I stopped planning set amount and portions and listening to my hunger. I still messed up sometimes, because I would panic at my bodies reactions to food and limit my intake, or I would let myself get so busy I'd forget to eat. But as I let go of my fears one by one I discovered something wonderful. For one, my body won't overeat if I feed it properly every day and don't let myself get too hungry. I used to have a problem with this because I would eat too little throughout the day and then eat a BIG meal, which resulted in a lot of pain and guilt. I'm no longer in constant fear of that happening and it hasn't in a long time. For two, I will not gain massive amounts of weight from moderate portions of "forbidden foods". Actually I am eating a lot of previously "forbidden foods" and actually have to struggle to gain weight. Another thing I learned is that I won't "binge" on a forbidden food if I choose to eat it. It used to be a major fear of mine that once I started eating, let's say cheese, I would eat the whole block as opposed to one slice.
I'm slowly learning to trust my body to take what it needs. It's not some "evil machine" that needs to be kept under control. It's the vehicle that enables me to accomplish what I want to in life, and it's my job to take care of it properly and give it fuel. Usually what I crave is what I need, and when I suppress those cravings is when things get out of whack. The other day I ate normally, but ended up eating a larger then usual, higher fat dinner (think avocados, cheese and hummus). I was almost tempted to feel guilty, but I pushed my thoughts to the side and figured that if I had really been craving that, I must have needed it for some reason. Thinking back on the days intake I realized i had an extra small snack and had been out in the cold for a long time prior to eating. No wonder my body needed fuel! And here I was attempting to tell myself that it was unnecessary.

I guess what I'm saying here is be nice to yourself and treat your body well. Think of it as a really expensive car. You wouldn't let your car run on empty because "you don't have time to fill it up". It would stop running after a while if you did that. You wouldn't try to pour water instead of gas into it either, just because it's "cheaper". You'd totally ruin your engine that way. No, if you had an expensive car you'd treat it the best way you possibly could and keep it in pristine condition. Well your body is more priceless then any car, and more importantly it's the only one you've got. You can't just "buy a new one" if this one breaks down. So treat it well, give it what it needs; and it won't let you down.



There should be no difference in the way you treat this:




and the way you treat this:

An almost stolen victory.

Today I managed to accomplish something I thought I would never do. And I also came to a rather sobering realization. But before I get into all the details I'll start with a bit of background.
All of us have the fear food of all fear foods, the one thing that we just won't eat. It could even be a food we never really liked, and because it has a)no nutritional value or b) very high calorie/fat content we avoid it like the plague. Well I have a few foods like that but one of them is cheese cake. Never was a fan, but since having an ED it was the one thing I swore i would never eat again. I think the reasons are pretty obvious.
Another thing worth knowing is that I am still very controlling of my meals and times. If at all possible I like preparing my own food, and I like eating around certain times. I'm not SO rigid with the times, but I do like some form of structure to my eating schedule. And as far as preparing my own food, I don't TRUST other people to cook it in a healthy way. I know this is something I need to work on, and it is on my agenda, but since we can't tackle everything at once this is an issue that's been sort of on the "sidelines" of my recovery efforts.

Well today promised to be a normal weekend day. I woke up later then usual, made myself some oatmeal pancakes (haven't eaten pancakes in almost a year by the way, so this is quite the accomplishment :D)and relaxed for a bit. Decided that today was a good day to do some grocery shopping, so off I went. While out I get a phone call "We're planning a party for your brothers birthday, can you pick up some snacks." Automatically ED part of my brain kicks in "Uh oh, food! You will probably have to eat something you're not comfortable with, or you will be put in a awkward situation. Don't go, just say something came up and you can't come." But I refused to listen because I am sick and tired of hiding from food and social situations involving food. What kind of a wimp does that make me anyway? So I decided to go. Once I got to the house there was plenty of work to be done- games to be planned, decorations to be made, and a cake to be baked. Turns out the birthday cake was my dreaded cheesecake. At that point I really wanted to back out. Usually my family is pretty understanding about my food issues, but not always. I didn't want to ruin the party and create a scene, so I thought about making some excuse and leaving. After all, this sounded like more then I could handle. Chocolate covered cheesecake made by someone else at a time I wasn't used to eating. All my worst fears rolled into one. But I didn't back out. I decided that I was going to stay and eat the cheese cake, just to defy my ED and proe I could do it. I was worried all afternoon about it. Would I have a panic attack? Would I be flooded with such intense guilt that I couldn't stand it? What would happen?

Well the time came; we sang and cut the cake. Someone passed me a plate, I picked up a spoon and ate it. No panic, no guilt. The voices in my head were silent and I was SO HAPPY. To me this was another sign of improvement, because I could honestly say this would not have been possible just a few weeks ago. I was able to enjoy the party without feeling like an "outsider" because I had to avoid all the food. It was great.

Unfortunately right afterwards I became very nauseous. It could be because the cake was very "rich" and my body just wasn't able to handle all of the stuff in it. I managed a very bland, light dinner and felt better after a few hours. Although I'm still not a cheesecake fan and probably won't eat it much in the future, it was important that I could prove to myself that I could do it and it was nothing to be terrified of.

But then I sat down to think about my intake that day and realized that in all the hustle and bustle of the days preparations I had missed most of my snacks. I won't lie, it was partially because I was apprehensive of the whole "cake situation" so my appetite went down to zero. So I considered drinking my evening supplement, because I know my calorie intake was not enough. ED screamed in my ear "But you ate a chocolate topped cheese cake! You have no idea how many calories were in the piece you had. You don't need any more food." I struggled for a while, because deep inside there was that fear. You know, that illogical fear that you will gain 100 kgs overnight because you eat something slightly higher calorie then you're used to. But then I realized, no friggen' way was I going to let my ED steal this victory from me! If I were to skip my supplement I would be technically "restricting" to allow myself to eat a treat. And that is disordered. I would not allow my victory to be stolen. I wanted to defy my ED, and not reach a compromise with it. I know from experience you can't have a symbiotic relationship with a mental disorder. Eventually it will destroy you. So I got up, drank my supplement, and got back to my evenings activities. I KNOW I did the right thing.

I think it's just important for us to be careful that in our steps to recovery we don't take one step forward and two steps back. Don't eat a fear food and feel all proud of yourself, while going to the gym and working out harder then ever.Don't allow yourself a "rest day" and skip your meals or snacks. Don't let your ED steal your victories from you. This illness is very subtle and you can feel all proud of yourself for reaching a goal or mastering a challenge, while at the same time sabotaging your progress. This incident today made me more aware of how easy it was for something like this to happen to me, and how I need to learn to guard my victories more fiercely then ever. I don't want to live "in peace" with my ED, I want it OUT once and for all.

Doctors and psychologists

Thank you all for your comments and support. To be able to have a place where I can share my thoughts and get feedback is really something I value right now.

As I'm sure you've deduced by the title of the post I want to talk about my experience with doctors and psychologist.
To be fair I'll start off by saying that I am very skeptical when it comes to medical professionals in any field. This is for several reasons. Some of them try to play "God" and they assume they know what's wrong with you before doing a thorough examination - which leads to mistakes. Others are into the "quick fix" solution - they prescribe you antibiotics or medication that takes away the symptoms without working on the cause. Because they ARE human and as such make mistakes. And because they are influenced by the money involved in their job. The last reason is probably pretty unclear, so I'll clarify. What I mean is that they need to do their part to support themselves and the way they do that is by having people come back to them. This sounds horrible, and I don't want to generalize and say that all doctors do this, but some do. In a way it's understandable - if they were to provide the perfect cure to most illnesses first time around they would be out of a job. In any case that's my stance on doctors.

I've had a number of questionable experiences with doctors in the past. When I was put into a hospital at the beginning of this year I was lucky enough to get possibly the best psychiatrist on the staff. He was good, but the faculty he worked at wasn't. Oh I have traumatic tales to tell about that faculty - the low quality of services they offered, the ignorance of ED's and treatment methods, the negative ways I was affected by the "treatment" and atmosphere - but I'll save that for another post.
Now I'm seeing a doctor that I'm not sure is qualified to handle my situation. From what I'm gathering she has never treated a patient with an ED before. Our relationship is also unique because she is my aunts best friend. So she has a less professional approach to my situation then she should in a lot of cases. I haven't spoken to her personally in months, because she asks my aunt about me and relies on her information. To complicate the situation let's just say my aunt and I don't have a close relationship. This doctor referred me to a psychiatrist, who turned out to be the worst psychiatrist I've met. I had a 20 minute time slot because there were a line of people outside waiting to see him. He asked questions but didn't listen to the answers, he cut me off when I tried to talk told me that his job was just to give me a prescription for medication, the rest I should cover with my psychologist. Let's just say I never saw him again.
Now my doctor is recommending IP. The funny thing isn't she doesn't know I've gained weight, she hasn't spoken to my psychologist (they work at the same faculty) and she hasn't spoken to me. But she has spoken to my aunt and told her to try to convince me because it would be "good for me". Right now I feel like I can't trust my doctor and her advice, because of all of the mentioned above factors. Unfortunately my family puts their unwavering trust in her, and are all pushing me to act on her advice. I am trying to schedule and appointment just to TALK to her and get some things straightened out between us. But I'm still unsure if she is the person I should be relying on to help me right now. It's so complicated :(

On the other hand my psychologist is the first one I've met that I feel truly comfortable with. She doesn't focus so much on the "anorexic" label and she does on the factors that will help me overcome this ED. This is important for me, as when I am constantly labeled as "anorexic" I feel more compelled to engage in behavior that such a title constitutes. On the other hand when I focus on all the other areas of my life I do much better. She understands that. Besides for the first time in my life I feel like I can trust her as a medical professional, I feel like she cares about ME as an individual. And she is my main support right now. If I were to put into IP (which she believes is unnecessary and even detrimental) I would lose one of the most helpful people I know.

I think it's important to have a good support system when overcoming an ED - one you can feel comfortable with and trust. Maybe I'm too cynical and distrustful of medical professionals. On the one hand I feel like it's good for me. While I was in the hospital I was forced to totally rely on the medical professionals there. I wasn't forced to fight on my own at all. So I never recovered in mind at all. Now each step I take, I choose my battles and celebrate my victories. I know as a fact I am stronger now then I was then.

Do you think it's really wrong that I rely more on myself then the medical system? What are your experiences with doctors and psychologists?

Progress and goals.

I was just thinking today about how much progress I've made in the last few weeks. I'm not sure what spurred it on, and how long this motivation will keep on going for, but I'm just amazed at all I was able to accomplish in a relatively short time. Of course I still have my bad days, but it seems that I manage to keep my ED at bay even at time when things are rough for me emotionally. Not that I want to sound like I'm tooting my own horn or anything, it's just really encouraging for me to see that things are slowly getting better.

So here's what I've managed to accomplish in a relatively short amount of time:

- up my calorie intake to the point where I'm actually gaining weight
- introduce more balance into my diet (i noticed that before fruits and veggie were definitely a predominant group)
- conquer several fear foods- almonds, cheese, pizza, pasta, protein shakes (I'm still not 100% comfortable with some of these foods, but I can eat them without having major panic attacks and the like)
- introducing more variety into my diet
- being more in tune with my emotions

The calorie upping was a big one for me, as before i was so rigedly stuck on a certain number that I wouldn't even THINK about crossing it, even by just 10 calories. Now I just keep general estimates and not a detailed count. If I go over or under it's not the end of the world for me.

Here's my dilemma. In my quest to eat a balanced diet and include all the food groups in proper amounts I find myself almost too food conscious some days. I worry about weather I'm meeting this or that limit. I do eat MUCH more balanced then I did, and that's a definite plus. But in order to keep my energy intake at a number I can gain weight from I count calories. As I said, it's usually a very general estimate and I don't stress much about it. But is that counter-productive? I'm hoping once I get into the "gaining groove" I won't have to worry about it as much and will more or less be able to eat without needing to count the calories. I have mixed feelings on this. Any advice?

I also want to celebrate a little victory I had today. I was wondering what to have for lunch and I decided I wanted a mushroom omelet. Then I thought about how delightful it would be with a bit of cheese. So I put that thought into action (cheese used to be a very firm part of my "I will never eat this again" list). Out of habit I cracked in 1 egg and 1 egg white. Then I looked at the leftover egg yoke and thought to myself "Why am I trashing this? Isn't it wasteful?" The answer came in a flash "Wasted calories. Unneeded fat." I immediately knew where those answers came from. It was that dark little corner in my mind that still feverishly clings to some old habits and mentalities. And it was time to challenge those thoughts. So before I could change my mind I quickly whipped in that extra egg yoke and enjoyed a delicious and very filling omelet. I waited for the wave of guilt, but nothing came. All I could think of was the fact that this was the best omelet I've had in a long time. It was a good reminder to me that I don't need to fear breaking these habits or mindsets, it's good for me to set challenges for myself so I can keep moving forward -even little day to day challenges like this.

I do have some goals in regards to my eating that I want to reach. And since I seem to be extra motivated of late now is as good a time as any to start heading in the right direction.

- Have heartier breakfasts. I am ALWAYS hungry in the morning, even after breakfast and snack, and usually end up famished by lunch. Time to practice some intuitive eating and satisfy my hunger.
- Take time to enjoy my food. Recently I am in such a hustle that I hardly take the time to enjoy what I eat. It's more of a chore, something that I HAVE to do. I think that although food is an essential part of life it can and should also be enjoyable. I just need to learn to stop and enjoy it.
- Add more healthy fats into my diet.
- Not restrict after a weigh in (this happened last week). I didn't really restrict per se, I just didn't add my supplements, but I guess that's basically the same thing.

Well that's all for now. Tomorrow I'm seeing my psychologist and getting weighed. Fingers crossed that all goes well.

Take care all!

Things that make me happy.

Let's start the post off with some positiveness- shall we?

I've had a few rough days this past week, but I've found that the best way to deal with negative emotions and feelings is to take a moment to stop and appreciate all that I do have. As one of my friends says to me all the time: "There is beauty in everything, you just need to stop long enough to find it." Sometimes we get so caught up in our lives, be it problems at home, stresses at work or school, anxiety provoking incidents, that we forget all the beautiful things that surround us. So here is a short list of the simple things in my life that make me happy:

Coffee. It's one of life's simple joys. Drinking coffee in the morning is a ritual that I absolutely love. It's not just about the taste or the caffine. It's about having that moment to sit down and let everything else pass you by while you enjoy the moment.





Books. I love books. I regard reading as almost a sacred ritual. I love hiding myself in a quiet corner and losing myself in a different world for hours. It's such a simple activity, yet it relaxes me better then a full day at the spa (I'm assuming, since I've never actually spent a full day at a spa)






Sleep. I'm not much of a sleeper, so I usually end up staying up late in the evening and waking up early in the morning. So I really savor the times I can take a nice nap during the day, or sleep that extra hour in the morning. I love my warm bed, my million pillows (I sleep with a lot of pillows :p)and just drifting away....






Oatmeal. Another ritual thing, but I love eating warm oatmeal in the morning while sipping my coffee. It's filling, easy for me to digest - not to mention yummy and nutritious. Makes my mornings all that much more enjoyable.






Walking. I never thought I'd say this, as usually I'm one for more vigorous types of exercise. But walking in the sunshine on a autumn day, watching the leaves fall down, clearing my mind; without having anywhere in particular to go or any set agenda; is really a highlight of my day





This list could go on and on, but I think it would get boring for all of you to read.
Actually I started writing this post with only these few things in mind, but as I started writing I thought of more and more. There are things that are difficult and unpleasant. That's just life, people all over the world have problems. But I have a choice. At the start of every day I can choose to focus on the problems and difficulties, or I can enjoy the moment and all the little things that make me happy. Today I choose to do the latter, and I hope I will make that choice more often from now on.

If a fellow isn't thankful for what he's got, he isn't likely to be thankful for what he's going to get. ~Frank A. Clark


Do you have any formulas for brightening up a difficult day? What are some of lives simple joys that make your life all that much happier?